Woman says she suddenly wants a child years into child-free marriage, but husband refuses - Singapore News
· The IndependentSINGAPORE: Most couples usually discuss whether they want children before tying the knot, hoping they’re on the same page before taking the next step. But what happens when one partner has a change of heart years later?
One woman recently found herself facing exactly that situation after realising she wanted to become a mother, despite agreeing to a child-free marriage when she and her husband first got together.
Sharing her story on the SGWhispers Facebook page, the woman said the topic of children had come up before they got married. Her husband had always been firm that he did not want kids, and at the time, she felt the same way.
“Before marriage, we did talk about it. He made it clear that he doesn’t want any. I, on the other hand, at that time, didn’t want kids either, although I wouldn’t mind,” she explained.
However, as the years went by, something changed.
“I don’t know what it is, but I suddenly yearn to have at least one child,” she wrote.
When she brought it up with her husband, she said he looked “scared” and reiterated that he still did not want children.
“He told me that he still doesn’t want any. The thing is, he never really told me why. He told me things like not financially ready, world’s economy, etc., but we’re more than ready financially; in most situations, we can still work it out.”
He’s very exhausted
Only after several heartfelt conversations did her husband finally open up about the real reason behind his decision.
According to the woman, he revealed that he grew up helping to care for his three siblings, all of whom had special needs, while his parents were busy working.
“He said that he grew up with 3 special siblings, if you get what I’m saying. He was their main caretaker too for so long, since his parents were busy with work. He loves them, but he’s also very exhausted. It’s to the point that for most of his life, he never really had any life but to take care of them,” she shared.
She also learned something he had never told her before. His siblings had all died in a car accident while travelling with their parents. He was not in the vehicle at the time.
“He told me all of these before, but not the part where his siblings are born with special needs.”
His family genes
According to the woman, her husband also told her there were several people with special needs on both sides of his family. Because of that, he has always been afraid that any children they have could inherit the condition.
“His deep fear is that what if our kids are in special needs.. He said it’s probably in his genes.”
“He said that it’s not my fault. It’s just that, as much as he loved his siblings before, it’s extremely exhausting, and he’s missing out on a lot of things in life. He yearns to live life like others.”
The woman said she completely understood where he was coming from, even though it broke her heart because she now wanted a child.
“I really want a child, but…I don’t want to be selfish either…He cried and apologised to me about his genes. He said that he really doesn’t want to risk it and that if I want to leave him, he’s going to respect that decision.”
Despite the painful conversation, the woman said she has no intention of ending the marriage.
“I love him. I know I won’t leave him. But I guess I won’t be changing his mind about having kids. I’ll respect his wishes.”
“It’s not that easy to sway the decision, speaking as a childfree person.”
The woman’s story drew mixed reactions, with commenters divided over who, if anyone, was at fault.
Some felt the husband should have been more forthcoming about his family history before they got married.
One commenter wrote, “He should not have kept it from you right from the start,” arguing that choosing not to have children and worrying about a possible genetic condition were “separate matters.”
They added, “He said he can understand if you leave now, but it’s not easy to find another partner if you have this marriage history. In a way, he has ruined you, too, with his special needs of not wanting to have children.”
Others, however, defended the husband, pointing out that he had always been honest about not wanting children and that it was the wife who had changed her mind years later.
One person questioned why she had suddenly developed the desire to have a child after agreeing to a child-free marriage.
“The more important question is why YOU suddenly want kids. Is it because everyone else around you is having one that’s why you ‘yearn’ for it suddenly?” they wrote.
“Have you always been undecided, and now that’s you’re more financially stable, so felt that you’re ready for it now or simply took his decision as your own? People who usually decide on being childfree have a specific lifestyle in mind, on top of reasons for not wanting kids. It’s not that easy to sway the decision, speaking as a childfree person.”
A few others suggested adoption as a possible middle ground.
“Maybe adopting can be a win-win? You can help a child from a third-world country,” one said.
“Adoption. If he’s afraid there might be special genetic markers in his DNA, can talk to him about adoption. There are many kids who need a home, and they don’t have one. Try fostering first,” another wrote. /TISG
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