Dear Coleen: I give my wife's ex secret cash for kids to feel less guilt

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Dear Coleen

Five years ago I met the woman of my dreams. Back then she was 33 and I was 27, and she was married (with two children) to someone I worked with at the time. Nevertheless, we had a torrid affair for three years and then two years ago she left her husband, relinquished custody of her children, got divorced and married me.

I don’t have buyer’s remorse. We are very happy together and I’ve become financially successful. My wife doesn’t have to work and spends her days taking tennis lessons, going to lunch with friends or doing anything she wishes.

Over the past two years she hasn’t mentioned her children, let alone made an effort to see them. She doesn’t think of them on their birthdays or at Christmas. It’s an issue that I feel uncomfortable discussing with her but, without her knowledge, I’ve been helping her ex-husband financially in order to pay for childcare.

He’s less successful than I am, but a decent person and a loving father. It’s not a financial burden to help him and it helps alleviate my guilt for breaking up a happy family.

I was abandoned by my parents when I was young and raised in foster homes, so I know what it’s like not to feel loved by a parent. The guilt I feel is a constant emotional burden for me. Obviously, my wife isn’t going to change her nature and I love her for who she is, not who I want her to be.

However, how do I get over the guilt my happy marriage has brought upon me?

Coleen says

You can’t alleviate guilt by throwing money at it, but I think it’s good you’re helping your wife’s ex to support their children. It doesn’t change what happened, though.

I don’t know the full details of your situation, but it’s shocking to me that anyone would abandon their children like this and it would change how I felt about them.

It’s one thing to leave a marriage and relinquish custody, but another to relinquish all parental responsibility and not see your kids or call them, or talk about them or miss them. If she can be this cold with her own children, then she could cut anyone out of her life, including you.

I think it would help you to tell her what you’re doing as I don’t think you’re comfortable keeping this secret. I get the feeling it’s important to you to try to make amends and build bridges with her ex and kids.

Explain to her that while you love her and you’re happy in the marriage, you know what it feels like to be abandoned because it happened to you. Be honest that you feel guilty that your relationship did that to her children and you want to help them.

If she can’t see the good in that, then I guess it’s up to you decide if you can stay with someone who has that attitude.

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