How Being Authentic Taught Me to Love Myself

“Sometimes the hardest challenge isn’t receiving acceptance from God or other people; it’s receiving acceptance from ourselves.” ~Leigh Finke, Queerfully and Wonderfully Made

Growing up as a pastor’s kid, I had to hide who I was. I was taught that love from parents was conditional. I was taught that mistakes were met with a strict hand and harsh words. I was taught that I had to prove over and over that I was deserving of love.

As I grew up and learned more about the world around me and myself, I had to come to terms with my own sexuality and gender. I had to hide these parts as well. I was constantly told that those parts of me were “of the world” and sinful. But no matter how much I prayed or tried to change, my identity was still pushing through.

There were times I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be queer. What I wanted was to be the perfect little “Christian Girl.”

But it doesn’t work out like that.

Because in the end, I didn’t have to choose one side or the other. These identities weren’t opposing sides, no matter how much others believed they were.

What changed for me was when I had the space to actually be myself.

I was disowned by my parents and told that they would never respect my names, pronouns, or identity. So I moved out.

I went to college. I learned from my classes. I joined communities that fit who I was. I made new friends. I was around people that liked me for me.

I went to therapy. I slowly started to embrace who I truly was. I had the space and time to consider all parts and aspects of myself. I allowed myself to be authentic. And it was hard.

But I found my place in the world. I studied social work and got my bachelor’s and my master’s degree. I knew I wanted to help others in the way that I needed help.

To be authentic, I had to go against everything I was taught.

I struggled with being authentic and true to myself at first, because it meant that I wasn’t “acting like I was supposed to.” I had so many ideas in my head on how I was supposed to act, look, speak, and be. I was supposed to keep my long natural hair. I should never get tattoos or piercings. I was supposed to always be evangelizing about Jesus. I was supposed to be quiet and demure and never speak first.

But now, there was no one to report to. There was no one checking in on me. There was no one tracking what I did, what I said, what I changed.

So I started to slowly make changes. I quit going to things just out of obligation. I chose people that I actually liked to hang out with. I wore different clothes and I cut my hair. I started dating who I wanted to.

“But what if…” was always in my head.

Or “I don’t want to be too much…”

And then, “This is too weird…”

But I was hearing other phrases from people I had grown to care about, support, and love. They said the complete opposite. They said, “Go for it!” and “Why not?” Because I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

What was different was that I wasn’t holding myself to someone else’s expectations.

“You look happier.”

I was leaning into my core self, what I wanted to be, and how I wanted to act.

I wasn’t happier just because I was being queer and presenting as myself. But that helped, of course. I was happier because I wasn’t holding myself back. I wasn’t constantly wearing a mask to be what others wanted.

But self-love came way after.

Self-love comes from within. And even though I was doing everything to be authentic, it wasn’t natural for me yet.

We are taught how to love from those who raise us, whether that is our parents, siblings, grandparents, caregivers, anyone. Our past relationships are the models for how we understand what love is. They also teach us what kind of love we “deserve.”

I was taught that “love” is very specific. It has to be constantly fought over. It can be taken away at any moment. And it was waiting for you to mess up and make a mistake.

I was still living under my parents’ version of love, even when it was just me. I wasn’t taught to love the “weird” and the “different” parts of myself. I had to learn to embrace them until it felt natural.

But I had my support systems. I had my community. I had my therapy. I had my loved ones.

They continued to show up and show me what love truly is. They taught me different types of love. They taught me that love is actually unconditional. Love is patient, kind, caring, supportive, and free.

I didn’t have to do anything to deserve their love.

Relearning love takes time.

Now, years down the line, I have relearned and retaught myself what love can be. I do everything I can to not only receive that love but to also give that love.

The motto that I am currently embracing is “to have community, you must be community.” As a therapist, I help individuals and couples work to look inside themselves to find their own answers. But in my personal life, I am reaching out to friends, sending letters, and keeping in touch with family. I try to go above and beyond to be there for others, in the same way others are there for me.

If you are looking for self-love, look at your authentic self first. What works? What doesn’t? What is easy to accept? What parts do you avoid?

Ask yourself, am I showing up for me or for someone else? Am I being who I want to be, or am I trying to be someone else? What would it look like if I actually was who I wanted to be?

We all have ideas about who we are, what we could be, and what our core self is. The main part is actually accepting it. Accepting can move to authenticity, which can then grow into love.

You are an ever-growing person. and there is always so much to learn, accept, and love.

You are deserving of love.

You are deserving of authenticity.

You are deserving of acceptance.

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