Sex And Relationship Expert Paul C. Brunson Gets Real About Modern Dating
by Hanifah Rahman · BuzzFeedWhen it comes to dating and relationships, Paul C. Brunson isn’t just a matchmaker, he’s a modern-day philosopher. You probably know him best from Married at First Sight, but Paul has spent over a decade helping people navigate the complex world of love.
In the latest episode of Out of Office with Kimberly Cumberbatch, Paul sat down with Kim for a candid conversation about love, dating, and his thoughts on modern relationships.
Read on to find out some of the highlights from their talk!
Reality TV and the search for love
We all know Paul as the reality TV love oracle – whether he’s offering guidance on Celebs Go Dating or sharing wisdom on Married at First Sight. Reality TV is often criticised for being overly dramatic, but Paul’s experience tells a more nuanced story. He revealed that the version of MAFS he worked on remains the most successful relationship series ever recorded, with three out of four couples still married and raising children five years later.
When asked how he handles contestants who are only in it for fame, Paul admitted that some are “fame-hungry” but also shared that many are genuinely looking for love. “What I’ve learned is that the people who care less about fame and more about their emotional connection with their partner tend to take the relationship to another level,” he said.
Paul’s philosophy for reality TV and real-life relationships is the same: authentic emotional connection and commitment are key. While we may be drawn to the drama, Paul always has his eyes on fostering true love, both on and off the screen.
The love-language debate
Love languages have become one of the most popular tools couples use to understand each other’s needs. However, Paul is not completely sold on the idea. “I don’t agree with the love language situation,” he said. “When you truly love someone, you want to explore all of the love languages." For Paul, real love means embracing every aspect of your partner’s needs, not just picking one love language and sticking to it.
Paul acknowledges the widespread use of love languages and admits that Gary Chapman’s book has helped many people, even in his own marriage. However, he also points out that there’s little scientific research backing the concept. “There’s no real quantitative data or full research on love languages,” Paul remarked, adding that we’ve accepted it without critically thinking about its substance.
The power of attachment styles
While Paul might not be fully on board with the love languages, he’s a strong advocate for understanding attachment styles. “I love that we’re talking about attachment styles,” he shared enthusiastically. Unlike love languages, attachment styles delve deeper into how people relate to one another based on their early life experiences.
Paul explained how many people, particularly those who grew up in immigrant households where parents worked multiple jobs, develop an anxious attachment style. Opening up about his own experience he shared, “Sometimes they were there, and I got all that love, sometimes they weren’t. And as a result, I became slightly anxious”. This anxious attachment can lead to behaviours that aren't always conducive to healthy relationships, such as constantly seeking reassurance.
However, Paul emphasises that having an anxious attachment style doesn’t make someone a bad person, just someone with “bad behaviour” that can be worked on. “Good person, bad behaviour,” he stated. It's all about growth and understanding how we show up in relationships. You can find out your own attachment style here.
Is spinning the block a bad idea?
Paul also delved into the much discussed concept of "spinning the block," or getting back with an ex. While this notion often gets a bad rap, Paul highlighted some research that suggests it can work – if both parties have committed to healing and growth. “If both partners have committed to healing and growth, their relationship can become stronger,” he explained. This growth allows them to understand why they behaved the way they did before and make changes for a healthier future together.
The importance of boundaries
For those who describe themselves as "chill" in relationships, Paul has some tough love. “Being chill and going with the flow often means you don’t know how to create boundaries,” he cautioned. According to Paul, boundaries are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and a high quality of life. “The people with the highest quality of life have the highest boundaries,” he pointed out, noting that a lack of boundaries can turn even well-intentioned people into bullies.
It takes self-love, self-esteem, and self-acceptance to set and hold onto these boundaries, but once you do, life and relationships improve dramatically. So, for all the chill daters out there, Paul’s message is clear: don't be afraid to set those boundaries.
Commitment and growth
Whether it’s through his TV shows or his personal coaching, Paul’s approach to relationships always comes back to commitment and growth. He believes that with the right mindset and a willingness to put in the work, even the most difficult situations—like dealing with attachment issues or rekindling with an ex—can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.
Paul C. Brunson’s insights on love and dating aren’t just theoretical; they’re rooted in years of experience and a deep understanding of human connection. In this generation where love languages, social media, and reality TV influence how we approach relationships, Paul’s voice serves as a grounding force reminding us what really matters: authentic love, growth, and commitment.