The Traitors: New Blood Series-Premiere Recap: Who Survives the Night?

The Traitors New Blood
A New Dawn Is Rising/I’m a Sweaty Boy
Season 1 Episodes 1 - 2
Editor’s Rating ★★★

Do you feel that? There’s a chill in the air. Fog steals across the moor, and the campy burr of a Scottish bisexual resonates in your ears. The Traitors is back! Now with new blood, by which they mean rando normies instead of dystopian YA novel squads of reality TV stars. There’s no automatic Housewives-type clique here. People are really reaching for commonality, which means they bond over things like “being from the Northeast.” This is great because it makes people work to find their group, but also because there’s no easy shorthand for the Traitors. They can’t just be like, “We will sow chaos by killing a gamer.” Now they have to really get to know the people and then say, “We will kill Victor because he sucks.”

Episode 1: “A New Dawn is Rising”

The downside of the normie randos is we now have to learn the names of twenty-two people, and I am tired. For the sake of sanity, let’s focus on our key players for these first two episodes: Tomica, pilot from Boston; Katie, marketing manager from Florida; Madeline, construction manager from San Diego; Kriste, stay-at-home mom from Mississippi; Xavier, MLB analyst, or as he is known to me, baseball man from Florida; Joe, funeral director from New York; Victor, “business executive” from New York; and Kim, civil litigation lawyer from Houston and the love of my life (when my wife watches these episodes, she’ll understand). Honorable shoutout to perpetual quiet lady and content creator Morgan Evelyn Cook, whose content is a delight and I love her. 

It’s a lot of people, but everything is okay, because Alan Cumming is there dressed as a mix between Joan of Arc and a majorette. He’s also wearing a plaid sporran with his initials blazoned across the front. No one can take this sporran because it is spoken for. The cast seems to have mostly met on the train or in shared cars to the castle. While traveling, we learn things like Sherry is a writer and Mark doesn’t read. Kim the Lawyer lies and tells everyone she’s a college basketball coach, which is a real Survivor move. Kriste of Mississippi tells us she survived raising two boys, so she can survive a couple nights in the castle. Those things don’t connect, Kriste. Victor the “Business Executive” (if I don’t put it in quotes, he might think I’m taking his job seriously) says things like “Let’s go, baby.” That’s what I want to hear from my company leadership. That, and how it’s difficult for them to concentrate when pretty girls are around. Really firing on all cylinders, Victor. (These are real people and I will try not to be mean to them, but Victor is terrible so far, and he needs to know it and grow from the experience.)

The prize for the New Blood contestants is $250,000, but this time around, for every Traitor that they find and banish, they add another $15,000 to the total. Nice. They’re finally allowed in the castle, and they react very similarly to how we all would. They’re hyped about the breakfast room, and of course they are. Do you know how many insane outfits those walls have witnessed? They get to be in the same room in the castle that saw MJ awkwardly clutching her blue cargo pants. I would be dying. They head for the round table straight away, but not before we hear what some of them would do with the prize money. Abbey B. tells us her daughter has a rare genetic disorder, and the money would help fund gene therapy for her. Then we go to Ben, a barrel racer, who would use it to support his mini cow. He also has a pig and says pigs are the new dogs. You guys. Someone just pay for Abbey’s daughter’s gene therapy. I can’t take anyone else’s reason to win seriously anymore.

When we get to the first round table, we still don’t know everyone’s name. That’s how many people there are. Alan is about to pick Traitors, and I still have to hear how Jay from Oklahoma City’s motto is “relentless.” I just. Y’know. Okay, guy. Alan does the table walkaround and taps Funeral Director Joe, who is ecstatic, and Pilot Tomica. One more Traitor will be added soon, and there’s going to be a murder that very night. “You better not kill Kim,” I tell the TV.

The first mission is a fake shipwreck of the HMS Cumming. Three crates have treasure chests containing $10,000 each. The players have to figure out how to open the chests, each of which contains part of a code. If the players get all three chests open and put together the code, they can open the captain’s safe on the main deck of the ship, which contains another $20,000. There are also three shields on the top deck, high up where everyone can stare accusatorily at whoever is brazen enough to grab one. Also, they only have twenty-five minutes to get this done, and the crates are very heavy. 

Victor runs straight for a shield, and everyone judges him for it. Abby L. gets the second shield, and Madeline takes the last one. The team collects all $50,000 from the challenge, and everyone is mad at the shield people, but they’re less mad at Abby and Madeline since they waited. You can’t run right for the shield, Victor. Wait, why am I giving you good advice? What if there’s a pretty girl around and you can’t pay attention? 

The Traitors take their oath, and Joe and Tomica are psyched to see each other. Alan informs them they will be taking on two accomplices who will compete to become the third Traitor. The one they don’t select will be murdered. Joe doesn’t want to bring in someone who’s gonna mess up the vibe, which is the only time I’ve related to Joe so far. Can’t mess up the vibe. If the vibe is messed up, then what are we even doing here? 

Episode 2: “I’m a Sweaty Boy”

When we pick up in episode two, the Traitors select Xavier the Baseball Guy and Katie the 23-year-old marketing manager, because they want an in with the young people. The accomplices’ first task is to commit a murder, which is either going to be Michael the Lawyer, Kim the Faux Basketball Coach and Queen of My Heart, or Arisa the Dog Groomer from L.A. Due to body type differences, it seems pretty obvious who it is, and I am mad about it. 

At breakfast, we do indeed learn that the Traitors killed Kim. LOOK. I get their reasoning that she seemed very smart and they didn’t want that messing up their game. I get that. And they didn’t even know she was a lawyer, which would have been another reason to do it. But this is the third time out of five American seasons of The Traitors that a queer woman of color has been the first on the show to be murdered and booooooooooooooooo. Boooooo. Coach Kim, you wear suits amazingly, and if you started talking to me, I would do some real idiotic giggling.

Xavier and Katie know the other is an accomplice, and Xavier immediately starts saying things like, “Wow, Katie sure seems like a Traitor, y’know?” I respect this, mainly because they know that the person not picked by the Traitors is going to be killed. Meanwhile, Madeline is talking to Kriste and Victor and says that she feels like shit picking Kim. We, of course, know that Madeline meant she would have felt like shit if she had picked Kim, but Kriste takes this information and runs off like an excited terrier, immediately telling everyone that Madeline and Victor are Traitors. I mean. I’m sure it’s very frustrating not having any actual idea who the Traitors are, plus you have cameras on you and will be on national TV. But again, we’ve been here before with the mispeaking, and it just doesn’t seem like a smoking gun to me. But what else do they have? 

At the first roundtable elimination, people immediately want to talk about shields and how Victor was a real piece of shit for running to get one as soon as the task started. Victor defends himself by saying he didn’t want to be the first out, but everyone is like, yeah, none of us wanted to be, and yet we did not act like a dick and not even help before running for a shield. My favorite remaining lady, Morgan, gives us the classic Traitors observation that either he’s overcompensating, or he’s a very selfish Faithful. So true, Morgan.

Then Kriste tells everyone what she heard Madeline say, which Madeline denies and Victor says he didn’t hear. I’m not saying this has self-righteous witch-hunting vibes, but … no, it does. Madeline looks like she knows it’s over already. Someone points out that after the Traitors were initially selected, Victor was drenched in sweat, to which Victor horrifyingly replies that he’s a sweaty boy. Thanks, business executive! 

The majority vote for Madeline, but there’s a strong Victor block. Great; get him out next time. Madeline reveals she’s a Faithful and says Kriste is a liar. Kriste is crushed and starts proclaiming she is not a liar. Alan tells them all that tonight they and democracy have faltered. Hahahaha, what a great show.

As we close out the week, Arisa tells us she has mastered the art of body language because of dog grooming (I can’t with any of this anymore), and the accomplices face their second task, which is to find one of two blank death warrants in Crime and Punishment and deliver it to the Traitors. One is in the library, and one is in the atrium. We don’t know if either will succeed, but Xavier seems to have better odds in the atrium. I don’t care which of them wins, so best of luck to them both!

You Have My Vote

• Who would I vote for on Traitors? It’s hard to judge what one would do without having the insider knowledge, because who knows the full context of what’s happening in that castle, but based on what’s presented, here are my picks:

No Insider Knowledge. I’d like to think I wouldn’t vote for Madeline based on what Kriste said, because it’s the same logic used to get Peppermint out when she misspoke. It was wrong then, and it’s wrong now. I think I’d vote out Victor based on the round table discussion and because he sucks.

Yes, Insider Knowledge. Still Victor. Get out of my castle, sir.