Duvet Talk: Things we want in bed but are too afraid to ask for, by E.V. Lynn

by · The Eagle Online

You know what you like. You know what you wish your partner would do differently.

You may even have imagined how you’d tell them. But when the moment comes, you keep quiet.

Is it fear of embarrassment, rejection or being misunderstood?

This is the thought that came to my mind when I wrapped myself in my duvet last night.

It got me thinking about human intimacy, how we can be comfortable enough to share a bed with someone, be naked in their presence, mix body fluids, yet struggle to compose a sentence when it comes to describing exactly how we want to be pleasured.

How do we spend months, even years, having sex with someone without ever telling them that there’s something they’re not doing quite right.

We moan loudly, call out their names, curl our fingers in their hair. With all this, it’s easy for them to assume they are doing a good job.

And perhaps, that’s where the problem begins. We expect our partners to understand our bodies through observation alone.

We want them to know when to slow down, pick up pace, maintain tempo. We want them to be attentive lovers in bed, but wouldn’t everything be better if we just told them?

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So, why is talking about sex sometimes more difficult than having it?

For some people, it’s fear of being judged. Sexual preferences are personal, and expressing them can feel like revealing a part of ourselves we aren’t sure will be accepted.

An example is a man asking his woman to finger his butthole while giving him a blow job.

What if she thinks it’s weird and wants to stop all together? What if it changes the way she sees him?

For others, it’s the issue of upbringing. Many of us grew up in environments where sex was either discussed in whispers or not at all.

We were taught what was acceptable, what was shameful and what respectable people shouldn’t say.

Imagine asking your partner to suck your vagina and he asks you, “How can I use the mouth I use to praise God to do that?”

Unfortunately, these lessons don’t always disappear when we become adults or enter committed relationships. So we carry that silence into the bedroom.

Then there’s the issue of interpreting feedback. Telling a partner that you don’t enjoy something can feel like telling them they’re not good enough.

Nobody wants to bruise the ego of someone they care about, especially in a moment that is supposed to be pleasurable.

But here’s something worth considering: If your partner doesn’t know what you enjoy, how are they supposed to know how to pleasure you better?

Sexual communication shouldn’t be a performance review. It shouldn’t be a conversation where one person feels graded and the other person feels responsible for issuing corrections.

Consider it an opportunity to understand each other better.

Sometimes, it can be something as simple as, “please can you go a little slower when you kiss me?” or even “right there! Just like that.” in the middle of the action.

Of course, knowing how to communicate is only half the equation.

The other half is having a partner who is willing to listen without becoming defensive, dismissive or judgmental.

It is difficult to be vulnerable with someone who makes you regret opening your mouth.

And let’s not confuse silence with satisfaction. That someone isn’t complaining doesn’t automatically mean they’re enjoying everything.

It’s okay to encourage our partners to speak up by asking questions. “Did you like it when I did this?” “What part of the sex did you enjoy most?”

It is also important to note the difference between expressing a preference and being pressured into participating in something you’re uncomfortable with.

Being open about your desires doesn’t mean you have to agree to every suggestion.

Communication should make room for curiosity, boundaries and consent, not forced compliance.

Partners should be able to say what they want, as well as what they don’t want.

Perhaps, we’ve made sexual communication unnecessarily complicated by treating desire as something that should be observed rather than openly discussed.

And maybe the most intimate thing you can do with someone isn’t just allowing them access to your body, but trusting them well enough to tell them exactly how you want them to pleasure you.

As I finally cozied up in my duvet, I came to a conclusion.

I’ll tell my partner that I really love it when he thrusts his fingers in me while sucking with his mouth.

Hopefully, he understands and I’ll be in for a ride!

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What have you ever wanted to tell your partner, and what made you hold back?

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