11 Things A Sexologist Says Women Secretly ’Long For’ From Men

Sexologists and therapists have been saying it for years: open communication is key to a great sex life.

But somehow, putting that advice into practice isn’t as easy as it sounds. 

Research has found that, on average, couples in long-term relationships only seem to know about 62% of what their partner likes in the bedroom – and a paltry 26% of what they don’t.

And studies show that for many couples, sex is one of the “least discussed and most difficult topics” to bring up. 

That’s a shame – not least because the best communicators also seem to have the most enjoyable time when they do get down and dirty.

So, we spoke to licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about what straight women tell her that she suspects they don’t share with their male partners.

11 things straight women wish straight men knew in the bedroom

1) Penetrative sex usually isn’t enough to orgasm 

In a study looking at which kinds of sex made women climax the most, penetrative sex alone performed worse (it did the job in 21-30% of instances) – even though men thought it made women finish about half the time.

“For most women, penetration alone isn’t enough,” said Roos, “and one of the main reasons for the orgasm gap is that way too many men aren’t aware of this.” 

Clitoral stimulation tends to perform better than vaginal sex alone – though researchers previously found that 91% of women said they usually or always orgasmed from a combination of manual genital stimulation, deep kissing, and/or oral sex.

“Invest way more time into fingering and oral sex, and learn how to use a sex toy on her, or at least encourage her to use one on herself during sex,” the sexologist advised. 

2) Foreplay starts way before you get into the bedroom 

The sexologist said women often tell her their sex drive doesn’t work like a “light switch”.She suggested that, for many, “it begins long before” with flirty messages, a sexy look, or a steamy comment during breakfast. And on the flip side, women who “feel bad, not wanted or not enough” may lose their desire entirely. She suggests men “understand that emotional and non-sexual intimacy is connected to lust”, which means investing in everyday care, from helping with the cooking or laundry to checking in on how their day has been.

3) Remember that orgasm isn’t the only goal of sex

A “common misunderstanding” among men is that women need to orgasm every time, suggested Roos, and this can lead to pressure and feelings of inadequacy – particularly if a man judges the “success” of sex by whether or not both parties finish.

In general, straight women have the fewest number of orgasms. But even lesbian women, who have the highest rate among women, “finish” less often than men with the lowest orgasm rate (bisexual men), at 86% vs 88%.“Women wish men understood that even if an orgasm is extremely welcome, it’s not always possible... which is why climax shouldn’t be the main goal,” the pro said. This, she stressed, doesn’t mean men should stop prioritising women’s pleasure. She suggested that the women she speaks to typically wish men focused more on the types of stimuli that can lead to orgasm, like clitoral stimulation, “but without feeling pressured to climax”.

4) Take your time 

Women take an average of about 13 minutes to orgasm during sex in monogamous heterosexual relationships. For men, that figure is about five to seven minutes.“Plenty of women feel that men give up on their orgasm too easily,” said Roos. “Even if it doesn’t always work, having a partner that gives up after a few minutes doesn’t feel as if they even want you to reach all the way.” 

Generally, she stated, straight men should “remember that it takes way longer for someone with a vulva to reach climax, and that you must build up the orgasm slowly”.

5) Women say they miss feeling desired 

Over the years, the sexologist said she’s met “so many women” who have mentioned wanting passion, romance and to feel desired by their partners.

But she added that there’s a problem here: many straight women want men to want to take these steps of their own volition, which can make bringing it up explicitly difficult. Luckily, it’s not about huge gestures, the therapist explained. “Make her feel sexy, special, and wanted every day, [including] when she’s not the one taking the initiative,” she suggested.

6) Don’t take a “no” personally 

Roos informed us that a lot of women she’s spoken to “feel like it’s difficult to say no to sex when knowing that their partner will feel rejected, disappointed, or get mad or grumpy”.Not only is this unfair, but it can also place undue pressure on women – and take the joy out of their sex lives. “Understand that a no to sex isn’t a no to you, to the relationship or to intimacy, just that sex at that very moment didn’t feel right,” she implored.

7) Show your appreciation in the moment

Women are more likely than men to experience “spectatoring”, which can involve worrying about how they look during sex, and it can result in them being no longer present in the moment. Sexologist Dr Tara previously told HuffPost UK that this “inhibits our ability to experience pleasure and connect with our partner”.Roos said “showing appreciation and how much she turns you on” can help to keep women more “present” during sex.

8) Talk more about oral

“Most women want to have way more oral sex than their male partner thinks, and it can feel difficult to ask for it when a partner seems to be uninterested, insecure, or not into it,” said the sexologist. “It’s also common to feel that you, as a woman, should give oral, while your own wishes” remain ignored, she added. This doesn’t mean men should commit to an act they don’t want to do, Roos stressed. But it highlights the importance of being able to “talk about what you like and what feels good when it comes to oral, and be open to new ways of exploring it – for example, in the shower, during 69, or with flavoured lube”.

9) Keep an open mind

Some women might have fantasies that feel taboo or difficult to talk about – whether that’s role-play, BDSM, exhibitionism, or dirty talk.

“No matter what the fantasy is, almost all women wish that they could talk about it with their partner without feeling judged, so... create an atmosphere where it feels safe and natural to talk about sex,” Roos advised.

10) Better aftercare matters

Many women “are longing for more romantic and emotionally intimate aftercare”, be it taking a shower or bath together, going on a walk, cooking, watching a movie, or just cuddling and talking, said Roos.

You can also take this as an opportunity “to ask her about what felt good during sex, and what you can try to do differently next time, a trick that will keep your sex life developing”.

11) Change it up 

Lastly, Roos said that women often feel they’re going through the motions with their partner – as if sex were scripted or routine. New positions, places, games, toys, and sex styles can shake this routine up, she added.

“This is built on a communicative and understanding relationship that gives space to all forms of intimacy, where it feels OK to be the way you are, and where no matter how tired, insecure, and stressed you are, you still feel loved and desired.”

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