This AITA About A Guy Returning His Wife's Birthday Gift Makes Me Angry For The Reason You Wouldn't Expect
by Fabiana Buontempo · BuzzFeedFor some people, coming up with a gift idea can be daunting for various reasons. Maybe you don't have the budget to buy what you really want to give that person, or maybe they're difficult to buy a gift for because they're very picky... the list goes on.
In the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit, this OP shared a story of how their wife never gets them the gift they ask for and is now wondering if they're the asshole for recently returning one of her gifts to get what they actually wanted. Here's the story:
"I need an outside opinion on this. This has been an ongoing issue that I have talked to her multiple times about.
My wife makes less money than me and is the type of person who prefers to make her own gifts for people. The issue is she will do this even if the person doesn't want this. I will use myself as an example. For the past few years, she has made every single gift I have been given.
No matter what I ask for, I get a homemade gift, whether it is cheap or not. Last Christmas, I asked for a few new things, and I got a homemade scarf. I always get her the stuff she wants. I have talked to her about this multiple times."
—u/Quick_Dig3584
The OP continued by writing, "My birthday was yesterday, and I asked her to give me a book. It was only 25 dollars, and I sent her the link. I opened the gift, and she made some homemade bookmarks. It wasn't even the type of bookmark I liked. They were made from fabric, and I like the wooden ones. I must have made a face because she asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want these. I clarified what I wanted and have talked to her so many times. I handed them back and went out to buy the book. We had a big fight when I got back. She claims I am being ungrateful and a jerk."
*Later in the thread, replying to a commenter, the OP revealed that he makes about $30k more than her. They have shared accounts, and the OP pays for most things.
So is this OP the asshole? Here's what some people on Reddit had to say.
"NTA. Ugh, my ex used to do this. It’s not about the gift. It’s about her intentionally and without remorse overriding your requests. Her behavior is dismissive, and that shit will breed resentment, and resentment kills relationships.
Gift giving should be about the recipient. A gift is a tangible representation of our care and appreciation of a person, and it should cater to the recipient’s preferences.
Hopefully, her disregard for your preferences isn’t malicious, but either way, she’s basically saying, “I know better than you,” which really sucks, especially from a loved one.
Sit her down and explain that you are an autonomous being with preferences, and her behavior is hurtful and dismissive of you. And don’t let her weasel out of it with “ooohh I spent so much time on it blah blah blah”. She’s showing you that she doesn’t see you, and you’re not an NPC in her story. You deserve consideration, and this behavior does the opposite."
This commenter brought up a very valid point.
"NTA. This is like when a boyfriend/husband buys a woman lingerie for her birthday. It’s not really a gift for the recipient. It’s a gift for the giver. SHE thinks gifts should be homemade, so that’s what SHE wants to give her husband even though he has given her very low-cost options for things he would like to receive.
I’m not on the double-standard bandwagon here, but I believe this is one of those times when, if the roles were reversed, it would be a very obvious NTA verdict, and the husband would be crucified in the comments."
—u/Fit_Government5736
This person even suggested a few creative ideas the wife could've considered to make the book gift more sentimental.
"I admit, I thought I’d be coming down on the 'yes, the asshole' side of the equation. But nope, NTA.
A $25 book is not an extravagant expense. She could’ve even paired some handmade bookmarks or book corners if she still wanted to have a handmade touch.
Or even something fun like buying two copies of the book so you can read it together as your family book club. I would love to do something like that, my husband.
If you guys have children, she could’ve included a cute coupon for an hour of her watching the kids, which would have given you a chance to jumpstart your brand-new book.
She could’ve tapped into this really simple request to make it special and meaningful in many ways, and she just … didn’t."
—u/PracticalPrimrose
Lastly, this commenter really validated the OP's thoughts and feelings.
"NTA. Sure, a heartfelt, handmade gift is a beautiful gesture... IF it's something the giftee wants. Consistently disregarding your partner's requests or preferences so you can gift them what YOU want instead of what THEY would like is obnoxious, self-centered, and quick to make your partner feel not seen. I went through this with an ex — receiving bizarre gifts in sizes and styles I would never wear, or for hobbies, I've never expressed an interest in — and had to explain to him that they make me feel like he doesn't even know me."
—u/Federal__Dust