"It's The Quickest Route To Building Resentment": 23 "Silent Killers" That Men Say Ruined Their Relationships Without Them Even Realizing It
by Abby Zinman · BuzzFeedIssues in relationships are sometimes harder to spot until you're out of them — especially problems that develop at a slower rate. So user u/PhilosopherBusy7312 on Reddit recently asked men, "What often destroys relationships but is hardly talked about?" and they shared some very interesting negative patterns.
Here are some of the top-voted answers:
1. "It's resentment. And it takes roots because of a number of different problems that people don't talk about. And once resentment takes root, it is very difficult to weed out of the garden. But it is the core issue that destroys relationships."
2. "Lack of communication. I see so many problems on dating subreddits that could've been fixed by a 10-minute chat."
"The 'problem' with these 10-minute chats is they have to be raw and sometimes uncomfortable, and a lot of people cannot deal with that."
"Lack of communication is the quickest route to building resentment."
3. "Lack of intimacy. Everyone wants to talk about how one spouse cheats on the other, but no one wants to talk about the sexless marriage that led to that outcome."
"There could be a lot of reasons why the marriage loses its intimacy, from growing apart, to life changes, to having too many kids. The reason doesn't really matter as it will never erase the need for intimacy."
4. "Not knowing that sex drive (physiological issues aside) is highly correlated to the amount of connection and romance in the relationship."
"People should stop blaming their partner for the lack of sex. Consider the role you play in the issue. You can't ignore your partner all day and then expect sex to unfold. LOL!"
5. "Insufficient commitment to ensuring the relationship is maintained in a healthy state over time long-term."
6. "People's trauma holding the relationship hostage."
"Yes, you have valid issues. Yes, the other person needs to be compassionate to your valid issues. No, you don't get to run that person into the ground because no one has told you that you're being spoiled with your needs."
"I know people have trauma and I know it's important to be compassionate to them because of it, but holy shit, so many people don't want to build a relationship — they just want someone to drown with them."
7. "Unspoken expectations."
8. "Contempt."
"I saw this was the number one reason for relationships not working, so good answer!"
9. "After the honeymoon stage ends, and you realize you actually have absolutely nothing in common."
10. "Not willing to work through tough times or when the attraction level dips."
"My ex would always say relationships shouldn't be hard. We had a good to great relationship 90-95% of the time. She gave up when her attraction level dipped.
After the breakup I wanted to tell her she gave up too easily, and if she just wants easy relationships then the only relationships she will have will be with her pets."
"Relationships are hard work; anyone that says otherwise is stupid."
11. "The need for attention and validation outside of your relationship."
"I was dating someone that was dismissive of the compliments I gave and invalidated the attention I would give him. When he'd make eye contact with a hot chick, though? All smiles and blushes."
12. "'Grass is greener on the other side' mentality."
13. "Comprehension. Two people can communicate to each other all they want, but if neither is understanding the other, then it’s all pointless."
14. "Money. Usually the lack of."
"And mismatched financial literacy and priorities. People like to pretend money doesn't matter, but when it comes to a serious relationship where you are cohabiting, potentially getting married, and starting a family, it's a huge cornerstone of your life together. Money problems will tear people apart."
15. "The lack of similar values and general compatibility, even with the love between them."
"People think love is enough; it isn't and won't be. And chemistry… chemistry is just sex. Which I reiterate: not enough."
16. "I think the biggest killer is a lack of empathy."
"This leads to husbands not fully understand or supporting women's emotional needs, and it leads to wives not understanding the emotional connection with intimacy for men."
17. "Social media. People portray this fairytale version of their (probably miserable) relationships, and folks scrolling through their feed wonder 'why not us?' Basic comparison is a thief of joy type stuff."
"Then you have all the TikTok life coaches telling you how to 'test' your relationship. Socials also make it dangerously easy to have an emotional affair or progress to a physical one."
18. "People getting into relationships to fill a void or to not be alone."
"There are some miserable people out there who get into relationships, thinking another person will fix everything."
19. "When people with insecure attachments get together and fail to recognize the importance of understanding each other's attachment style and working towards a secure one."
20. "Pride. Just fucking apologize."
"If you really care about your partner, 'winning' matters less."
21. "Children. They enter the picture and the whole dynamic changes."
"The relationship changes. Priorities change. Fathers especially suddenly lose their partners as the mother bonds in a way with the baby that fathers never can. Sleep deprivation and extra stress is introduced. Additional expenses are introduced. Freedom and spontaneity are lost, as is much of the ability to explore.
Nobody wants to say it, but children are often what ruins relationships."
22. "One major issue that often gets overlooked is the lack of emotional intimacy. Many couples focus on communication but forget to nurture that deeper connection."
"When partners stop sharing their feelings and vulnerabilities, it can create distance and misunderstandings."
23. And finally: "Chores."
"You would be surprised how many relationships fail because one person is being a bit of a lazy POS and not contributing to doing chores."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.