Weekend Starters: Communication mistakes you’re making in your relationship, by Tiwa Says
by Tiwa Says · The Eagle OnlineWhen it comes to communication in a relationship, everyone is quick to say yes, my partner and I are open with each other. The reality, however, is a different matter.
Your relationship may be dying not because you stopped loving each other, but maybe because you’re slowly talking yourselves out of love.
Every relationship has disagreements. But sometimes, it isn’t the disagreement that causes the damage. It’s the words thrown around during it, the conversations avoided, the assumptions made, and the things left unsaid.
You can sleep in the same bed, share the same home and still become strangers because you stopped communicating in a way that makes each other feel safe, heard and valued.
Here are 10 communication mistakes that could quietly be damaging your relationship.
1. You expect your partner to read your mind
You’re angry because they didn’t do something you expected—but you never told them you wanted.
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Then comes the classic:
“If you really loved me, you would know.”
No. They may love you and still not know what you need.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Stop turning your needs into secret tests.
2. You listen to win, not to understand
Your partner says, “You hurt me.”
And instead of hearing the hurt, you immediately respond.“But you hurt me first!”
Congratulations. You may have won the argument—and lost the opportunity for connection.
Not every conversation needs a winner.
Sometimes, being heard is more important than being right.
3. You weaponise silence
“I need some time to calm down” is healthy.
Ignoring someone for hours or days to make them anxious, punish them or force them to apologise is something else entirely.
Silence can be a boundary.
It can also be a weapon.
Know which one you’re using
4. You keep receipts
Your partner raises one issue, and suddenly you’re pulling out evidence from 2019.
“And remember what you did at my sister’s wedding?”
“And what about that time…?”
If every disagreement becomes an excavation of past mistakes, your relationship has stopped being about resolution and started becoming a competition over who has caused more pain.
Deal with the issue. Then decide whether the old wounds need their own conversation.
5. You criticise their character instead of addressing their behaviour
There’s a massive difference between “You’re selfish.”
And “I felt disregarded when you made that decision without consulting me.”
One attacks who they are.
The other explains what happened and how it affected you.
If you want change, address behaviour—not someone’s entire identity.
6. You only communicate when something is wrong
When was the last time you had a conversation that wasn’t about bills, chores, children, family problems or something your partner did wrong?
Relationships don’t survive on problem-solving alone
Talk about ridiculous things.
Flirt.
Dream together.
Ask questions you’ve never asked before.
Don’t let your relationship become a management meeting.
7. You assume—and then react to your assumption
They didn’t call.
“They must be ignoring me.”
They came home late.
They seem distant.
“They must be cheating.”
And before you have asked a single question, you’ve already delivered the verdict.
Assumptions create stories. Stories create emotions. Emotions create reactions.
Sometimes, all of it started with something you never actually confirmed.
8. You throw “always” and “never” into every argument
“You ALWAYS do this.”
“You NEVER listen.”
“You ALWAYS make everything about you.”
These words rarely solve anything.
They make people defensive because now the conversation isn’t about what happened today. It’s about whether your accusation is true.
Replace absolutes with specifics.
Talk about the behaviour, the situation and the impact.
9. You avoid conversations because you’re afraid of what they might reveal. This one is dangerous.
You don’t discuss sex because you’re afraid of rejection.
You don’t discuss money because you fear conflict.
You don’t talk about commitment because you’re scared your partner doesn’t want the same future.
You don’t discuss boundaries because you don’t want to appear difficult.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Avoiding a conversation doesn’t eliminate the problem. It simply gives the problem more time to grow.
10. You communicate anger but hide the real emotion
Anger is often the loudest emotion in the room—but it isn’t always the deepest one.
“I am angry” might actually mean:
“I felt rejected.”
“I felt invisible.”
“I was scared.”
“I don’t feel important to you anymore.”
“I need reassurance.”
Imagine what could happen if, instead of throwing anger at your partner, you told them what was underneath it.
That is vulnerability.
And vulnerability can create intimacy where defensiveness creates distance.
THE HARD TRUTH
Your partner may not be the only person responsible for the communication problems in your relationship.
Sometimes, you are part of the pattern you’re complaining about.
Maybe you interrupt.
Maybe you shut down.
Maybe you assume.
Maybe you attack when you’re hurt.
Maybe you demand honesty but punish your partner when they give you an answer you don’t like.
Maybe you’ve become so focused on being understood that you’ve forgotten to understand.
Communication isn’t simply talking.
It’s listening without preparing a counterattack.
It is expressing needs without issuing emotional tests.
It’s confronting problems without destroying the person you’re trying to solve them with.
And it’s having uncomfortable conversations before resentment becomes louder than love.
So before you ask:
“Why doesn’t my partner understand me?”
Ask yourself the harder question:
“Am I communicating—or am I simply reacting?”
Because sometimes, the relationship doesn’t need more love.
It needs two people who are finally willing to have the conversations they’ve been avoiding.
THE WAY FORWARD
Knowing your communication mistakes is only the beginning. The real work starts when you decide to change the way you relate to each other.
Start with honesty. Admit when you’ve contributed to the problem. You cannot repair a pattern you refuse to acknowledge.
Learn to listen differently. Don’t listen merely to defend yourself or prepare your response. Listen for what your partner is actually trying to tell you.
Say what you need. Stop expecting your partner to decode your silence, mood or behaviour. Clear communication may feel uncomfortable, but mind games are far more damaging.
Fight the problem, not each other. You can disagree without insulting, humiliating or threatening the relationship. Your partner is not the enemy simply because you have a different perspective.
Have the difficult conversations. Talk about sex, money, trust, boundaries, family, expectations, resentment and the future. If you can’t talk about the uncomfortable things, you’re only communicating about the easy parts of your relationship.
Repair after conflict. An apology is not weakness. Neither is saying, “I got that wrong,” “I understand why that hurt you,” or “Let’s try this conversation again.”
And perhaps most importantly, make communication a daily practice—not an emergency response.
Don’t wait until the relationship is falling apart before you start talking.
Ask each other:
“Are you happy with us?”
“Is there anything you’ve been afraid to tell me?”
“What do you need more of from me?”
“What am I doing that is creating distance between us?”
Sometimes, the way forward isn’t another grand gesture, another promise or another attempt to start over.
Sometimes, it’s simply two people deciding to stop talking at each other and finally start talking to each other.
I would love to get feedback, questions, and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.
Subscribe to my YouTube channel: @Eve’s Desire Show, on YouTube at: @theeagleonlinenigeria.
Send me a message on Telegram at: @tiwa_says; WhatsApp: 09161129108; and Email: tiwalolaoke@yahoo.com.
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