Bravo’s Newest Stars Live in Rhode Island

This column originally appeared in Brian Moylan’s newsletter, The Housewives Institute Bulletin. Sign up here to be the first to read the next edition.

Since the fifth episode of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island aired this past Sunday (and what an amazing, five-star episode it was), by the power vested in me by the Eileen Davidson Accords of 2014, I can now judge this whole new crop of women. It’s not often that we get to do this all in one go, and it’s certainly not that often that I judge them all [bangs gavel] to be utterly delightful, except for maybe Rulla. Case dismissed [bangs gavel]. Since saying they’re all amazing is boring, I’m going to tell you why each of them is amazing and their projected longevity in this group. Because their associations are actually very tight, it’s a bit like a wobbly Jenga tower: Take away one and the whole enterprise could topple. But let’s rank them on who is going the distance and whose clam could be shut sooner.

Jo-Ellen Tiberi

While the bonds among this crew are strong and infinite (just ask Alicia’s high-school Spanish teacher), everything seems to flow through Jo-Ellen, particularly the tight foursome that includes her, Alicia, Liz, and Kelsey. Even those outside that group, like Rulla and Rosie, are bonded to Jo-Ellen through their strife. She also has the classic Housewives role of being the bone carrier, getting all the gossip, bringing it to the group, then deploying it to move the story line, just as she did with Rulla’s husband’s “ongoing.” She also has several great attributes for elite Housewifery: excellence and ease in conflict, quickness with a withering read, the ability to turn gossip into stories, and a hot husband. The only thing she’s lacking is a compelling personal story line, but just wait until her sister and that hot husband get even closer. Jo-Ellen will still be on this show when the polar ice caps swallow most of the state. Because of her centrality to the group and her ease with plot mechanics, I see her future much like that of Kyle Richards’s.

Liz McGraw

Much like Jo-Ellen, Liz is a unifying factor of the group and a little bit of the matriarch. What she has over Jo-Ellen is a more explosive temper that is likely to create tension with others in the group, as seen when she blew up at Kelsey during her Studio 54 party and when she turned on Alicia when she thought she was spreading rumors about her potential affair with Dino. Between her husband’s sportfishing, selling her boat, and whatever is going on with this Dino character, the other thing she has: several compelling personal narratives. Given her adjacency to the weed business and some unsavory characters (have you Googled Dino?), I could see this going entirely awry in future seasons. What Jo-Ellen has over Liz is that she’s bringing in outside stories to the group, which is a slightly more utilitarian skill in the high-octane, late-stage Housewifery era that we’re in now. With Liz’s vocal tics, hilarious confessionals, huge temper, and friendliness with Dolores Catania, she is this show’s Teresa Giudice, and she’ll be on it as long as she keeps her nose clean.

Alicia Carmody

Diva, icon, goddess, mother: She is every superlative that a drag queen would lay at her feet. (Alicia probably loves drag queens because they look like Bratz dolls.) She is one of a kind and the comedic engine of the show. Every episode, she has multiple perfect moments, whether it’s doing the “Janes Fonda” workout, eating Wheat Thins out of her purse, or, most famously, talking about how she ran over a woman with the calmness that most of us have while talking about going to the Stop & Shop. Alicia hasn’t engaged in much of the fighting yet, but her one dustup with Rosie showed that she is keenly aware of both conflict and its resolution, which is the name of the game with Housewives. Funny, close with everyone, not afraid to scrap when she needs to, and a true original makes Alicia more like NeNe Leakes than anyone we’ve seen in ages. She’ll be around for a while. Look for her branching out to other reality shows soon.

Rosie DiMare

She is just what every group needs: a troublemaker. Whether it’s by knowing what is necessary to make the show work or just the dint of internal messiness, Rosie knows how to get a fight going, keep a fight going, then bow out in tears just as it gets a little too intense. She’s outside the core group, but that makes her unafraid to start beef with just about anyone, including Jo-Ellen for calling her out for bringing cheap wine, Kelsey for being a polygamist, and Alicia for saying that Liz has a temper. There’s also a stockpile of rumors about Rosie and her husband, which, hello, future mess. Between the little-sister vibes, shading everyone no matter where she goes, jumping into a fight and easing out of it, and some very, very, very (very, very, very, very) questionable confessional looks, she’s giving Ashley Darby and will be around just as long.

Ashley Iaconetti

The latest in the growing Bachelor Nation–to–Bravo pipeline, this former crying virgin hasn’t done much crying and certainly is done virgining. Ashley is the furthest removed from the core circle, not a Rhode Island native, and has been entirely outside the central conflicts. She’s Rosie’s main ally, and, since Rosie is one of the main antagonists, that usually translates to job security. However, instead of blindly having her girl’s back, like when Kelsey came for her on the boat, she tried to figure out a way for them to get along, which is a little bit diametrically opposed to the mission of the show. Ashley’s personal story line, about her (superhot) husband working too much at his failing coffee shop, isn’t that original, but she gets major points for honesty (and his hotness). While it’s not a glamorous part, she’s the peacemaker and villain whisperer who fans will say “gives nothing” and will clamor for her to leave for seasons, even as she keeps showing us more and more questionable outfits, much like Gina Kirschenheiter.

Kelsey Swanson

To be the first self-professed sugar baby and open polyamorous person on Housewives is certainly a milestone, but I just don’t think that Kelsey has it in her for the long haul. Her friendship with Liz, which can be volatile but also solid, is a plus, but her coming after Rosie for not posting her haircut on Instagram is the only stupid and possibly fake beef that we’ve had all season. She doesn’t seem long for her relationship with Big Poppa Jr. (whom I like to call Fat Daddy), and once that’s over, I’m not sure what is that interesting or compelling about Kelsey. Also, she’s young, hot, and ambitious — is she going to want to stay in little old Rhode Island after the fame hits? I can see her dropping everything to pursue an ill-advised pop career à la Jo De La Rosa.

Rulla Nehme Pontarelli

I just don’t know that Rulla has what it takes to make it. She’s a bit tacked on to the cast, she’s beefing with main connector Jo-Ellen, and she doesn’t seem especially interesting, dynamic, funny, or surprising — all things that we want from our Housewives. There’s certainly juice in her relationship with her terrible husband, Brian, a sock without a foot, and his very blatant cheating, but I have a feeling she’s not going to stick around much longer after that, either because she doesn’t like the attention or the possible hatred from fans, much like Camille Grammer. But like Camille, I can also see her showing up at parties to say one bitchy thing a season.