As more couples delay parenthood, older parents and kids weigh joys and challenges of age gap
Statistics show that more women are giving birth at a later stage of life. This is thanks to in-vitro fertilisation technology, for example.
by Deborah Lau · CNA · JoinMs Yi Ling, 33, remembers a time as a youngster when she would try to avoid her father or run away whenever he fetched her from primary school.
The user-experience designer, who declined to give her full name, said that back then, her schoolmates often mistook her parents — aged 45 and 50 when they had her — for her grandparents, and constantly made fun of her over this.
She eventually grew out of this phase, but continued having a rather different experience growing up with her older parents, compared to her peers who had younger mums and dads.
“My parents did try their best to play with me when I was a kid,” she said.
“But by the time I got to secondary school, they weren’t going out with me already, or barely … maybe just to the market.”
Her father suffered a stroke when she was around 11 or 12 years old and retired shortly after that, though he continued to take on some work.
Today, she is a mother to two children aged nine and two years old.
“While I don’t depend on my parents to take care of my kids, it’s heartwarming to see my friends’ parents helping them out.”
She added that her children never got to meet her father, their grandfather, who died from old age before they were born.
And although her mother, who is now in her late 70s, had helped out a little with caring for her older son when he was younger, she is no longer able to do so due to her limited mobility.
Ms Yi Ling’s experience having a wide age gap with her parents are hardly rare.
Last weekend, CNA newscaster Glenda Chong, 51, broke the news in a CNA TODAY article that she and her husband are expecting a child early next year, after a decade-long in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) journey.
As congratulatory messages for the couple quickly poured in online, the announcement also reignited a debate around late-age parenthood.
Some online users acknowledged that older parents could have a more mature parenting style and greater stability in various aspects of their lives, thus allowing them to devote more time and resources to their children.
Others, however, voiced concerns about the long-term well-being of children born to older parents. They expressed worries that the child may feel compelled to take on caregiving for their older parents or to financially provide for their ageing parents at a much younger age than their peers.
Regardless of one’s views, annual reports published by the government point to the growing reality of delayed parenthood here, and show a clear trend of more mothers choosing to have children later in life.
The median age of first-time Singaporean mothers has risen year-on-year, based on data in the Population in Brief report released by the Prime Minister’s Office.
In 2013, the median age of first-time Singaporean mothers was 30.2 years old. It continued to inch up each year, climbing to a median age of 31.7 in 2023.
Statistics from the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority’s annual report on the registration of births and deaths also showed an upward trend in the number of Singaporean women aged 45 and above who give birth each year.
In 2014, 54 mothers aged 45 and above bore children. This had jumped to 84 mothers in 2019.
Last year, 117 Singaporean women aged 45 and above had children.
MAIN CONCERNS OF OLDER PARENTS AND THEIR CHILDREN
As more Singaporeans become parents at an older age, some of them who were interviewed by CNA TODAY said that raising children later in life can come with its own set of challenges.
They voiced concerns about their health and fitness levels possibly deteriorating as they age, while others were worried about not being around long enough to witness key milestones in their children’s lives.
Even if the older parents made efforts to keep active, fit and healthy, having naturally lower energy levels was still a challenge given their age, they said.
Mrs Michelle Bong Lejtenyi, 50, a marketing and communications professional, said: “It can be physically taxing at playgrounds or indoor play spaces, where James (her five-year-old son) runs around screaming, ‘Mama! Chase me, chase me!’ and I try my best not to break my back as I zoom after him.”
The mother of two boys had delivered her firstborn James when she was 45 years old. She delivered her second son, now 17 months old, last year.
Likewise, Ms Liu Ling Ling, a 61-year-old singer and actress, said that there was a time years ago when she was carrying her son and then her legs suddenly felt weak and almost gave way. After that, she rarely carries her son very far or for too long.
Finances are also a key consideration, with older parents saying that they try to set aside enough savings to support both their children and their own ageing needs.
Given their age and that their own parents are also getting older, these parents do find that they have a smaller pool of relatives to whom they may approach for caregiving help.
For some, friends their age may also have had children while they were younger, which means that they are at different life stages today — leaving them with a smaller parenting support network.
Mrs Lejtenyi said: “Raising kids at my age means my proverbial village does not include my parents who are in their late 70s or my extended family members. My tribe consists mostly of my sisters and friends.”
Later, she also got acquainted with parents who have similar-aged children at the playground near where the family lives.
As for children born to older parents, they worry as well about caregiving and their abilities to financially provide for their ageing parents while they themselves are still schooling or freshly establishing their career.
Others also mentioned generational gaps and differing interests as potential challenges given the wide age differences between themselves and their parents.
Some of them, like 24-year-old Megan (not her real name), said that having older parents has made her more risk-averse than her peers.
The final-year undergraduate — who agreed to speak to CNA TODAY on the condition of anonymity — is an only child. Her mother and father, who were 45 and 44 years old respectively when she was born, are almost 70 this year.
Megan said: “I feel that there are a lot of things I cannot do, especially if it involves being away from family for an extended period of time. My friends who have graduated all talk about taking gap years to travel, (or are) starting their careers overseas.”
She yearned to do all this as well, but felt duty-bound to take care of her ageing parents.
“I’m always worried ... what if something bad happens to my elderly parents while I’m thousands of miles away? Because of this, I feel like I can’t truly ‘live my life’ and make the most out of my 20s, (which is) supposedly the time when people have the most freedom and energy to pursue idealistic and risky dreams.”
She added that she also felt compelled to choose a higher-paying career that she does not necessarily enjoy, for the purpose of being better able to provide financially for her ageing parents’ healthcare needs.
Across the board, these adult children of older parents said that being confronted with the realities of their parents’ mortality at a much younger age is sobering.
THE UPSIDE OF BEING OLDER PARENTS
Older parents may lose some advantage in fitness and support, but those interviewed by CNA TODAY pointed to the silver lining of being more emotionally mature and financially stable now than when they were younger.
For Mrs Lejtenyi, being able to better provide for her children financially is one of the “biggest benefits” she has observed when it comes to having children later in life.
“I’m better placed financially now than, say, 10 or 15 years ago when I would have struggled to finance private preschool fees, language classes … or rugby and soccer sessions,” she said.
Another parent Tat Yuen, 64, who has 14-year-old twins, believes that with age, he has a better understanding of himself and the "benefit of perspective".
The freelance tech consultant and sales coach said that being more mature, he has greater clarity in decision-making and is also more emotionally available for his children.
Similarly, Ms Liu the singer believes that she is better equipped to love her son as an older parent. She might have been more concerned about her career as a young parent, but she is clear about her priorities today.
Reflecting on her own 15-year journey towards motherhood, Ms Liu said that this has made her all the more appreciative of her son and life stage today.
In terms of finances, children born to older parents told CNA TODAY that they generally had access to more resources and did not have to worry much about money growing up.
This is something 28-year-old engineer Daniel Bai has observed.
Mr Bai, whose father was 41 years old when he was born, told CNA TODAY that he finds he is blessed with more resources than his older brothers — now aged 39 and 36 — while they were children.
Beyond that, Megan the undergraduate said that watching her parents age also gave her a renewed perspective on life and the importance of cherishing their time together.
“I think … it gives me a perspective of how fragile life is, how little time we have to spend with our loved ones, and by extension, how meaningless it is to hold onto grudges over trivial arguments.”
When there are disagreements between herself and her parents, Megan said that she finds herself being able to more easily let them go and to just focus on cherishing the moments she has with her parents now.
STAYING PREPARED, MANAGING RISKS
Generally speaking, there may be perceived challenges that come with having older parents, but these differ on an individual basis. It ultimately depends on how their parents navigate and prime themselves for ageing.
Megan said of her experience: “For me, I feel that my parents, and specifically my father, can have quite a flippant attitude towards their health. He doesn’t take care of himself, stays up late, eats unhealthily and has to take a lot of medication.
“All this, compounded by the fact that they’re already quite old, makes me anxious about what to do if things go south soon.”
On this point, the parents who spoke to CNA TODAY said that because of their age, they actively take steps to manage the hurdles that come with being an older parent.
For one thing, they focus on being financially prepared and on staying fit and healthy, in a bid to extend the time they have with their children.
Mr Yuen the 64-year-old with teenage twins said that he works out between two and three times a week and also clocks around 15,000 steps daily.
He started ramping up his physical activities so that he could be fast and strong enough to break a fall, if needed. He also ensures that he has taken up insurance.
He tells his children that he takes care of himself because he does not wish to “be a burden” and he wants to “stick around for a long time” for them.
Mr Yuen holds fast to his philosophy of “managing risks”. For example, even though skiing was a hobby he enjoyed in his younger days, he has chosen not to keep up with it now that he is older.
Echoing these sentiments, Mrs Lejtenyi said: “Ken (her husband) and I pursued parenthood with our eyes wide open. We knew that if we were able to start a family, we would be middle-aged parents whose time with our kids would be finite.
“We also knew we would never retire, because the responsibility to leave the kids financially secure would be huge. But all this was worth the joy and life experiences parenthood brings.”
Outside of these considerations, the parents said they also work to strengthen their social and caregiving circles, and engage their children in open conversations about the realities of their situation.
While new parents may turn to their social circles for parenting advice, soon-to-be new mum Ms Chong from CNA told CNA TODAY on Friday that she is not too worried about having friends with children the same age.
“I’m not too worried... because I’m getting valuable lessons from friends who’ve already had kids. I learn valuable lessons from them and spare myself any trial and errors because of the advice I get from the ‘been there done that’ tribe.”
Ultimately, the parents recognise that they may naturally have less time with their children due to their age, and thus make it an utmost priority to spend as much quality time as possible with their children.
Mrs Lejtenyi said: “I remind myself that there is only so long that the boys will need me in the way they do now, so I try to say yes all the time. If I must get some work done at the weekend, I firmly set aside a few hours. And I make sure to put away my phone to really be present in the moment with them.”
Ms Chong said: “I know that age is irreversible, so I’ve been keeping myself healthy so that I will be around for as long as I possibly can for my child.
“With all the self care measures I’ve been doing I hope to give more of myself to the child. I want to make every minute count.”
PLANNING FOR BOTH AGEING AND CHILDREN'S NEEDS
With more people – like Ms Liu, Mrs Lejtenyi, and Mr Yuen – having children later in life, experts said it could be helpful for prospective older parents to plan ahead by preparing not only for their child’s needs but also for their own ageing.
This includes considerations such as maintaining their health, planning their finances, having a contingency plan such as building reliable extended social support networks, and ensuring open, age-appropriate communication with their children.
Dr Cheung Hoi Shan, an assistant professor from the department of psychology and child and human development department at the National Institute of Education in Nanyang Technological University (NTU), said: “Child-rearing is a physically and emotionally demanding endeavour, especially during infancy and early childhood.
“Parents may consider how their health and energy levels may affect their caregiving, and plan for additional childcare support where necessary.”
Parents looking to have children later would likely also have to consider delaying their retirement plans to be able to support their financially-dependent children, she added.
Building up strong support systems whom children can rely on outside of the immediate family will also be helpful.
Dr Tan Ern Ser, a sociologist at the National University of Singapore (NUS), said that cultivating such a reliable network – who can be counted on to “take over almost seamlessly” – would give children the assurance that there are people they know who can step in to play the role of parents should the need arise.
And while navigating parent-child conversations about late-age parenthood is necessary, experts also advise that parents engage their kids in an age-appropriate manner, as it may otherwise create unnecessary fear, insecurity, or anxiety in their children.
Ms Ng Siau Hwei, the head of psychology at the National University Hospital’s (NUH) paediatrics department, said that children at different ages understand death differently, and parents should be mindful of their child’s level of understanding of death, before speaking to them about the topic.
“If parents really have to broach the topic... it is important that both parents are on the same page about what to say and how to say it,” said Ms Ng, adding that they should also ensure that the message is appropriate to the child’s developmental stage and that it is shared at an uninterrupted time.
“It is important to reassure the child that they will always be cared for, who will be around to help out, and what plans have been made to ensure they are looked after. Reassure the child that it is alright to ask questions and to express their feelings.”
All things considered, the reality of late-age parenthood is not all grim.
Ms Sanaa Lundgren, a senior therapist at Incontact Counselling and Training, said that older parents are motivated to embark on the journey of parenthood as they don’t take conceiving children for granted.
“They may have also had the time to travel and fulfil their goals before becoming parents, which leaves little if no room to any lingering regrets of lost dreams due to parenthood,” said Ms Lundgren.
She added that they may also have a greater sense of self-acceptance and are thus accept their children for who they are.
Dr Tan from NUS said: “The fact is… there will be some older parents with younger kids who are like most parents, (or) even surpassing the norm in being able to care and provide well for their children.”
Agreeing, Mrs Lejtenyi said: “A parent at any age will tell you, raising a child is not easy. Your life revolves around their needs, and nearly everything takes a backseat. But that’s par for the course, you learn to adapt and evolve along with your kids.”
Calling her parenting journey “one of life’s most rewarding experiences”, Mrs Lejtenyi said she would readily “do this all over again”.
“Personally, I feel that I would be a different mum if I had kids while I was younger. While I would likely have higher energy levels, that is just one clear pro to several cons.”
Likewise, Mr Yuen said: “The number one question I asked myself (before having kids) was: ‘What am I willing to give up?’ I asked that to my wife as well, and after I was able to answer that question, it was not a difficult choice.”
“Many people say: ‘Oh, we want to do things that we can’t do when we have kids.’ And (to that) my answer is: ‘Can you imagine having kids and doing those things with kids?’ Would it be more even more fun? Is that possible? Yes, it’s possible.”
Megan, the undergraduate, said: “Overall I’m still grateful for what my parents have given me (though) I just wish I could have more time to spend with them.
“I feel kind of sad when I think about how they probably wouldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle or see their grandchildren.
“Right now I’m just trying my best, and spending more time with them as best as I can.”
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