No trust, no pain

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How can you keep yourself from being deceived, walked all over or taken advantage of? How can you stay safe when you give your heart away? These are some of the questions that have a million answers, but people still wake up to heartaches.

It seems there is one thing, which has proved to be the main reason why by the end of the day one gets disappointed and heartbroken. Trust is the biggest problem and challenge. Try and avoid trusting too fast. Of course, falling in love sweeps you off your feet. When you are in love, you are in a different reality. Everything is beautiful and right. Those rose-tinted glasses transform him from just another guy into your beloved, a knight and a hero among men.

One of the biggest fears is giving your love to someone who betrays your trust. It has probably already happened to you. It happens to most of us throughout a lifetime.

For some, the lesson is etched in memory. They never fully trust anyone again, not like they did before. They can’t bear the thought of going through that again. Whether it was a divorce, a lie, an affair or a broken promise, the people we love can betray us in a thousand different ways.

Some betrayals are like paper cuts that sting badly at the time but heal, and other betrayals will cut you in half. Your history makes it special, but new love is a form of intoxication.

Chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine cloud your senses. You can’t see your beloved clearly until the honeymoon period has worn off. Until then, you will only see the best in that person. Nature designed it that way for a reason!

When you are in love, you only see the best in him/her. The secret to avoiding heartache is not giving your trust right away, no matter how passionate you feel. Take it slowly.

Wait until your vision has cleared before trusting that person with the big things. You will know that you are seeing him more realistically when you start to see his bad points as well as the good. No one is perfect! You don’t think alike on everything. You are going to argue sometimes.

The end of the honeymoon period can feel like a bucket of cold water dumped on your head, but that bucket of cold water also wakes you up. It’s a shock, but it’s necessary. You have got to see the truth about one another eventually.

In the harsh light of day, you will find that you can trust him on some things and not others. You can trust him to be faithful and care about you, but maybe not to balance his chequebook or pick up the right groceries. And that’s fair enough. Trust should be realistic.

Trust

Don’t trust your partner more than he respects you. Trust and respect go hand in hand. The issue is that most times you find your partner challenging you, saying, “Why don’t you trust me? Don’t you love me? You must not love me if you are not going to trust me on this.”

This argument sounds convincing. Of course, you love him. It makes sense that you should trust someone you love. Okay, then you will trust him on this, even though something feels off. No wonder something feels off.

Manipulation is at play and he is using what you feel for him to get a free pass. Loving someone and trusting that person are two different things. Just ask any parent. You can love your children to the moon and back, but you are not going to trust them with matches or knives. Trust needs to be matched to specific situations and a proven track record!

A partner who respects you will understand and won’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. He will understand that trust takes time. In general, the more he respects you, the more you can trust him and the less he respects you, the less trust he deserves.

When you do trust, accept the risks. Love is a risky proposition. No matter how careful you are, there is always the chance of things going wrong. The moment you love someone else, you open yourself up to being hurt. You can’t know what the outcome will be.

Failures, wrong turns and despair, litter the road to victory. You can’t escape being hurt if you are going to open yourself up to love. No matter what happens, you can handle it.

Give yourself permission to get hurt. Accept the risks inherent in love. Trust yourself to be strong enough, because the trust you place in your own strength has a way of revealing your hidden reserves, your resourcefulness and the new future that awaits you.

Oh! and one more thing, the best way to avoid getting burnt is to have knowledge that allows you to predict the future. Knowledge is power precisely because it lets you predict things other people miss.

Trusting someone takes time. If you need reassurance from your partner, ask for it. If you are feeling insecure, let them know. Invite them to know you, how they make you feel and how you want to make them feel. Be open about your hopes, fears and dreams.

Assume your partner has good intentions. If they let you down, it may not be intentional, sometimes people simply make a mistake.

Don’t immediately assume that they are out to get you, it’s okay to question their intentions but be open to accepting that it may be a simple mistake. Always try and be honest and communicate about key issues in your relationship.

Spend time every day checking in, turning towards each other and reflecting on how things are. If there are issues in your relationship, don’t let them build, bring them into the light.

Acknowledge how past hurts may trigger mistrust in the present. Ask yourself, is my lack of trust due to my partner’s actions, my insecurities or both? Be aware of unresolved issues from your past relationships that may be triggering mistrust in the present.

Trust your intuition, have confidence in your own perceptions (as well as weighing them up against past experiences) and pay attention to red flags. If your gut is telling you something, don’t let it sit.

Speak it. Ask that question. If you harbour it, it will grow like a thorn in the side of your relationship, disturbing your growth and creating trust issues!

Source: B-Metro