The Traitors: New Blood Recap: The Merry Murderers

The Traitors New Blood
The Traitors Are Watching/The Death Parade
Season 1 Episodes 3 - 4
Editor’s Rating ★★★★
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This is our last double episode, folks, so let’s prepare ourselves for a lot more frustration every week as we either fail to learn who has been murdered or who is being voted out. But seriously, who’s being voted out? Also, what happens at a round table that they don’t show us, since it’s basically a highlight reel of the discussion? Do they all laugh at what people say, or did the producers tell them to be very serious because they are discussing societal banishment [from a game show]? 

I do want to address that I have called these players “normie randos,” but apparently many of them have hundreds of thousands of followers on social media. A fair point, yes. But you know who else has hundreds of thousands of followers on social media? A possum. A very cute jumping spider. Certain squirrels. And I would not be able to identify them if they were contestants on a game show (embarrassing for me). I would think they were normie randos. 

Episode 3: “The Traitors Are Watching”

But back to this game show and the fate of the accomplices. Did Xavier and Katie manage to retrieve the death warrants from Crime and Punishment? Despite some very dramatic editing, we learn that yes! They both managed the task. As part of her pitch to become the new Traitor, Katie tells Tomica and Joe that she didn’t vote for Madeline at the round table because she thought Madeline was a Traitor. It’s a good pitch. Xavier goes the opposite route from the “loyalty” sell and tells the Traitors that there’s already heat on Katie because he floated her name. XAVIER. They’ve seen the show. Telling the existing Traitors you have no problem trying to get another (potential) Traitor out will only make them worry you’ll do the same to them.

Joe says picking Katie is either going to work out great for them or backfire. Well, yes, Joe, those are the two options: working or not working. They pick Katie. Xavier is bummed about his terrible strategy failing. So now our official Traitor lineup is Joe, Tomica, and Katie. 

At breakfast, everyone loves Katie’s marching band jacket. Alan was wearing one of these the previous week. Is marching band fashion in? Should I get one of those big structured hats? (Yes.) Tomica tells us Tiny Traitor Katie is reaching the Love Island crew (hot, young people). Okay, this is the thing! Why are some of the contestants acting like it’s Love Island? Why were Madeline and Victor like, wow, they’re super hot? No one is into this, you two! Focus on either your high level of integrity or your deviousness. That is all that exists here. No attractive singles being into each other unless they’re older, because that would be cute.

When the players realize Xavier has been murdered, Logan tells the camera that Xavier had mentioned Katie being nervous, and Logan’s going to keep an eye on her. No! Let Katie have fun being the tiniest Traitor in the world. 

Today’s mission is about smashing in crypt doors with a battering ram. “Wham, bam, thank you, ram,” Alan says to a giggling cast. I would also giggle at this, Alan. They have to maneuver the battering ram to each crypt and swing it into the doors, sending two players into each and hopefully winning $30,000. Arisa the Dog Walker tells us it’s hot seeing guys smash the door open. I just. I mean. That’s not. Sigh. Okay. 

Morgan and Arisa go into the first crypt, and there’s nothing but gold. Tomica and Clyde go into the second, and they have the option of taking half the money, but also getting a shield. Clyde takes the shield at Tomica’s insistence. Michael the Lawyer and Ben the Barrel Racer go into the third crypt (Alan calls them gay Lara Crofts) and have the option of grabbing $15,000 in gold or $5,000 and a clue about the Traitors. They obviously opt for the clue (it’s the right choice), and it says, “Last night two players battled in plain sight to become a Traitor.” 

Is this actually helpful? I guess the prompt said “information” and not a clue. I just don’t think anyone even saw Xavier and Katie looking at books, let alone taking something from one of them. The only notable moment anyone remembers is Arisa holding Victor’s hands and asking him if he is a Traitor. So now the heat’s on Arisa. Also Katie, which remains uncool of Xavier. 

At the round table, Michael says he’s going to use the Traitor information to earn back the $15,000 they sacrificed (I guess technically they sacrificed $10,000). When people start accusing Arisa, Victor proclaims that her holding his hands and asking him about being a Traitor was weird. Arisa is very, “Really, Victor?” It’s literally the only thing the players have to go on, though, other than Xavier’s scuttlebutt about Katie. Kriste unfortunately brings up a good point and mentions that Xavier was likely one of the two competing, and he’s the one who didn’t win. This is, in fact, a great use of the challenge information. Damnit, Kriste. 

Jay says he’s a body language expert (what are your credentials, dude? You’re a doctor), and Joe asks if he’s seen a change in anyone that day? Which is where we would be stuck for a week if this weren’t a double episode week!

Episode 4: “The Death Parade”

So thank God we get fast resolution to that question, because it’s literally just Jay saying he’s been taking a beat today “because it’s been a lot.” What! What?? What does that meeeeeean? Do you know why you’re here? This fourth episode is all about highlighting why Jay sucks. Again, these are real people who did not craft a reality TV persona to be here, but if Jay acted this way in front of me, I’d be like, “Sir, you gotta stop.” 

Michael thinks it’s Victor. Victor accuses Michael. Joe stands up for Michael and talks about how honorable he is, which is a really sweet moment, even though Joe’s a Traitor. Niyyah is down on Victor and also Arisa. Okay, let’s vote: Joe (Victor), Wyatt (Arisa), Jay (Victor), Abbey L (Arisa), Morgan (Victor), Shane (Victor), Arisa (Michael), Mark (Arisa), Tomica (Victor). At this point, it’s 5-5 (plus the vote for Michael), but after that, literally the next eight people vote for Arisa. Sooo, the first two people murdered are Black (Kim and Xavier), and now Arisa’s out. Okay. Okay. I thought this was my escapist show and not my “holds a mirror up to society” show. I mean, they could’ve voted out Victor because he sucks and everyone’s suspicious of him, but okay. When Arisa proclaims herself a Faithful, Michael looks hilariously stunned, and Alan tells them to weep for the fall of innocence and the failure of justice. Alan is really out here earning his Emmy. 

Victor says that it’s a stinky feeling to be accused, and then again proclaims himself a sweaty boy. VICTOR. Again, your chyron says “Business Executive” even though your LinkedIn just talks about being in sales. Why are you infantilizing yourself? Are you a business executive whose mom still does everything for him? (I mean, probably.) We follow up this behavior by seeing that all the fucking men are in the wine cellar again. *narrows eyes* So this is how it’s gonna be? Is anyone even pointing this out? 

Michael does have a nice moment with Joe in this man wine cave about Joe standing up for him at the round table, and they hug. Joe is sincere in his support for Michael! It is not a traitorous deceit! Meanwhile, Sherry and Abby L. talk in their own space that is not the wine cellar, because that is dudes only, thank you, and Sherry says they should be looking at the men because there aren’t going to be three female Traitors. Abby L. immediately gloms onto that and thinks Sherry misspoke. Guys. Again. Has a real Traitor ever been caught through mispeaking like this? I’m not saying it can’t happen, and I know they’re desperate for clues, but come on. 

Side note: I wish the players all actually slept at the castle like it’s camp. Castle camp. Why aren’t there like 22 bedrooms in this rented castle? 

In Katie’s first turret, she calls it a doozy of the day. Also, that Frodo Baggins camera trick makes Katie look even tinier in the turret. Why is she the farthest away from the camera?! They already constantly talk about how pocket-sized she is, and now you’re making her into a Borrower via camera angle? Tomica and Joe let Katie decide who to murder. It’s between Mark, Logan, and Abby L.

The next day at breakfast, Sherry says she’s going to talk more; Ben is starting to suspect Michael; and Victor says he’s really proud of himself. (WHY?) We learn that Logan has been murdered. Katie says she thinks Logan was undermining his intelligence. I think she means underselling, but she is 23, so we’re going to let it slide. Alan tells the cast that Logan is Lo-gone. I would laugh so hard at that they would have to stop filming. 

For the second mission, there are barrels stacked on two carts. Players have to open three gates, but stay ahead of the Death Parade. Anyone caught by the Death Parade will be on the short list for that night’s murder. At the end, you have to light a line of fire across the path of the parade so they stop. Aghhh, this is stressful. Jay tells us where he met his wife. 

At the first gate, we learn that players have to be left behind. The rest tell Victor he has to do it (lolllll), and Mark volunteers. Jay says he has a name and will tell them if they let him light the fire. Jay keeps talking about causing chaos, but what chaos! Being annoying? The other two are Niyyah and Morgan. Niyyah tells us if they hadn’t volunteered, everyone would’ve died. Checks out. 

At the second gate, Kriste and Tomica volunteer to stay back. Jay tells the group that he is even more sure after this last gate. The rest of the group tells Jay to stfu. They have to leave behind four more at the final gate. Joe, Clyde, Abby L, and Sherry volunteer. Everyone is annoyed with Jay. Shane lights the fire at the end, and Jay says, “IT’S KRISTE,” to which someone says, “Shut UP, Jay.” I am delighted. 

Jay apologizes at dinner and sits by himself. He’s going to bring up Victor, Kriste, and Katie’s names at the round table.  We’re ending before a round table! No resolution until next week! Ahhhh! Can everyone just vote Jay out? 

You Have My Vote

• Who would I vote for on Traitors? It’s hard to judge what one would do without having the insider knowledge, because who knows the full context of what’s happening in that castle, but based on what’s presented, here are my picks:

No Insider Knowledge. STILL VICTOR. Why is he still here?

Yes, Insider Knowledge. Jay. Get out of my castle.