BOFH: AI consultant rapidly transitioned to new role as automotive surface consultant
Now he has a bunch of free time too – in hospital
by Simon Travaglia · The RegisterEpisode 18 "STAGE THREE KLINGON, SIX O'CLOCK!" the PFY warns, as I'm making inroads into a lunchtime plate of onion bhajis.
"?" I ask, searching for a reflective surface in lieu of looking around.
"Blue-gray suit. Calming blue tie," he murmurs, as the footsteps approach.
"Simon, Stephen..." the new Boss bubbles, in fake tones of bonhomie. "This is Matthew."
"Hello, Matthew," Stephen says.
"Mmmmm MMmF MM," I add, in semi-fluent bhaji.
"Matthew's a process transition consultant," the Boss offers.
"MMMmm Muh MMM m MMmmMm MMmmMM?"
"He helps people transition from one thing to another," the Boss says, surprising me with his interpretation skills.
"You mean like from being inside the building to being outside the building?" I ask, wiping my lips. "Because the PFY can do that – and I bet he comes cheaper than Matthew."
"No, Matthew helps people transition from one role to another."
"I help people take the first steps to new employment opportunities," Matthew explains.
"SO DO I!" the PFY gasps. "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."
"Really?" Matthew says, impressed. "That first step's probably a big one."
"You have no idea," the PFY sighs.
"And would I have heard of any of these people?" Matthew asks politely.
"I shouldn't think so," the PFY says. "There's a hell of a dropout rate. So to speak."
The Boss shuffles Matthew a few meters away – which can only mean he's parked his car on the street outside the building today.
"Matthew's here to help people transition into the new world of AI," he chirps.
I resist the urge to reach for my linoleum knife.
The Boss senses my mental struggle and moves Matthew another half meter away.
"Why would people need help transitioning into the new world of AI?" the PFY asks. "The company already has a policy for that."
"Really?" Matthew asks. "What's the policy?"
"Cancel their access card and throw all their belongings into a cardboard box," the PFY replies.
"And throw the cardboard box in the bin," I add.
"That's not much of a policy," Matthew observes.
"It's better than the old one," the PFY counters.
"Which was?" the Boss asks.
"We used to use a plastic bag instead of a cardboard box," I reply. "It's greener."
"Matthew's going to be here for a while as we help people transition to the new roles AI will create," the Boss says.
"The only new roles AI will be creating will be once it finalizes its human-fired power station," the PFY predicts.
"Or when the price of nutrient-rich organic compost crosses some predetermined logic-based threshold. After which point you'd be a fool to use the lifts – or vertically integrated composting stations, as AI will no doubt rename them."
"I think you might be overexagge-" Matthew starts.
"So what jobs is AI creating at the moment, Matthew?" I ask.
"Well, there's AI trainers, auditors, governance and review people," he says. "Not to mention AI scouts, security engineers, and entrepreneurs."
"So, you're essentially saying AI is creating... jobs that serve AI?"
"There's an... uh... element of AI servicing in those roles, sure, but you have to take a holistic view that AI is creating a uhm..."
"... monopoly where the plebs will feed the machine with their lifeblood until such point as the AI can be its own nanny and do its own auditing, governing, scouting, et cetera?" the PFY suggests.
"There may be an element of that in the fullness of time, but by then AI will have created newer roles..."
"In the energy and fertilizer industries?" I suggest.
"No!" he simpers. "I mean roles in the uniquely creative."
"Until it does that as well."
"No, AI could never beat humans for creativity."
"Really?" the PFY asks, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Give me ten position titles for using human beings as fuel for a power station. And you get a head start while I'm typing that in."
>tippy< >tip< >tap<
"Ten euphemisms... for... position names. I... Well, I'm not reall... Uhmmmm..."
"Human Energy Technician, Biomass Production Engineer, Organic Fuel Supply Coordinator, Fuel Storage Producer, Director of Mass Conversion, Intermediary Heat Engineer, Energy Store Person, Bioenergy Manager, Carbon Transition Coordinator, and Organic Fuel Delivery Person."
"Yes, well, that's hardly real creativity, is it?" Matthew says defensively.
"Yeah, well, Potato, Solanum tuberosum."
"IN ANY CASE," the Boss interrupts, "we need to plan for the future, and Matthew's just the man to help us with that."
"And where will you be starting, Matthew?"
"I thought I'd take a look at how you currently work and see if there are ways in which AI could streamline your workflow."
"OUR workflow?" the PFY asks. "I thought you were transitioning the uh... deadwood."
"No, like I say, we're looking for opportunities for using AI to help you streamline your current roles and optimize your work performance," Matthew says. "I'm sure I can help you free up a bunch of your time."
The PFY and I both know that nothing heralds a redundancy round like the words "freeing up time."
"Sure," I say. "I'd love to get some free time."
... Two hours later ...
"Where's Matthew?" the Boss asks, entering Mission Control.
I nod to the PFY.
"Matthew?" he asks. "He's uh..." >tippy< >tip< >tap< "Uhhh... ooh! He's considering changing roles. He's considering becoming a... Vehicle Surface Technician, or a... Gravity Detailing Specialist, or an Auto Exterior Impressionist, or a ..."
"So, it's too late to move my car?" the Boss asks.
"Oh yes."
That AI is a powerful tool.