What Went Wrong with Billy Crystal’s Bizarrely Bad Apple Drama ‘Before’?

The reviews are wretched. The release seems D.O.A. So before the horror-drama slips into streaming's Great Beyond, let's settle whatever questions we can about what, exactly, is going on in this show.

One of the famous scenes in “When Harry Met Sally…,” Nora Ephron and Rob Reiner’s autumnal rom-com classic, sees Harry (Billy Crystal) explaining why he always starts a new book by reading the last few pages: “That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.” Along with much of Harry’s advice, I don’t typically put this one into practice. Men and women can be friends, taking a buddy to the airport is no big deal, and impatient people reading stories out of order is probably how we ended up with all these in media res TV intros.

But boy, do I wish I had skipped to the end of “Before,” just to save myself some time. At least having seen all 10 episodes, I can confidently advise those few unfortunate souls curious enough to consider watching that they’re better off revisiting any other Crystal project instead. (Yes, even “America’s Sweethearts.”) Thankfully, “few” is the key word there. After a quiet opening weekend, only a handful of Apple subscribers appear at risk of suffering through a series critics have said “endlessly repeats [itself],” “feels like a waste of time,” and “fails on just about every level.”

Sometimes, we reviewers use hyperbole to help emphasize our perspectives, but that’s not the case here. “Before” isn’t just a disappointment (although it certainly is disappointing, given this is Billy Crystal‘s first TV show since FX’s 2015 meta-charmer “The Comedians.”) It’s bizarrely bad. There aren’t just a smattering of issues, but a shocking number of problems — any one of which would reasonably warrant abandoning the series for good. So before… “Before” (ouch, sorry) slips into streaming TV’s Great Beyond, let’s settle whatever questions we can about what, exactly, is wrong with this show.

Hopefully, doing so can help satiate any lingering intrigue from prospective audience members, while also providing catharsis for those still processing what they’ve already witnessed. Even though you can’t flip to the end of the book (not until the finale drops on December 20), that doesn’t mean you have to keep watching “Before.” Sometimes, it’s better to go to your grave not knowing.

The Title

Skipping to the end would be the only way of knowing what the title of the series means, and even with that knowledge, it’s an iffy choice.

“Before” is about Eli (Crystal), a child psychiatrist who, while grieving his wife’s recent death, takes on one last client: Noah, a foster kid who shows up at Eli’s Manhattan brownstone uninvited, scratching at his doorway, afflicted by creepy visions, and speaking 17th century Dutch. His foster mom, Denise (Rosie Perez), grows increasingly desperate to help her suddenly multilingual (and otherwise mute) son once he stabs a classmate with a pencil, but Eli is already all-in. Why? Noah’s troubles share eerie connections to Eli’s past, and while the science-sworn doctor may not believe in an afterlife, he sure as shit needs to figure out what’s going on with this kid in the here and now.

So… why call it “Before”? Is it because Eli’s past proves critical to saving Noah? Is it because he’s a psychiatrist who’s dedicated his life to understanding how prior experiences can contribute to present behaviors? Eh, kind of. Those explanations would certainly work, but it’s not quite the full story, and “Before” takes way too long getting around to its point.

But even if the eventual payoff provided audiences with one of those beautiful epiphanies — when, once all the pieces click into place, you can’t help but say “Oooohhh, yes! Now I get it!” — it would still be a bad title. “Before” is an adverb or a preposition. It’s meant to support a verb or phrase. It’s not designed to stand on its own. Setting the inherent guidance of grammar aside, it’s also a poor choice by modern standards. Type “Before” into Google and see what comes up. Even if Apple is elevating the show’s various webpages right now, there’s no way they’ll stay at the top of search results for “before” in the months and years to come. And since “Before” isn’t based on a book or some other form of preexisting I.P., there’s no business-y reason for Apple to insist on using a questionable title. (See: “Here,” another horrendous title, but at least one that’s rooted in a renowned graphic novel.)

The Star

To be clear, Billy Crystal’s performance is not a problem here. The Tony Award-winning song-and-dance comic is… fine. Natural, attentive, and still sporting enough of that movie star energy to hold your attention, Crystal does the job as well as one can expect.

But Billy Crystal is still a problem. His presence in a project sets a certain expectation for audiences: typically, that he’ll be funny. But even if he’s not being funny, his dramatic work tends to utilize his mocking, doubtful demeanor. “Before” sets that aside, saddling the actor with a character so monotonous and flat, he only comes alive when Crystal lets a little of himself break through, and even those fleeting moments of sardonic wit come at a cost. There aren’t enough of them to satisfy anyone seeking out a Billy Crystal comedy, and their erratic inclusion mainly reminds the rest of us what we’re missing.

At one point, a stranger tries to tell Eli a knock-knock joke, and Eli seems so devoid of understanding it’s as though Crystal himself as forgotten how to tell a joke — or what jokes even are. He deserves better, and so do we.

The Repetition

“Before” also violates what has to be the first commandment in streaming TV: “Thou shalt not repeat thyself!” Pick a scene where Noah hallucinates, trembles in fear, and cries out for help, and I guarantee I could not tell you which episode it’s from. It could be any of them! He does it all the time. And he’s not alone: Poor Judith Light is asked to repeat Eli’s wife’s suicide over and over again, Crystal is constantly reassuring Noah everything is OK (when it’s obviously not), and Maria Dizzia, playing Eli’s grown daughter, only exists to nag her dad that he’s failing his granddaughter as badly as he failed her. (He cares more for his child patients than he ever cared for his flesh-and-blood children! Who would’ve guessed?!)

Throw in clumsily resurfaced clues (do we think the farmhouse might be important?) and a number of repetitive dream sequences (the empty pool scenes, my God), and it becomes painful to realize just how much wheel-spinning is required to fill out 10 half-hour episodes.

The Dialogue

At the end of the second episode, Eli sits down with Noah to play a game. It’s the first in a series of games (damn this show is repetitive), and this one is as simple as they come: Eli shares something that makes him mad, and then Noah does the same. But what stands out isn’t the therapist’s chosen technique to connect with his patient or even the surprising results. What stands out is Eli’s first example:

“Something that makes me mad,” Eli says, “is people who eat my popcorn in the movies.”

Noah then responds in kind, and the two go back and forth for a while about more things that make them mad. But I didn’t hear anything after Eli’s first statement, because Eli’s first statement is pure lunacy.

“Something that makes me mad is people who… eat my popcorn… in the movies.”

What in the living hell is this man talking about? Of all the things to complain about regarding our modern theatrical experience — talking, texting, illegal recordings of climactic scenes that are then shared on social media to the inexplicable delight of the artists involved — who is walking around eating other people’s popcorn? I’ve had people sit in my reserved seat, I’ve seen them use my clearly marked cupholder, and I’ve even seen them take my coat off the back of my chair. (They claimed it was in the way of their feet?) But I’ve never, ever even thought about someone else eating my popcorn.

Did Eli go to the movies, sit down with a big tub of popped corn, and watch as the guy sitting next to him stole handful after handful of his salty, buttery goodness? Did the thief laugh as he did it? Or was it a mistake? Did he think it was his popcorn and Eli was just holding it for him, presumably to free up his other hand to make TikTok recordings? Even if this brazen act of movie-snack robbery did happen, did it happen to Eli more than once? I have to assume it did! It’s his first complaint! It’s top of mind! What makes him mad is when people at the movies eat his popcorn!!

[Author’s note: A colleague I consulted about this line suggested perhaps Eli is talking about when a friend or family member steals his popcorn, incorrectly assuming they’re sharing the tub? Perhaps Eli is just very, very territorial about his movie snacks and built up decades of resentment toward his wife for eating too much of “his” popcorn? While this might be the most plausible explanation, the fact that Eli uses the word “people” and not “friends” or “my wife” makes me worry there’s something else going on here.]

I’m sorry if rampant popcorn thievery is actually happening to you, my dear readers — oh my God, I just realized: Did it happen to Billy Crystal?? — but this is not normal. It’s certainly not normal enough to be used in a scene where the line in question isn’t the focus. “Before” wants us to pay attention to what happens next, but there’s simply no way to absorb this piece of dialogue without asking a zillion follow-up questions. And that’s a problem. It’s a problem that happens more than once, and it’s a problem that not only throws off individual scenes, but cumulatively distorts the entire series. There’s simply no getting around dialogue this daffy.

The Tone

In yet another dreary drama lit like an Apple store under a storm cloud, “Before” at least has thematic reasons for its washed-out color palette. (Water is important, for reasons that won’t be clear until the finale.) But that doesn’t explain why its tone is so stubbornly dour, or why it never finds a foothold in any of the genres it tries on for size.

“Before” is a mystery! Except, the mystery is so opaque, it’s hard to get caught up in a guessing game. (Important clues are way too obvious, but no one follows up on them for weeks and weeks, leaving your own investigation hemmed in.)

OK, then maybe “Before” is a horror show! Yeah, maybe. It is bloody and creepy… except its random moments of gore tend to rely on excessive violence to elicit a reaction, and because they’re so fanciful — most clearly take place in a dream or vision — they have less and less impact as the show goes on. (Some are also pretty silly straight from the jump.)

Fine, well, then “Before” is just a drama with mysterious and horrific elements. Yes, I guess that’s true, but it sets up the stakes of its drama so poorly, it’s difficult to care only about the main characters. (Noah needs to start talking again? And Eli needs to prove he’s a good therapist after his wife’s suicide?) No matter what mood the series aims to strike, there’s a persistent joylessness that’s meant to convey importance, but instead highlights incompetence.

Really, I can’t explain how it feels to watch this show any better than Alan Sepinwall: “‘Before’ plays like a Billy Crystal Oscars-cast parody of ‘The Sixth Sense,’ only it’s 10 episodes long and meant to be taken entirely seriously.”

The “Creature” Design

OK, I admit: Referring to whatever weird VFX used in “Before” as “creature design” is a bit grandiose. There aren’t any actual creatures — at least, not the kind that routinely populate Guillermo del Toro movies and “What We Do in the Shadows” — but there are… tentacles. When Noah suffers one of his hallucinations (or are they?), the dark water spots dripping down the ceiling transform into a disembodied tentacle. It’s soaking wet, seems slimy, and usually wraps itself around the face of whoever Noah’s talking to (sorry Eli).

While creepy enough the first time through, there are three issues with the tentacles:

1. I’ve seen all 10 episodes, and I have no idea why there are tentacles in Noah’s visions. There are a few explanations that could justify their appearance, but they’re not exactly satisfying.

2. The tentacles are used too often and too stagnantly. Rather than reveal the tentacles in Episode 1 and see more of what they’re attached to — an octopus, perhaps? — in ensuing episodes, the same silly little flappers pull the same trick every time. They reach out, they appear threatening, and then they disappear. To keep being scary, things need to escalate. Sure, sometimes the tentacles show up as worms (don’t ask), but that’s actually more of a deescalation. Worms are smaller than tentacles. These little guys are icky, but they’re hardly as terrifying as whatever unseen creature is on the other end of those six-foot-long tentacles. Or, they shouldn’t be. But we never get to find out.

3. The CGI tentacles look silly. Part of why “Before” fails as a horror show is simply that it doesn’t commit to being scary. There’s plenty of blood, but it’s never oozing, dripping, or puddling on the floor. It can be cartoonishly sprayed against a wall, or unrealistically restrained — like when Eli dreams of finding a small hole in his neck and casually pries it open until it’s the size of a baseball — but it never feels real. Similarly, the tentacles aren’t shot or rendered with any weight. They lack tactility. Too smooth, too sludgy, too lacking in specificity. They seem fake, which is fine if the show is trying to tell us not to take Noah’s hallucinations seriously. But it does want us to take them seriously because he’s taking them seriously. Every damn time.

3a. To avoid the appearance of placing undue blame on the special effects team — who may have done exactly what was asked of them — the practical horror aspects in “Before” don’t fare any better. There’s a scene where Noah is being wheeled out of a room filled with children and, for reasons I don’t have time to get into, each kid is meant to collapse as Noah moves by. But the blocking, the editing, and the acting is all wrong. Kids fall at different times, in different ways. The pacing is irregular, and the selected shots spark laughter instead of dread. What’s supposed to be a big, frightening climax that spurs you onto the next episode turns into a ridiculous, frustrating reason to flat-out stop watching.

The Ending

No, I won’t be spoiling the ending of “Before,” but let me echo my fellow critics in saying it’s not worth your time. “Frustrating for any number of reasons,” says Daniel Fienberg in The Hollywood Reporter. “You can’t help but feel disappointed,” writes Kaiya Shunyata for RogerEbert.com. “A meandering mess from start to finish,” sums up Saloni Gajjar’s AV Club review.

Anything as stubbornly murky as “Before” — in its broader mystery and its characters’ motivations — needs to deliver a satisfying conclusion, and this one can’t even resolve the questions it thinks it does. Worse still, the ending to upend what little closure is given in order to set up a Season 2. That’s putting the cart before the horse, to say the least. If Harry had access to the finale, I doubt he’d even bother to fast-forward to the last scene. And this time, he’d be right!

“Before” is now available on Apple TV+.