The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Blasts From the Past

The Real Housewives of Orange County
Don’t Look Now
Season 20 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating ★★
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We might as well start at the end, because it’s the moment I’ve been waiting for over the last three months — a cavalcade of The Real Housewives of Orange County alums descending on the hippie house of Elizabeth Vargas, a one-season wonder who has become much more iconic since getting fired. All due respect to Tamra’s weed seltzer, but I’m here for ex-Housewives, and they arrive in droves. There are more familiar faces, like Jeana Keough, Lizzie Rovsek, and Jo De La Rosa, along with deeper cuts, like Quinn Fry and Tammy Knickerbocker. Vicki hugs Braunwyn/Brown Wind! Heather asks Lynne Curtin about her cuffs! As an easy mark for Bravo nostalgia, I ate it up. Yes, there are some omissions. Peggy Tanous isn’t there because she was inexplicably invited to RHUGT instead, and Peggy Sulahian isn’t there because Alex Baskin lost her number the second that season ended. Gretchen and Slade, meanwhile, have been banished to a hell dimension ever since Luann broke the framed photo that housed their souls. But on the whole, this is what I wanted from the big 20th-anniversary season: a shameless excuse to gather the Housewives of Orange County past.

Alas, we’ve mostly gotten something far less compelling. This is a season so overwhelmingly dull that it’s taken three different gay guys to recap it. (Thank you to Tom Smyth for filling in for me, the person filling in for Dame Brian Moylan.) I’ll circle back on the party so we can talk about Alexis Bellino Janssen making an even bigger ass of herself than when she added that extra surname, but I suppose we should talk about the rest of the episode first. 

Vicki and Tamra are meeting up to get their Prenuvo scans, and no, this is definitely not spon-con. Here’s my thing about Prenuvo: It’s actually none of my business what’s going on in my body, especially not for $5,000. A neurologist once told me that she only orders MRIs when they’re medically warranted, because otherwise you might see shit that is worrying but not immediately dangerous or actionable. It was good advice, and I intend to follow it unless Prenuvo wants to give me a free scan. Vicki learns that she has an increase in plaque in her brain, which is probably the result of the sepsis she had last year. She’s freaked out because her dad got Alzheimer’s at a relatively young age, but the doctor assures her that what she’s seeing on the scan is not that kind of plaque. It’s still a scary result, though. Vicki implores Tamra not to tell the other women that she has brain damage, all but ensuring that Tamra will run her mouth at the first opportunity.

Whether or not there’s something symptomatic about Vicki’s vague brain issues, I do think we’re underestimating the degree to which her overall health problems have contributed to her Debbie Downer vibes on RHOC and RHUGT. Sepsis is really, really bad and causes serious (sometimes lifelong) complications if you survive it. And that’s to say nothing of the chronic pain she’s feeling in her knee. I’m not saying we should let Vicki off the hook for being a terror, something that’s been true for two decades now. I’m just saying we can acknowledge she’s probably miserable for reasons beyond that Mike won’t put a ring on it.

What happens next is conveyed almost entirely through flashbacks to dinners that weren’t interesting enough to become full scenes. (Tough to comprehend that there’s an even more boring version of this season on the cutting-room floor.) Tamra immediately told Jenn and Emily that Vicki thinks she has brain damage. At a different dinner, Vicki decided to confide in Jenn and Gina about the scary scan, and Jenn revealed that she had already heard. Now Vicki is rightfully pissed at Tamra, and Tamra is upset because Vicki called her “toxic.” Carmella is also still mad at Vicki for saying that Danny is raising her kids, and Heather is angry after learning that Vicki called her fake in Palm Springs. I’m mad, too, if anyone cares. The drama this season is so weightless and drawn out, and it’s really irking me. Everything is relayed thirdhand, and none of it is particularly sticky or interesting. 

It also isn’t leading to the explosive moments of confrontation that define a great Housewives season. At Emily’s in-laws’ Persian party — I thought this might be for Nowruz, but it seems to just be a party with a Persian theme — no one is interested in trying to get an apology from Vicki. It’s the wrong venue, and also that’s never going to happen. In flashbacks (naturally), Vicki is confronted about the shit she’s been talking about, and she repeatedly brushes it off, saying she misspoke. She’s probably going to start carrying around her Prenuvo scans to prove there’s a medical excuse for it.

Right now, Tamra does, to her credit, remember what she’s getting paid for, and she decides to talk to Vicki directly before her knee pain forces an Irish good-bye. Given my aforementioned weakness for nostalgia, this is the show relationship I care about most, even if it’s clearly more of an alliance than anything meaningful at this point. “I love Vicki like a sister,” Tamra says in a confessional. “Is Vicki a great person? No.” Nevertheless, the two find peace outside the party. Vicki tearfully tells Tamra that her medical issues are no one else’s business, which is both true and a silly thing to say when you’re Prenuvo-ing on-camera for a reality show. (It’s a verb now; just go with it.) Tamra hugs Vicki while she cries, and I want to believe she feels some actual guilt about treating Vicki’s brain scans as Housewives gossip. Realistically, though, this is who Tamra is, and Vicki is right to stay guarded around her.

Now what else is goin’ on? As flat as the group scenes have been falling this season, I’m even less interested in the individual story lines. We have Jenn half-feigning interest in real estate while Carmella continues to audition for Selling the OC. (They canceled that one! Let the dream die.) As Carmella explains that she’s trying to help Jenn the way people helped Carmella early in her developer career, Jenn all but admits this isn’t for her. She frames it as being inspired by Carmella to find a thing she is actually passionate about, which is as good a goal as any.

Elsewhere, Emily and Shane are having the same fight they’ve been having for literal years. He doesn’t feel like she is appreciative enough of the way he takes care of the kids so that she can enjoy herself, like when he let her stay at his parents’ Persian party so he could drive their children home. She thinks it’s a problem that he doesn’t feel like he has a life outside of being a parent, and that he isn’t doing anything to change things because he low-key likes being a martyr. Not to be crass, but I’m at a very shit-or-get-off-the-pot point with these two. I know Vicki would scream at me like I sent a family van for saying this, but if you’re that miserable, divorce, babe, divorce. And if it’s for a story line, please find a new one. The Simpsons have been circling the drain for so long that I’m ready to tear out the entire sink.

It’s a good episode for Heather, who is making strides with her mom and also having heartfelt conversations with Terry. We learn that she never felt smart until their first date, when she asked really astute questions about human tails, and I will give Real Housewives credit for still allowing me to write sentences that have never been written before. Her finest moment, however, comes at the aforementioned weed seltzer party. Shannon is unbothered by the arrival of Alexis and John — well, as unbothered as Shannon Storms Beador can be — but Heather has real unfinished business with Alexis. After Heather said she wasn’t sure if she could attend the Janssens’ nuptials on account of her friendship with Shannon, Alexis went on a press tour (read Two Ts in a Pod) to whine about the betrayal.

At the party, Heather leans into her new “fake as fuck” ethos and waves at Alexis, who allegedly gives her a look. I’ll be honest, it didn’t seem that serious to me, but I appreciate how much this activates Heather, who starts to tell everyone about the slight. At one point, it looks as though she’s going to hire Carmella as a mercenary to physically crush Jesus Jugs. When Tamra asks Alexis if she intentionally gave Heather a look, it prompts a baffling storm-out. “I’m not doing this,” Alexis huffs while fleeing. Did she think she could slither her way back onto RHOC without any drama? Heather eventually goes outside to talk to Alexis — someone had to, as Alexis has accidentally locked herself and Tamra out — but the new Mrs. Janssen isn’t cut out for a fight. We can only guess how many hours it took her to prewrite her “there’s the door, Shannon Beador” line, and she hasn’t gotten any prep time for this. Although the episode ends on a To Be Continued, I can’t imagine much of a path forward for Alexis here. Unless, of course, there’s another former RHOC Housewife waiting in the wings to rescue her. Kimberly Bryant, is that you?