The Real Housewives of Rhode Island Recap: Masquerade Brawl

The Real Housewives of Rhode Island
Newport, New Problem
Season 1 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating ★★★★
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We all knew this day would eventually come, but who would have thought we’d already get there by episode six? Kelsey has broken up with her boyfriend/primary stream of income. This explains why she was so desperate for all of Rosie’s Channel 10 fans to follow her hair business. She’s gonna have a lot of flat-ironing to do if she’s going to be able to afford her own 79 televisions. Not only that, but this will be the first time she’s venturing out into the world as an independent adult, given that she had gone straight from her parents’ house to her boyfriend’s. There’s so much for her to figure out, and luckily for us, she’ll be doing it on-camera. 

She FaceTimes Liz (and what appears to be Liz’s pet bobcat) to talk through the breakup, and explains that the situation had finally run its course. Though it was always unconventional, she admits that there eventually were more people involved with him than she had originally thought. Ugh, don’t you hate it when your boyfriend cheats on you with someone other than his other girlfriend? Throughout this entire conversation, for as gripping as it may be, Liz refuses to put down the device she’s using to do some kind of red-light therapy on her face. We love a multitasker. Her one question: “Who’s gonna de-seed the lemons?” It’s a question that practically sends a shiver down Kelsey’s spine. The thought of not having her boyfriend’s staff there to pick out her lemon seeds might just make her rethink this whole thing. But no, it’s really time to close this chapter, so she’ll simply have to find a way to cope. Might I suggest buying seedless lemons? 

Along with that breakup bombshell, this episode also marks the show’s first cast trip, hosted by Alicia and Liz. You might be wondering — where are the ladies of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island jetting off to for this cast trip? The answer is …Rhode Island. That’s right, they’re “Rhode Trippin’” 30 minutes up the street to Newport, which of course is much too far for Alicia to drive, so the pedestrians of Rhode Island can sleep easy. Distance-wise, that’s like if The Real Housewives of New Jersey went on a cast trip to Englewood, or if the RHONY cast headed to Queens. Granted, where they’re staying in Newport (a town presumably named after Kim Zolciak’s cigarettes) is much nicer than both of those places. Seaview Terrace is one of the city’s many historic castles, and because everybody in the state knows each other, it’s naturally owned by Liz’s friend’s friend.

After their arrival, which notably includes zero fighting over rooms given that there are 29 of them in the castle, the women change and gather outside for a tea party. But this isn’t just your typical human tea party … Alicia brought her dolls. Each of the women gets one of her beloved dolls to join them at the table, which, naturally, has been equipped with high chairs. When Jo-Ellen asks Alicia to explain her affinity to the group, she says, “So, like, with dolls, right, throughout the entire world for centuries, or like billions of years ago, every girl, most of them, just connects with baby dolls.” First of all, let’s start with “billions of years ago,” which might sound comically inaccurate. But you know what? I think Alicia knows something that the scientists don’t, and soon enough, she’ll be proved right. Secondly, I’m very sure that this explanation was just Alicia paraphrasing the opening narration of the Barbie movie. We love a cinephile.

But there’s one doll there without a date. Rulla is nowhere to be found, which isn’t entirely surprising given that she seems to be taking a call sheet as a light suggestion. She didn’t answer Alicia’s call, and while everybody else brushes this off as Rullala being Rullala, Jo-Ellen sees an opportunity to pounce. “This is wicked rude that she’s not here,” she says, even though she maintains that she does feel bad for her situation. Liz still doesn’t believe any of Jo-Ellen’s claims that she cares about Rulla’s well-being. In any case, Alicia encourages them all to stop campaigning against Brian because she’s clearly hitched her wagon to that philandering horse, saying, “Nobody needs to remind her that he’s a scumbag anymore; it’s done.” 

Later — after a brief shot of Alicia walking the grounds with a metal detector — the women gather yet again for dinner. But per Housewives tradition, this can’t just be a straightforward meal; there’s some sort of catch. Liz has acquired various masquerade masks for the women to wear, so they can then remove their metaphorical and literal masks and reveal something about themselves. Diva, is there anything left to reveal? We’re half a dozen episodes in, and I already know more about these women than I know about myself! But listen, if it means getting to hear Alicia try to pronounce the word facade, I’m all in.

While everybody else was given masks in the vein of Eyes Wide Shut, as Kelsey says (an impressive reference for her, given that that wasn’t a Disney Channel Original Movie), Ashley’s mask is simply the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. There’s no theatrical flair or feathers; instead, it simply covers the entirety of her face with another blank plastic face. It makes for some of the most hilarious reaction shots of all time.

Jo-Ellen kicks off the little game, for lack of a better word, by telling the women that she never felt like her mother loved her growing up, and sharing that she was sent away to a behavioral program for much more troubled kids. I just know she ran that place like the Navy. Liz, meanwhile, talks about the abandonment issues she’s dealt with since the loss of her mother, blaming that for her tough exterior. Those are followed up with Ashley, God love her, basically saying that her tragedy is that she hasn’t had a tragedy yet, so it’s always looming. She cries over not having a sob story in a way that I find so beautiful. 

Kelsey uses the moment to talk about her breakup, which was news to Rosie, and it’s here that we find out that not only are she and her ex on good terms, but he’s still paying for things. “It’s the least he can do,” she says about him covering her health insurance, car insurance, and rent for a new place … and you know what, sure, why not? Her leaving that nest would otherwise be such a disastrous culture shock that I’m all in favor of a very gradual off-ramp for Kels — at least until we pass universal health care. 

And speaking of being out of a home, Alicia shares that as a child, her father sold the house out from under them, leaving them homeless and living with her grandmother. But Liz pushes back on this, saying that they were never homeless and that her family wouldn’t like her saying that. At first, it seems like it’s not Liz’s place to butt in, but she explains in her confessional that she was really just trying to protect Alicia from sounding privileged — à la when Bethenny Frankel got dragged for calling herself homeless when she was between apartments. 

All in all, the game was fairly successful, with one hiccup. Afterward, Kelsey tells Rosie that her talking about her shyness was the first genuine thing out of her mouth. While Rosie naturally bristles at that, Kelsey maintains that she meant it as a compliment, and shockingly, the other women think Rosie is at fault for having a problem with the comment in the first place. Ashley and I seem to be the only ones with any sense, and who recognize that Kelsey’s “compliment” was incredibly backhanded. Later, when Rosie asks her to give specific instances of her not being genuine, Kelsey says that she’s lied about her house’s square footage and why she left her job. 

Rosie, of course, denies this and does a little square-footage algebra for us while maintaining that she did, in fact, leave work because of her colitis. Normally, it takes at least a few seasons to get Housewives accusing one another of faking an illness, but Rhode Island simply is built different. Rosie points out in her confessional that Kelsey is only attacking her about the things that she herself doesn’t have: a house, husband, and career. But at the end of the day, I think it just comes down to these two just not liking each other, and what a gift that is to behold.