"I Would Have Been A Terrible Mother": People In Their 40s, 50s, And Beyond Who Never Had Kids Are Sharing Whether Or Not They Regret It
by Hannah Loewentheil · BuzzFeedHaving children is an enormous decision that impacts the rest of your life, and it certainly isn't for everyone. Well, Redditor u/Robin_to_the_meadow asked, "People in their 40s and 50s with no children, how does it feel?" Here's what they said.
1. "It was the right decision. I might have been a good dad, but I already feel pretty overwhelmed and busy. I feel like I don't have enough time to pursue my hobbies and interests while working full-time in a career that I take very seriously and is fairly demanding. I need to balance my interests with that of being a supportive and present partner in my marriage and maintaining a home and friendships..."
"...I've never really been that interested in kids, but I bet I could've pulled it off and done an excellent job. But I worry that I would have ended up resenting my children for absorbing the rest of the limited free time I have left to myself after my other adult responsibilities are fulfilled.
I've never really had any interest in that, so it's not like something I would undertake joyfully. I imagine I would probably grow to like it, but even doing things with my three-year-old nephew, who I love so much, starts to feel like a chore after about half a day. The only serious relationship I had before I met my wife ended after five years because she changed her mind about having kids. I was upfront from the beginning that I didn't want them, so we decided to go our separate ways so she could do that, and there's never been a single second of my life where I think "what if" about that."
2. "Honestly, I am sort of sad, but not in an overwhelming way. I was always ambivalent about having kids. I would have been up for it if my partner wanted them, but he didn't, and I was totally fine not having them. I still don't feel strongly about it. But that partner and I broke up a few years back, and now that I'm in my early 40s, it's just very weird to realize that... well, that window is probably closed..."
"I mean, as far as I know, I could still get pregnant, but my current partner and I aren't in a place to be looking at that, and since we'd really have to try, like... now, I'm accepting that it's just not going to happen. So yeah, there's some kind of grief. But it's a weird sort of grief because I never actively wanted kids and was always perfectly comfortable with the idea of not having them. It's more grief over losing the potential of having them in the future, I guess.
Many people have asked, 'Why not just adopt?' I'll add that I am adopted (closed infant adoption), and though I love being adopted, for many reasons I explain in this comment thread, I have always known I would never adopt. Everyone is aware of adoption as an option, but it's a unique journey that should be chosen on its own merits, and not every person is suited to be an adoptive parent. And also... I STILL don't actively want kids!"
3. "I wanted to have kids but couldn't, so sometimes I'm sad seeing friends and colleagues having children. But it's nothing I can change, so I'm usually not thinking much about it. And sometimes I'm also a bit glad I don't have kids seeing how the world goes to shit, and no one seems to care to make the necessary changes so that their children or grandchildren will still have a liveable world."
4. "My sister is a mess, and my parents had to step in and raise her two kids. My friends are at the stage where their children are becoming adults, and some are royally messing up their lives. Watching my parents deal with my sister and my friends deal with their kids — I'm SO glad I didn't reproduce. I don't have one regret. People always assume their kids will be great. In reality, it's a crapshoot, and you could end up with kids that make your life hell."
5. "On the one hand, I seriously envy my friends who have two lovely sons who are now in high school. On the other hand, I'm glad that I'm not my sister and brother-in-law who have two spawns of Satan who are four and six years old."
6. "I definitely think it was the right choice for me. I have to be honest with myself: I am a little lazy and selfish, and while I think I might have been a decent dad, I don't think I would have been a happy one."
7. "For a while, I was a fence-sitter. It wasn't until 30 that I realized it was even a choice and not an inevitability. In the U.S. culture, marriage and children are a common life script. It took time for me to acknowledge that that script isn't a good fit for me, and it didn't solidify until my late 30s..."
"For a while, it was money, security, environmental concerns, and overpopulation. But it was also simply a lack of genuine desire to be a parent. I've often wished we could live multiple lives to try everything, but in this life, I don't really want children.
That was hard for me to grapple with in some ways because I was blessed with great parents, and my mother was a fantastically caring role model. But, my biggest reason for thinking about parenthood was fear of regret. That's not enough. Parents should want their children.
This is a whole other human being you're bringing into this world. They deserve to be wanted and loved and properly cared for. You're responsible for them, and it might not turn out roses. Parental anxiety doesn't magically dissipate after 18 years, either. For the rest of your life, you are a parent.
There are also a lot of physical things that can go wrong with pregnancy, especially the pregnant person—which are not talked about enough. Our society holds a very rose-colored glass view of pregnancy as glowing and natural. It really messes with people's bodies, not to mention post-partum mental health. A lot of folks will argue that not having children is selfish.
This is puzzling because those same folks will say in the next breath that having children ensures you won't die lonely. If you need to be a parent because that feels like your destiny and you are full of love, that's one thing, but if you have children to safeguard your future… now THAT is selfish.
If you are unhappy, parenthood won't fix it. If you are lonely, parenthood won't fix it. If you're following a life script in a daze, trying to check all the right boxes, take a moment to examine your reasons. If you want to be a parent, that's great. Best of love and luck. It's possible to live a comfortable life full of love while doing what you want, giving back to your community, staying open and curious, and generally living a good life without adding parenthood into the mix."
8. "I never once had the tingling feeling of wanting to become a parent. I simply don't have that want/desire/responsibility to raise a child, especially in this timeline we're living in. Then I met my wife (who thinks the same way). We both love traveling, backpacking, camping, etc. It's freeing knowing we can get up in a split second and go."
9. "No regrets. I can't even care for myself, let alone have to take care of another living person. So I just do what I want with my life and have a great time doing it. It's pretty awesome."
10. "It sucks. Kids open up a lot of things you simply miss out on if you never had them. Going to Disney World, a theme park, or even major fairs, the beach, seeing families with their kids having a good time. Birthday parties, the thrills of school activities, holidays..."
"...You get old, your friends get old, your parents pass on, and everything feels a little bit hollow. Yeah, you also pass on a lot of stress, problems, heartache, headaches, and financial issues, but in life, you take the good with the bad, and you realize you gave up a lot of good after it's too late to do anything about it. And aging alone has ZERO upside to it — none, nada."
11. "It's hard. I feel like I missed out on the best parts of adulthood… first steps, taking my kid to school, coaching little league, school plays, dinner table conversations, family vacations, helping them when they are hurt, Santa Claus, seeing them grow, arguments and apologies, grandchildren… it just never materialized for me. It's like I wasn't worthy of that gift of finding a wife to build a family. I can put on a brave face many days, but deep down, it's crushing."
12. "I adore being an aunt. I'm technically in my thirties for a few more days, and the kids are very young, but I took the toddler to the zoo on Friday. We had a blast. She's still a bit young to understand a lot of it, but she really loved watching the meerkats zoom around their habitat. But after that, I was physically destroyed for the rest of the day. But I could give her back and go rest, so it's perfect. I could never ever keep up with a kid 24/7."
13. "It's kind of depressing. I want to be a dad, but I'd rather let my broken brain diseases die off with me."
14. "I enjoy my quiet, clean house and disposable income to blow on whatever I want. But I know I'd have been a great dad, and I'm sad I didn't get to be one."
15. "It's pretty rough. I only started to feel better and come out of the sadness when I took full responsibility for choosing not to have children..."
"...My first partner didn't want kids until he was 40. My first husband was abusive and irresponsible. My boyfriends after that were non-committal. My second husband is amazing but has kids. He had the snip and felt he was too old to adopt or foster. The reality is that I chose these partners. I've got lovely adult stepchildren, and I'm an auntie and godmother. I've fostered rescue animals for 20 years. It's not the same… but you can't always get what you want, as the song goes."
16. "It’s strange because all your friends who have kids (which is mostly everyone) are completely consumed by their kids so you don’t relate as well with others. But also, it’s great because I have extra money, and I can spend it on whatever the heck I please..."
"...Oh, and I have extra time to do whatever I please. But sometimes I want to do something with my best friend, and she can’t because of her kid...so there are positives and negatives."
17. "I'm happy. I love sleeping late on Saturday mornings, not driving to tons of kids' sporting events, never having to stand on the sidelines in the cold and rain, cheering on kids, and driving to kids' party after kids' party every weekend. Parents often complain about preparing school lunches, which is not an issue. As a child, I never dreamed of being a mother; I have never played with dolls, ever..."
"...I never envisioned a time when I would have kids. I grew up in a very noisy house with too many people crammed into a small space. My many siblings quickly had lots of kids as well; I've been surrounded by kids and spent a lot of my life looking after other people, cleaning, cooking, and being a general dog's body.
I just don't want to do that anymore. I go on decent holidays; I'm free at the weekends. I love the peace and quiet. I am very happy in my own company and have minimal social battery. I don't believe I would have made a good parent. I do like kids, but I feel I've sacrificed enough of my life looking after other people, and I'm happy as I am."
18. "After numerous miscarriages, we were in our 40s, with no children. We would both do anything to have children. If we had a kid now, I'd be 68 when they graduated high school."
19. "Honestly, it's mixed. I see my friends and family and how happy they are; I reflect on my childhood and how great the moments with my family were. I've watched my grandmother go into assisted living; I know how horrible most places are. How much work my parents did to ensure she had top-notch care and wasn't abused or forgotten..."
"...My biggest worry is what happens when I hit 70, 80, or older. Who do I have left to help me navigate serious health complications, going into a home, or disastrous issues such as dementia or Alzheimer's? Society will throw me away because I don't have family that is willing to fight on my behalf the same way I will for my parents. I ask this same question to the other dinks I'm friends with, and few of them have ever considered these issues. Lately, I regret not having kids of my own. I feel like I missed out on a ton, and I find myself dwelling on the fact."
20. "I'm so thankful. I would have been a terrible mother, but I’m an amazing aunt."
Do you have something to add? If you decided not to have children, how do you feel about your decision years (or even decades) later? Do you have any regrets? Tell us about it in the comments or in this anonymous form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.