The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Birthday Bummers

The Real Housewives of Orange County
Ring of Truth
Season 20 Episode 9
Editor’s Rating ★★
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Supersize episodes of Real Housewives used to mean something: a dramatic confrontation, a friendship-ending fight, a dinner party from hell. Now, in the midst of one of its most boring seasons in two decades, RHOC delivers an extended installment that never comes close to justifying its length. What was the purpose of those extra minutes? A solo scene of Jenn’s sons talking about their feelings? Vicki and her boyfriend, Mike, discussing the varying opinions of her orthopedic surgeons? Tamra trying to spice up her marriage with a sexy game that has her barking like a dog on all fours? We are somehow on episode nine of the landmark 20th season, and this is how we’re spending our time. It’s enough to make you have a sneezing fit at a garden party. (And also enough for Brian to pass along recap duties to his archnemesis, me.)

It’s bad enough that we have to contend with yet another Heather Dubrow takedown season, which Brian clocked last week and which continues into tonight’s episode. No one can clearly articulate what Heather has done wrong, but for Emily, it has something to do with the way Heather makes her walk on eggshells, a thing that Emily has never actually done. “I truly believe Heather’s hypersensitivity hinders her relationship with me and also with the other women,” she says in a confessional. I guess I’d take that more seriously if they didn’t all take turns haranguing her for her pronunciation of “sangria.” There’s also the issue of Heather’s newfound friendship with Carmella. Gina feels “extremely blindsided” that Heather is using Carmella as her San Diego realtor, even though it makes objective sense. (Vicki would be the first to tell you that Carmella lives in San Diego!) What makes Heather’s choice especially strange to the other women is that she called Carmella “trashy” off-camera and said she didn’t belong in the friend group, i.e., on the show. None of this is particularly shocking — Heather previously quit RHOC after having to spend time with Kelly Dodd — but they’re going to use whatever ammunition against Miss Fancy Pants that they can.

The non-Heather topic of conversation among Emily, Gina, Shannon, and Jenn is Vicki’s relationship with Mike, a man who may or may not be the cause of Victoria’s Debbie Downer status. I think the real story here is that Vicki’s miserable because she’s 64 and no longer interested in making an ass of herself on camera but keeps signing up to do it anyway. (See also: her antisocial behavior on this season of RHUGT.) Tamra does make a compelling point that Vicki is likely toning herself down for Mike, as evidenced by the fact that she freaks out every time she overshares about their sex life. More troublingly, Tamra reveals that Mike is holding an engagement ring over Vicki’s head by saying she has to act right for 90 days before he’ll give it to her, and that she has so far failed to make it that long without pissing him off. “I don’t like it when men start dating someone, and they know exactly who that person is, but then they want them to behave differently,” Emily says in a confessional, and for once, I agree with her. You can’t date a Real Housewife and then get mad about Housewifery.

In the subsequent home scene with Vicki and Mike, however, I do get more of a sense of what might be holding him back. He points out that she’s been talking about slowing down for three years, but continues taking on new projects. And sure, I might also be frustrated if my partner said we’d have more time to travel together, and then took a televised road trip with a bunch of reality stars instead. But how many opportunities do you have in this life to watch Countess Luann zipline into Kyle Richards’s white party? Especially when, as the death-obsessed Vicki notes, you only have so many years left. “We don’t have good genes to live a long life,” she tells Mike, which I think is her way of flirting.

Despite the tension in the group, everyone gathers for Shannon’s “surprise party” — minus Carmella, who is feeling more and more like a Friend Of, probably because she lives in San Diego. I’m very confused about why we’re calling this a surprise party, when it’s actually my worst nightmare: a bunch of my friends showing up uninvited and expecting to be entertained. (The show doesn’t break the fourth wall here, but I’m comforted by the knowledge that Shannon definitely saw the call sheet.) It’s a pretty depressing affair, no matter how much Shannon insists that she’s touched. It doesn’t help that her general vibe is rivaling Vicki’s for the Debbie Downer title. Why does she tell a story about making out with a guy at a bar like your mother letting you know that someone died? Shannon says she wants to establish herself, and that Vicki is helping her with her finances (let’s start with the $3,000 monthly Uber budget). She wants to travel with her daughters more. “But not first class, we’re doing coach,” Vicki interjects, prompting the one genuine laugh of the episode for me — Heather panicking when she briefly believes Vicki’s suggesting they’ll all have to sit in the back of the plane. Somewhere, Lisa Barlow is physically shaking. 

The next day, while Shannon decompresses from the thrill of suddenly having to find seating in her home for multiple people, she decides she doesn’t actually want to go through with her planned one-on-one time with Tamra. Instead, she suggests to Tamra that they invite Vicki, who will otherwise be spending her birthday alone. This strikes me as a completely reasonable suggestion — Shannon has wisely decided not to make this another season of refusing to interact with Tamra, but she also doesn’t want to jump right back into a best friendship with someone who calls her an alcoholic every time there’s a dip in the conversation. 

Tamra, however, knows exactly how boring this season is, so she decides to respond by sending passive-aggressive flowers to Vicki’s birthday drinks. “I wish I could be there, but I don’t want to make Shannon uncomfortable,” she writes on the card, which she signs “Tamra Grudge.” “I thought we were moving forward, but not everyone’s there yet.” As if Vicki’s birthday weren’t enough of a bummer, Shannon shares that Tamra has also been telling the others she thinks Mike proposed to Vicki and then took the ring back when he and Vicki got into a fight, a fully made-up story that admittedly doesn’t sound that unlikely. Vicki is mostly upset at how much this is going to bother Mike. “I’m not gonna be the one that shares my relationship with anybody anymore,” she says in her confessional. “I did it in the past, and it didn’t turn out well. I’m over it.” Production must be thrilled they gave this woman her orange back.

In a twist stolen from The Silence of the Lambs, the editors make it look like Tamra is going to show up at Vicki’s birthday drinks, but instead she arrives at Javier’s to meet Heather, Emily, and Jenn. The purpose of this gathering — aside from Tamra throwing a tantrum by bailing on the Tres Amigas — is for the ladies to confront Heather about how weird it is that she’s friends with Carmella, a person she hates. Emily comes in so hot that she can’t even hear Heather’s completely reasonable response, in which she owns up to having been judgmental and using the word “trashy,” while saying that she’s gotten to know Carmella since then and now really likes her. It’s deeply irritating to watch Emily on autopilot trying to make this fight happen because she can’t recalibrate. She will not let this Heather takedown season be stymied!

I’m sure it’s equally annoying for Emily that Heather immediately squashes things with Carmella at Jenn’s garden party. After spending some time with a shockingly pointless “intuitive” — we’ve fallen so far from the days when a psychic could correctly out Brooks as not having cancer — Heather pulls Carmella aside for a conversation. “I fucked up a few weeks ago, and I owe you an apology,” she tells the newbie. “I was so judgy. I didn’t feel like you belonged in our group, and I said some shitty things, and I used the word ‘trashy.’” This is the gold standard for a Housewives apology: straightforward, honest, contrite. Given that these shows are as much about resolution as conflict, I appreciate how maturely Heather handled this. I also believe that she was unnerved by the restraining order in Carmella’s past, but felt differently after getting to know her. Whatever faults Heather may have, this all strikes me as completely normal human behavior. That’s probably why Carmella is so willing to move on, even as she admits to being triggered by the judgment. (Again, it could be worse! She could be Kelly Dodd.)

But this is a supersize episode, so something has to happen at the garden party. In this case, unfortunately, that means reigniting the feud between Shannon and Tamra, the latter of whom is being immature even by Tamra standards. Between sneezes, Shannon explains that she wants to ease back into their friendship, a policy that feels completely justified when Tamra starts yelling again. What exactly is the problem here? In a confessional, Tamra laments that Shannon can’t soften her heart, but is that not what Shannon has been doing for several episodes now? It hasn’t been that long since Tamra called her a struggling alcoholic loser at the Quiet Woman, though maybe if something happens on a different show it’s not canon to this one. “I am acknowledging how kind Tamra’s been to me, but I need to take baby steps,” Shannon says, which is extremely gracious, all things considered.

Next up, it’s Vicki’s turn at bat. She insists that she and Mike will get hitched when they’re ready, and that the 90-day thing was a joke. Everyone knows that if you want your castmates to stop asking about your relationship, the last thing you should do is scream at them to stop asking. Is the OG of the O.C. new here? Logic aside, though, Vicki is lashing out at everyone, firing strays at Jenn and Heather. (You know it’s a Heather takedown season when she can get screamed at for interrupting at a lunch where she hasn’t opened her mouth once.) But Vicki’s true frustration is with her friend, her soulmate, her sister, Tamra, who probably shouldn’t have speculated about Vicki’s very long non-engagement. The real problem for her is that talking about all of this on camera is only going to make Mike less interested in committing — but that’s something Vicki should have thought about before jumping back into the fray. 

This particular fight, at least, is over before it’s begun, giving Carmella an opportunity to celebrate the Aries birthdays among them with more luxe Dior products. It’s a gift to Vicki and Shannon, but also to the rest of the cast, who now have something else to talk about next week. As a gift to the audience, let’s please limit that episode to standard length.