Why most high-school relationships fail, even after years of togetherness

Deep friendship, emotional connection, and comfort can keep high-school sweethearts together, even as they navigate life with an expanded horizon. However, chances are high that one or both partners can grow apart later on.

You started dating in school and managed to make it work for a few years. Now, despite being together for so long and sharing countless highs and lows, taking this relationship forward feels like a task. Sounds like the story of your life? You’re certainly not alone.

While most high-school relationships fade quickly, especially as college life leads them in different directions, the ones that endure the passage of time may also eventually reach a standstill. Essentially, because life happens. Though built on the strong foundation of friendship and genuine care, high-school relationships become hard to manage when two partners grow in different directions – this stage may arrive during college for some, or years after entering the professional world.

“High-school romances are special because they are often created in a unique environment where you meet your partner every day. This constant contact, combined with predictable, shared routines and experiences, builds a strong foundation of friendship and familiarity. These relationships often have an emotional depth with care, comfort, and learning through life's ups and downs,” explains Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based relationship counsellor.

Absy Sam, a Mumbai-based trauma-informed psychologist, meanwhile adds that such relationships can also reflect early attachment wounds or unmet needs, which might surface as they transition into more complex adult dynamics.

“It is important to understand that these relationships serve as foundational experiences, perhaps shaping how individuals perceive emotional connection, intimacy, and conflict,” says Sam.

Deep friendship, emotional connection, and comfort can keep high-school sweethearts together, even as they navigate life with an expanded horizon. However, chances are high that one or both partners can grow apart later on.

Why?

“These relationships are often formed during a period of significant emotional and neurological development. Individuals are mostly discovering themselves at that time – by being exposed to new environments, ideas, and experiences that shape their identities. These changes can lead to differences in values, goals, and interests between partners,” explains Sam.

“The very thing that once cemented the relationship together—the everyday closeness and emotional security—becomes harder to sustain, leading to the classic ‘we grew apart’ scenario,” says Ruuh.

As one is growing up and experiencing significant changes—new environments, career choices, and social circles can lead to differing paths.

“From an attachment and trauma-informed perspective, when young adults face these transitions, past wounds or developmental differences can emerge. For instance, if one partner's core needs or attachment style changes, or becomes more apparent as they mature, it can create a mismatch or perhaps lead to conflict,” says Sam.

When you fall for your high-school lover, you don’t yet know their core values. In fact, you’re still discovering yourself and figuring out your own expectations from a partner.

Even the internet agrees. A Reddit post discussing the probability of high-school lovers getting married echoes the sentiment.

"It's definitely possible, but hard. In your late teens and early 20s, your brain is still developing, you will have lots of new experiences, and you will undergo significant life changes. All of this means you'll be growing and changing at an extremely fast pace. The things you had in common with your high-school sweetheart in high school—including the level of maturity, outlook on life, and plans for the future—might very well not be there a few years down the line. It's possible for two people to grow together and in the same direction and for everything to be perfectly aligned, but it's hard," a Reddit user wrote.

But... they also evolve into successful marriages

Not to forget, some high-school relationships do eventually turn into successful marriages as well. And they can be pretty strong. What does it take to take your bond to that level?

It is when the emotional connection is strong from both sides, and the couple evolves while keeping the friendship strong, that they manage to beat the odds and carry this connection into long-term success.

“The key to making a high-school romance work is to continue nurturing that deep emotional connection and friendship even as life changes,” says Ruchi Ruuh.

“Couples who succeed often carry a shared history, friends, and the memories of growing up together. These give them resilience through life’s ups and downs,” she adds.

Open communication and the ability to express vulnerabilities without fear of judgment is also crucial as one grows through different phases of life.

“Couples who learn to recognise and communicate their needs and desires, as well as support each other in processing these, can maintain closeness despite changes. Successful relationships often involve a mutual commitment to personal as well as relational growth, ensuring that as partners shift in their identities and goals, they remain curious, empathetic, and willing to evolve together,” says Sam.

Add to that adaptability, mutual understanding, and shared growth, and a secure attachment through life transitions, and you are likely to be sorted.