Why it’s perfectly okay to enjoy Christmas and New Year’s Day like any other day off and skip the festivities

Trying to meet social expectations of how the holidays should be celebrated can make us feel worse than if we simply embraced our personal preferences – whatever they may be.

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For many people, including myself, the year-end festivities are often replete with food and drink, and friend and family get-togethers. In the media industry, seasonal schmoozing is also an expected annual affair. 

But as much as I love to make merry, I prefer to be consistent with my mingling throughout the year than breathlessly cram numerous reunions into a month, only to exit the holiday season desperate for another holiday to recharge. 

Truthfully, my ideal Christmas and New Year’s Day would be spent doing what I’d do on any other public holiday – which is essentially a day off from work.

Sleep in. Run errands. Work out. Catch up on reading. Binge-watch TV shows or movies I’ve saved for a stretch of free time. Avoid the usual public holiday crowd in the usual public holiday attractions. And most important, have no fixed schedule.

Yet for all my self-assuredness any other time of the year, I've rarely managed to spend Christmas and New Year’s Day the way I secretly desire. I often caved in to peer pressure and FOMO to celebrate these occasions, convincing myself that painting the town red was the solution to holiday blues. 

No surprise: I sometimes felt lonelier with a packed calendar than I would having no plans.

EXTERNAL EXPECTATIONS

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for using the festivities to get together. But only when I want to, not when I believe I should.

“Aligning with conventional holiday practices” may seem like a way to mitigate feelings of isolation, as does engaging in “socially normative” activities, which can provide a “temporary sense of belonging or distraction from being alone”, the principal clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology also acknowledged.

Dr Annabelle Chow pointed out, however, that when opportunities for social connection are limited, our expectations of how we should be spending the holidays may “intensify feelings of loneliness by highlighting the gap between personal experiences and societal ideals”.

Heightened societal and cultural expectations around the festivities are amplified by social media’s tendency to create a false sense that everyone is having a magical time. It's easy to forget that the “right way” to celebrate the holidays is not about how it looks – but how it feels.

“The problem arises when we conflate connection with specific actions or events, such as a big family dinner or a party," explained Dr Ong Mianli, principal clinical psychologist at Lightfull Psychology. 

"We fall into the ‘expectation trap’; we start equating the form of connection with its value, which leads to unnecessary pressure if our reality doesn’t match our expectations.”

When connection is narrowly defined, it becomes conditional, Dr Ong added. "People may feel disappointed, alienated or less worthy if they can’t replicate an idealised version of togetherness … whether due to geography, finances, strained relationships or personal choice."

Some might even internalise these unmet expectations as “personal failures”, resulting in feelings of inadequacy, loneliness or resentment.

So, we may intellectually know that our friend's 30-second reel of a well-decorated home is a mere fraction of their life, but loneliness is rarely logical.

And while the obvious answer may be to take a social media detox during the holiday period, shutting out external factors that reinforce comparison culture is one thing.

INTERNALISED MEMORIES, BELIEFS

A more insidious, lesser discussed cause driving the belief that there is a “right way” to spend the holidays could be the fact we have actually celebrated prior holiday seasons with such fanfare.

Our memories and nostalgia can encourage us to “chase past experiences”, even if they’re “no longer feasible or fulfilling”, said Dr Ong. 

“We tie self-worth to whether we can keep up with others’ – and even our – holiday traditions, forgetting that genuine connection doesn’t need to be performative.”

Some people, particularly women, may also feel the pressure to align with internalised societal and familial expectations, and hence “take on a disproportionate share of planning and execution”. They may feel like they’re expected to host, entertain and decorate the house, in addition to juggling regular work and family responsibilities, noted Dr Chow.

“This imbalance (even if perceived) can lead to feelings of frustration and exhaustion, especially when these roles feel unfair or are misaligned with personal preferences or values, (which can) strain family dynamics.”

RESPECTING NORMS – AND OUR FEELINGS

Wanting to spend Christmas and New Year’s Day like a regular public holiday doesn’t have to mean going against the grain entirely, though. 

Suggest having the annual family get-together before or after Christmas, for instance, instead of on the date itself. Or make plans to combine Christmas and New Year’s Day celebrations into one day. 

Actively question societal expectations, advised Dr Ong. 

“We can be respectful to traditions and expectations while calmly creating our own. Who decided what the ‘right’ way is, and does that align with your values?” 

Besides, the reality is that people have family circumstances and financial means that completely differ from the picture perfect Instagram update.

For example, some lack close family ties or are grieving the loss of loved ones; others struggle with participating in costly holiday activities like gift exchanges or travelling overseas for a “white Christmas”, noted Dr Chow. 

Recognising this reality for others inadvertently helps us validate our own feelings. So, it’s okay to say no to plans or traditions that don’t resonate with us. You could say, “I’m keeping things simple this year”, she suggested.

“Politely declining invitations that feel like obligations rather than genuine enjoyment can protect our time and emotional energy … Setting these boundaries can help to avoid unnecessary stress and focus on what truly matters during the holiday season.”

Ultimately, there is no single fixed way that dictates how holidays should be celebrated, Dr Chow highlighted.

Each individual’s personalised way of marking the occasion is “just as valid as anyone else’s”. 

“Whether that means spending the day alone, engaging in a quiet activity, or celebrating with a few close loved ones, we should prioritise what makes us feel genuinely happy and fulfilled. Embracing our personal preferences allows us to experience the holiday in a way that feels authentic and meaningful," she said.

The “right way” to celebrate is “whatever leaves you feeling most at ease, even if it’s unconventional”, echoed Dr Ong.

“True connection doesn’t come from meeting expectations. It comes from honouring what makes us feel genuinely whole.”

And that goes both ways – whether you want to stay in or head out. The holiday blues are rarely caused by our reality, but that we don't realise (or can't accept) that we expected otherwise.

After all, loneliness isn't so much being disconnected from others as it is being disconnected from oneself.