This Child-Free Woman's Friends Are Claiming She "Ruined" Their Vacation By Not Babysitting Their Kids
by Carley Suthers · BuzzFeedEven in the 21st century, choosing to remain child-free — especially as a married couple — is still perceived as "taboo." Many factors could be behind a couple's decision not to have children, from financial reasons to health concerns. However, this can be a difficult choice for others, especially those who are already parents, to understand. As a friend group ages, a child-free member's life may have room for more spontaneous moments, whereas those with children usually follow a structured routine. This lifestyle difference can lead to rifts forming in long-term friendships...
This was the case for redditor, wisespender — a child-free woman — who recently opened up about an argument that arose when she didn't want to babysit her best friends' kids while on a group vacation. However, things really took a dramatic turn when everyone got home. Here's the whole story:
"I (F38) just got back from a vacation with two of my longtime friends, 'Kate' (F40) and 'Mary' (F38). I've known them both since university; we've always been close. The three of us had been planning this Bali trip for a few months, along with our husbands and their kids — they both have children under 5 — while my husband 'Jake' (M45) and I are child-free. We agreed to split the cost of a four-bedroom villa three ways, and everything seemed fine at first."
"Jake and I arrived in Bali earlier than the rest of the group because we had different flights. Once we got to the villa, we waited to choose rooms with our friends and didn’t mind when they both chose the ones with ensuites. We had a great time during the trip —Jake and I did some couples activities (massages, hiking, dinners), but we also spent time with Kate and Mary and their families whenever it worked for everyone. To be nice, I even surprised them with massages to give them a break."
"The only thing that made me uncomfortable was that whenever I ordered a drink (a cocktail before dinner or a glass of wine with meals), I'd get comments like, 'Oh, you're drinking again?' For context, I’m a social drinker and don't drink often, but we were on vacation, and I didn’t think it was a big deal, especially since our husbands were drinking, too. I just ignored the comments so I could enjoy the trip."
"On the last night, Jake and I made plans with the guys to go out, and Kate and Mary said they were staying in to pack. Jake convinced me to join him, and since it was the last night of our vacation, I didn’t want to stay in either. We went out and had a great time. We got home at 1 a.m., and I passed out straight after. The next morning was a bit chaotic, with everyone packing and checking out, but we all made it back home without issue. We had booked business class seats back, so we were separated during the flight, so we said quick goodbyes at the airport."
"A week after returning home, I got a long text from Kate saying that both she and Mary wanted to reduce contact with me because I had 'ruined their vacation.' They mentioned several things, like me drinking every night, that I wasn’t acting like a 'girls’ girl,' that I booked different flights, that I didn't hang out with them enough, and that I was selfish for not helping out with their kids. She even said I was just focused on partying and not acting my age. This message really hurt me."
"I cried after reading it and honestly don’t know what to think. I thought I was just enjoying my vacation, but they clearly had a different view. I haven’t responded yet, and my husband has been asking what’s bothering me, but I don’t know what to say.
Am I the asshole for how I acted during the trip?"
Commenters unanimously agreed that OP (original poster) was, indeed, not the asshole for simply enjoying her vacation like her friend's husbands were allowed to do:
User charmedphoenix39 said, "Not the asshole. Do not apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong! And you even said you did help them out here and there with the kids, still did activities with them, and also got them a massage!
They essentially wanted you to take on their responsibilities and be the same as them: no drinking, no going out at night, watching the kids with them.
Also, if they had a REAL issue, they could’ve sat you down and talked to you at any time on the trip or at home since they are your longtime friends. But they didn’t; only one of them told you over text. You deserve more from friends (especially life-long ones), and they aren’t it."
"Not the asshole," TraditionalToe4663 agreed, "If I had been on vacation in Bali with friends, I would have left the kids home. I can’t imagine ever expecting someone else to share the childcare load. They are angry at themselves for their own life choices."
"Not the asshole. There are a lot of assumptions from your friends here. Why would you be expected to help them with their kids? They're not your responsibility.
Their husbands left them to look after the children. If they are allowed to drink and spend no time with their wives or kids, why would they expect their friend to step up? Because you're a woman? F*ck that. Was there any discussion about expectations before going on holiday?
You've done nothing wrong and certainly didn't ruin their holiday. It's not on you that they had unreasonable expectations," said 4_feck_sake.
Commenters also pointed out that OP's friends' jealousy might stem from a place of resentment towards her and her husband's childfree life:
User Top_Most_3528 said, "Not the asshole. They're just jealous and expect you to lighten their childcare load. Just because they have kids doesn't mean if you go on holiday with them, you must stay and look after the children just because you're a woman.
They need to tell this bull to their husbands as well because there sure is a double standard there.
Partying? They must be joking. You go on holiday to enjoy things. Food, beverage, and experiences.
Honestly, they're jealous because they feel that they can't have a drink before dinner because of kids and responsibilities, and because of this, they resent you for doing it. They expect you to be 'grown-up' like them, even though that's a completely unrealistic expectation.
They probably can't even admit it to themselves.
They need a reality check, but they probably won't listen to it from you.
I'd say my piece as to why I disagree with what they've said and then just back right off the friendship. If they're good friends, they will try to make amends. If not, you're probably no longer compatible, which sucks, but you might be better off."
Many users were offering OP advice and suggestions on the best way to deal with her "friends":
"Not the asshole. I’d text your 'friends' back and say, 'I think I want to end the friendship. The only reason you are mad is because you expected me, who is childfree, to watch YOUR kids for you. Why aren’t you mad at your husbands for lessening your load? Why would you expect me to? Is it because I’m a woman? Something to keep in mind for the future so you don’t lose any more friends over your entitled behavior: it was your choice to have children. They are your responsibility, not your friend's. Trying to pawn off your kids on your child-free friends is BS,'" suggested Bonnm42.
DeedlesV advised, "You have nothing to apologize for. I would send a note explaining that you didn’t know they wanted you to babysit. This was a three-family trip. Mention that the husbands were drinking every night. Did they ruin the trip as well? Do all three of you live in the same city?"
"They sound like they highly expected you to help care for their kids. Since you had a drink that took your babysitting role off the table — they sound immature! Please share the note with your husband so he can help you write a reply and end your friendship with these jealous girls."
Other child-free individuals weighed in on the ways not having children has affected their friendships with those who chose to become parents:
AdPrevious 4665 revealed, "I am 38F and also childless — and I totally agree with this.
My friends all have kids, and there is a reason we don’t vacation together. My husband and I carry on exactly like OP — we do everything: try all the drinks, go on local food tours, and stay out too late mingling with other travelers. We fly business or first class and enjoy the champagne service and lounge access. This is normal behavior for DINKs (dual income, no kids) when we travel, and we don’t want to combine that with family responsibilities. On the flip side, I wouldn’t want to exhibit this type of behavior in front of kids because I’m not exactly the greatest role model.
Any friends who would put OP down for her behavior clearly don’t understand that there is a chosen lifestyle difference when you are child-free or childless by choice. You are choosing FREEDOM. Why on earth would anyone expect her to take care of their kids on vacation? Everyone was invested in the trip, including OP, and all were entitled to enjoy the vacation as they saw fit. If caring for someone else’s kid doesn’t fit that vision, that doesn’t make OP an asshole.
Time to ditch vacationing with those friends. I would welcome that reduced contact."
"Not the asshole," shared zanylanie, "It sounds like your friends had expectations for this trip that they didn’t bother to express to you. The fact that they assumed things would be one way and they turned out to be wrong is not your fault. I am also child-free, but it wasn’t by choice."
"Every friend I knew before they had kids eventually ghosted me once they became parents. I have friends who already had kids when we met. I’m in my 50s, so most of my friends’ kids are grown. Many of them are lonely and aimless now that they don’t have kids at home. I hope this situation turns out in whatever way is best for you. But please don’t let other people’s issues convince you to dim your light."
OP later provided an update and thanked fellow redditors in the comments:
"Here's what happened:
I spoke with Mary by text; she said she agreed on most parts, and they both have had a problem with me for ages because I invited them to or only organized adult-only events and nothing family-friendly, which isn't true. I was the one who organized her baby shower...
I added both of my ex-friends to a group chat to discuss my feelings. Throughout the interaction, no apology for their passive-aggressive comments or even acknowledgment that I tried to be accommodating — I gave them better rooms, organized massages, kept our shared space organized, made all the dinner reservations, helped prep snacks, and got gifts for them and the kids.
Mary just said that she's sorry it's come to this, and Kate ignored me. I was so disappointed in these women, who I thought were my friends, that I blocked them and unfollowed them on social media.
I will share this Reddit post with our mutual friends who want the tea.
I told Jake about it, and he just said good riddance. I'm visiting Japan next March and Fiji in December for a wedding. I'll be posting on social media with the caption 'finally a real vacation' (thank you to the person who suggested it)."