Men Are Revealing How Toxic Masculinity Has Affected Them, And It's Eye-Opening
by Marisa Martinez · BuzzFeedAddressing toxic masculinity involves recognizing and dismantling harmful stereotypes and expectations imposed on men.
By redefining masculinity, it encourages men to express themselves emotionally, be vulnerable, and promote respectful relationships.
In order to redefine societal expectations of masculinity, it's important to engage in open discussions about the harmful impacts of toxic masculinity.
So, I asked men of the BuzzFeed Community "who have felt the weight of toxic masculinity" to share their stories." Here's their feedback:
Note: Not all responses are from the BuzzFeed Community. Some are from this Reddit thread and this Reddit thread.
1. "Toxic masculinity has made it so much harder for my three sons to be who they truly are. Whether it's my trans son who struggled with his identity for years before coming out to us, even though we have always loved him for exactly who he is, or our youngest, who likes to wear nail polish and gets bullied and questioned about it by his peers. Or, our middle son who feels the pressure of fitting into an 'alpha' or 'sigma' mentality by many of the boys in his high school. It's pervasive and something that we consistently have to talk about and try to work against as parents."
—Anonymous, 41
2. "Youngest of six boys here — born and grew up in Africa. Hypermasculinity upbringing: hunting, fishing, wrestling, boxing, rugby, athletics, you name it. However, I'm gay, and it took me years and years to figure out how to stop feeling guilty about it. Nature or nurture — answered itself. Decades of family estrangement as I was an embarrassment. Now, I'm 100% happy with who I am. I'm glad to rid myself of that residual guilt stemming from that society."
—Anonymous, 56
3. "So, after an episode of Fact Fiend (watch it; it's really good), spent an end card talking about how women's shampoo and romcoms are cool, and becoming emotionally more open and honest thanks to finally getting a girlfriend and a crisis of identity, sexuality, gender, etc. I discovered that toxic masculinity held me back from good-smelling shampoo and being an emotionally intelligent person. I make no excuse for romcoms, but romance is cool."
4. "When my brother went camping, as he described it, they shared a bed, and he slept like Tutankhamun all because they couldn't even let an arm or a leg overlap between the three of them to make it comfier for all becausecause It's 'gross and gay.'"
5. "Not a man, but I thought I'd jump in with something I noticed in my ex: lacking healthy, emotionally intimate relationships. He had many friends but admitted that the only time he and his friends could ever really open up to one another and ditch the macho manliness was when they were drinking."
6. "Not seeking mental help when it might have been needed. Not flagging dangerous work practices because we're man enough to shift 50kg+ all day. Taking pride in 'negative' competition: who has worked the longest hours, who has had the least amount of sleep, who has done the most dangerous shit. Purposefully escalating issues into violent conflict because that's how men solve their differences. I can't say specifically for you, but these are some examples of how it has affected my life."
7. "Toxic masculinity has help me back from being emotionally close and vulnerable with friends, enjoying 'feminine' activities like baking or gardening, and having positive platonic relationships with women. Also, enjoying things that make me happy but aren't 'manly,' like pictures and gifs of adorable animals, not feeling like I have to physically or otherwise aggressively defend my pride or otherwise rise to every slight or insult thrown my way, and being able to enjoy being around my infant son despite his inability to chop wood or throw a pigskin."
8. "It holds you back from amazing, or at least better, sex. I think there are a few ways this can manifest, but what immediately came to mind is not taking sexual health seriously because one’s sense of masculine value is too tied up in the perfect functioning of genitalia. If shit isn’t working the way it should, something has changed; whatever, see a doctor! You have so much more value as a man (in and out of bed) than what your dick provides."
9. "You miss out on enjoying 'girly' pop music."
"You are on it with the introspection here, my dude. You can absolutely be grateful that 'girly' music gets normalized, but you don't need an excuse for liking it."
10. "A lot of men don't spend time with their female family members (nieces, sisters, daughters). I think men would understand grown-up women better if they see where we're coming from. We're not that different."
11. "It stops you from admitting mistakes and being humble. Pursuing interests that are gender specific. Anticipating the needs of others. Taking ownership of a caregiver role."
12. "I had a conversation with someone who talked about how gendered the gym was — men mostly on free weights, women mostly in the latest fad cardio classes. I do both. But quite frankly, whatever the latest cardio fad is, Zumba, spinning, tai-bo, Orange Theory, fill-in-the-blank dance, whatever — it's a hell of a workout and a ton of fun. Guys who dismiss it because they think it's too girly are missing out."
13. "It used to stop me from crying. I would be afraid of crying and feel ashamed if I did so. Took a while to get over that."
14. "I think the gendered aspect is that we're okay with women continuing to eat cereal and watch cartoons as adults, but if a man does it, he has to be ironic and defensive about it, and/or he gets made fun of. Women are never seen as fully adult, so they get infantilized a lot, but it does mean they get to continue to enjoy 'soft' things as adults."
15. "Many men are unable to really share feelings and be open with each other and other women without a sexual connotation. A woman being open with you? Boom, potential sexual interest. If she tells you that there will be no sex, boom, the friendship is over. I've lost some good friends over that, and that's very sad. Friendship and partnership is not a binary thing. Most women with women best friends know and live this every day."
16. "I'm a bit of a bigger guy, so I was often sort of just punched or kicked by women in my life. Not in any way that they do it to be meanspirited, but for fun, I suppose. And I'm okay with it sometimes as long as a warning is given beforehand, but they all seem surprised when you get upset after they just blasted you in the butt with the karate-kick-3000-no-more-sitting-comfortably-inator. Like, I'm just a human too, and that shit hurts! The point I'm trying to get across is that the 'guys should just take it' when it comes to punches and stuff is quite toxic; getting punched isn't nice on a physical or emotional level."
17. "Growing up, I was told to man up and stop acting like a girl. No joke, some women had said this to me growing up and said that I was too sensitive. I was also criticized for crying and getting frustrated whenever I was yelled at. If that doesn't scream toxic masculinity, I don't know what does."
18. "One time, a former coworker said my work was for girls. I was working out a plan for the storage room because it was completely unorganized. Otherwise, the typical 'man up' and 'boys don't cry' comments as a kid. I can't remember anything else, but there's probably way more."
What are your thoughts on these experiences? Let me know in the comments.
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length/clarity.