The Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip Recap: Gag Order

The Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip
Cockies and Conversation
Season 5 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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There comes a moment in every vacation when your patience starts to wear thin. Do you hate your friends? Do you hate your family? Do you desperately need a full night’s sleep? As much as I continue to enjoy RHUGT season five as Bravo’s state-sponsored trip down memory lane, I may have reached that point during episode six. This is the most exhausted I have felt since the show started, whether from the breakneck pace of constantly moving from city to city or from the sustained time spent with Vicki Gunvalson. I can’t just blame it on her, either — if you keep cameras on any of these women for long enough, the narcissism and delusion that made them stars will eventually bubble to the surface. This week, it’s Luann who needs a time-out.

When we pick up in Miami, everyone is still mad at Lisa for almost making them miss their flight. Well, everyone but Teresa, who is distracted by Lisa’s love-bombing. Tre says she would have gotten off the bus if the other women had decided to make Lisa Uber to the airport, which is a sign of true friendship and poor financial decisions. I like the budding friendship between these two, even if it is largely a trauma response: Lisa has never been able to find an ally as ride-or-die as Teresa, and Tre has never been able to find a fawning sycophant who didn’t also carry the baggage of being Jen Aydin.

Meanwhile, Gizelle, Porsha, and Luann keep harping on Lisa being late and not apologizing, which is admittedly very annoying but not worth the airtime it’s getting. I guess I’ll take that over Vicki’s discussion of her bowels, now in distress after she took double doses of Dulcolax and Metamucil to combat her travel constipation. “We do not have digestive issues in Beverly Hills,” Kyle claims, but as someone who grew up there among many other Jews, I can assure you that’s not true. The best part of this scene was Vicki emerging from the bathroom with a “note to self” — Valerie Cherish, is that you? The worst part was a flashback to all the poop talk on the cursed later seasons of OG RHONY, including two separate instances of a Housewife literally shitting on the floor. Must we?

Let’s move on from potty talk — we’re in Miami! Hearing Adriana de Moura’s unforgettable theme song “Feel the Rush” sent literal chills down my spine. And what a joy to see Alexia and Marysol lounging on the beach with mojitos and croquetas. Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone? Bring back my girls! When the RHUGT cast arrives, there is some appropriately gushing praise of RHOM, the only Housewives city to actually return after being canceled. “I feel like you all came back better than you left,” Porsha says, and I do appreciate that she seems to have real knowledge of all of these shows.

What I appreciate less is the Wig Snatcher game they all play next. While the Let the Mouse Go game in Beverly Hills was designed to highlight iconic RHOBH moments, this one has nothing at all to do with RHOM. The women don wigs that recall memorable past Housewives hair, but there’s not a single Miami Housewife represented. That aside, I’m not crazy about the wig choices in general. There are two separate Kim Zolciaks with nothing to distinguish them, and Vicki’s redhead Kandi Burruss wig looks more like Caroline Manzo. Was Erika Jayne’s pink Tokyo hair really a look worth remembering? The game is also ill-conceived, with two teams vying to see who can snatch the most wigs — that’s it. It functions mostly as a way for Kyle to remind us that she’s scary competitive. Never forget: She will steal your crutches at game night.

After wig-snatching, Porsha confronts Vicki about leaving her Alter Egos party early, which Vicki chalks up to her bum knee and feeling out of place. (If I were Vicki, I would not complain about being uncomfortable and not finding my people at an Atlanta party. She’s not beating the allegations!) Porsha then says directly what we’ve all been thinking — maybe Vicki was moping because she’s the OG of the O.C. and didn’t get anywhere near the rapturous reception that Nene did. Vicki insists that she doesn’t get jealous, adding, “I don’t need attention. I’m good.” That’s not very believable coming from a woman who jumped into doing two consecutive reality shows despite being visibly miserable. 

But there’s someone else ready to pull focus. As will become more and more apparent throughout the episode, the Countess has been overserved, and now it’s everyone’s problem. When she drinks too much, she transforms into what I think of as AI-generated Lu, which means she spouts a lot of nonsense that sounds like an amalgam of her song lyrics, her taglines, and her most memorable quotes. “It doesn’t matter where you’re from, it’s about what you’ve learned,” she babbles. “That’s the important part. It’s about learning, growing, and becoming a better human to the universe.” One thing Luann says does resonate with Vicki, however: The RHOC cast tears Vicki down instead of giving her the respect she deserves. Vicki concedes that the other ladies dim her sparkle — or, as Brittany Cartwright would say, her “sporkle.” When Gizelle asks if she regrets doing this show, Vicki insists that she’s happy to be here and resolves to whoop it up tonight.

The others won’t have to wait that long for fun Vicki, who proceeds to get drunk at their poolside lunch. “She’s startin’,” says AI-generated Lu, programmed to regurgitate her most famous RHONY lines. It looks like the prompt could use some tinkering, though. Remembering that we’re in Miami and should be celebrating that show, the ladies turn the conversation to Marysol’s mother, the dearly departed Mama Elsa, complete with a clip package. After Marysol shares that five days before season three started filming, Elsa had a stroke she never recovered from, Luann interrupts: “I want to die having sex. Or a heart attack.” She proceeds to tell a “funny” story about her uncle dying on the toilet, because there hasn’t been enough bathroom humor in this episode. Porsha, who has emerged as the MVP of this RHUGT season, says it best in her confessional: “Not only can Luann not really sing, but she really can’t read a room either. Like, what the fuck are you doing?”

While I really do wish we could spend more time talking about RHOM, Porsha is smart to redirect the conversation to Lisa so they can squash that beef. She handles this like a pro — even with Luann interrupting her repeatedly — and tells Baby Gorgeous that her RHOSLC castmates feel like she doesn’t take accountability. Now her RHUGT castmates know the feeling themselves, since she refused to apologize for being so late. Lisa actually hears this. “I was in the wrong 100 percent because I understand it’s a respect thing,” she replies, explaining that she’s on the defensive after a tough reunion.

Problem solved? Not exactly. Gizelle, whose self-producing has moved past the point of being helpful, tells Lisa the RHOSLC women also said Lisa talks to bloggers. I never want to hear the word “blogger” again on any Bravo show, and I resent Gizelle for bringing this complete nonissue to the table. “If anything is coming out about this group, I’m only going to have to look at you,” she says, and that feels like a pretty big “if”! Lisa strongly defends herself, inviting God to strike her dead if she’s lying, which freaks the hell out of Vicki. I’m just not sure why we’re discussing this at all when nothing from the season has been leaked. Kyle reasonably points out, “Just because people say something doesn’t make it true.” She knows how damaging these claims can be. The last time she accused someone of planting stories, “good-bye, Kyle” happened.

Vicki’s now lit enough to lead a toast, and that may be what it takes to salvage this lunch. Unfortunately, Luann is incapable of letting her finish a sentence, interrupting her over and over again to ironically explain the importance of timing. “Luann just can’t help herself,” Kyle says in her confessional. “She’s like, ‘Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?’” Vicki finally gets through the toast, which ends up being about the sorority of Real Housewives and protecting one another. It’s made all the funnier by the fact that she was yelling “Gag her! Gag her!” about Lu moments prior.

Not exactly feeling the sisterhood, Lisa excuses herself to the bathroom, where she has a belated cry about the accusation leveled against her. Teresa, who appears to have a tracking device on Lisa, is thankfully there within seconds to comfort her. Even though Gizelle came in hot, Lisa seems more upset about where the claim originated — her RHOSLC co-stars are determined to poison the well with her new castmates. “They’re so fucking sick,” Lisa says. “I literally think they’re mentally ill stalker weird people.” Maybe so, but I’m pretty sure they’re just jealous Lisa got the coveted RHUGT spot. Imagine getting limited camera time on this landmark franchise event and using almost all of it to slur about how terrible Lisa Barlow is.

Despite Tre advising her not to let Heather Gay & Co. bring her down, Lisa is still weepy when she gets in the car taking them back to the hotel. Luann then Kool-Aid Man bursts in and offers a hilariously oblivious, “How happy are we? What a day!” It’s not just that she doesn’t realize Lisa is upset — I’m not sure she knows that Lisa or Teresa are even in the car. On the ride back, ChatGPLu delivers more stream-of-consciousness inanity, which the editors are all too happy to include. “Life is about self and respect for self, nobody can take you down, that’s what a diva is, my life is a cabaret,” she rambles. “Never be the last to leave the party, always be the first, keep them guessing where you’ve gone, I love the game, that’s why I’m still here.” If Luann has an “off” switch, Lisa and Tre have yet to find it. By the time she starts singing “Chic C’est La Vie,” they’ve simply resigned themselves to their fates. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Countess speaking. And there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.