Ask Jennifer: My husband was a violent drunk who subjected me to years of emotional and physical abuse

My marriage was a disaster. My husband was a violent drunk who subjected me to years of emotional and physical abuse.

Luckily, I had good friends to fall back on when things got rough. It was a colleague who gave me the most support, including helping me escape my husband when I finally decided to leave him. He even let me stay at his place for a couple of nights, giving me enough time to arrange a refuge.

It’s been three months now and I am starting to get my life back to some sense of normal. I am getting a divorce and have moved into a flat of my own.

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My friend has helped me settle into it and even helped me decorate. I am, of course, grateful for his continued support and friendship but, more than that, I think I have fallen in love with him. Should I tell him how I feel?

He’s never done anything or said something to indicate that he’s interested in me, but we do spend a lot of time together. I really don’t want to wreck our friendship. However, nor do I want to miss out on what could be a wonderful new relationship with a man who is everything my husband wasn’t — kind, empathic and fun to be around.

I desperately want to tell him that I love him, but I’m not sure how he will react? Is it possible that he loves me too?

JENNIFER SAYS: He might, or he could just be a genuinely good person helping a friend in need. You’re right to be cautious, though. You’ve only recently escaped a traumatic and difficult relationship, so you’re vulnerable right now.

It’s natural, given this, that you would develop strong feelings for someone who has supported you during that time.

While you’ve convinced yourself you love this man, it might be wise to give yourself a bit more time to recover emotionally. It’s possible your feelings stem more from gratitude or dependency at this point in time, and time to reflect on things could help you to understand your feelings more clearly. A Relate counsellor could guide you through this.

How long this process takes is up to you but, in the meantime, I see no harm in telling him how much you appreciate all he has done for you. If after reflection you decide that your feelings for him are genuine and that the time is right, then go ahead and explore the possibility of a romantic relationship.

Try to do this gradually though. Rather than declaring love outright, perhaps start by saying that you’ve grown very fond of him and that you’d like to explore the possibility of taking things further.

Mention that you don’t want to put any pressure on him nor damage your friendship, then give him time to think about what you’ve said.

Finally, be prepared for the possibility that he does not want a more serious relationship. Hopefully your friendship will not be affected by this, but be aware that this is always a risk.