Dear Coleen: My lover hasn't left his wife for me yet. What should I do?

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Dear Coleen

I'm a woman in my mid-30s and I've been seeing someone for the past year who is married. It's a really difficult situation because, when we met, he told me his marriage was over and he was about to leave his wife.

Then she got sick, so we had to put our plans on ice so he could care for her. It was the right decision for him to stay and I'm happy to wait for as long as it takes, but he told me recently he can't stand it at home any more and wants to leave now to be with me.

He says he resents being at his wife's beck and call, as they don't get on and she snaps at him all the time.

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He says she's ungrateful and treats him like a servant, but he's been hanging on out of guilt because he doesn't want to give her more stress when she's recuperating.

I've been clear with him there's no rush and that the priority is that his wife gets better. Our relationship has never been just about sex; we love each other and know we have a future together, so I feel totally secure.

I don't know what to do any more. My partner and his wife don't have children, so I don't have to worry about breaking up a family. But we live in quite a small community and it won't go down well when people find out about us. I'd welcome your opinion.

Coleen says

First of all, I hope your lover's wife gets better soon and that she has lots of supportive people around her because she's going to need them.

I'm concerned you feel so confident about this relationship with a man who's OK about cheating on his wife. His marriage might have been struggling when he met you, but having an affair isn't a good way to go about leaving a marriage.

If he can cheat on his wife and carry on cheating while she's sick, then who's to say he wouldn't do the same to you?

You can't control his choices, but you can decide what's right for you – and if you feel uncomfortable seeing him while his wife is ill and while he's yet to have a conversation with her about their marriage, then don't see him.

If you feel so secure in this relationship, then take control of the decision and tell him you want to put things on hold. If he loves you and is invested in a future with you, then he’ll be OK with it.

A word of warning: just be careful you're not an escape route from his marriage. You should also keep in mind that an affair isn't real life – it's a bit like a holiday romance and you might feel differently about things once it turns into a regular relationship.

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