When does a romantic relationship become unhealthily inward-looking?
Psychologists warn that when a romantic relationship becomes all-consuming, to the exclusion of other relationships and interests, it can be unhealthy and poor for mental health.
by Nicole Lam · CNA · JoinAfter her friend of 10 years got into her first relationship, Ms Tan noticed a change in her good friend's demeanour "quite quickly".
The friend stopped replying to messages in their chat group when they asked to meet and she also did not initiate anything.
"After this went on for months, eventually I stopped reaching out to her," Ms Tan added. The 26-year-old cyber analyst did not give her full name due to rules from her employer about speaking to the media.
Even though they remain friends, she noted that their relationship is "definitely more distant now".
"I try to be understanding since it's her first relationship and it's easy to get caught up in it, but it's also unhealthy to let a romantic relationship overshadow all other platonic relationships in your life," Ms Tan continued.
"I hope she eventually realises that. Until then, I try to meet her with more patience and understanding, although the reality does hurt to be ignored by your friend."
Being swept away by the euphoria of a new relationship is natural and often par for the course.
Still, I wondered how healthy it is to be completely enraptured by a new partnership such that one can lose one's individuality or even seemingly forgo other non-romantic relationships.
Experts who spoke with CNA TODAY agreed that it is "generally not healthy" for someone to define themselves primarily by their romantic relationship.
Ms Ooi Sze Jin, founder of counselling practice A Kind Place, said: "A well-rounded sense of self should include multiple aspects of identity such as personal interests, goals, friendships and values.
"Defining oneself solely through a relationship can be a sign of co-dependency, where one's sense of self-worth becomes overly reliant on the dynamics of the relationship."
WHEN YOU BECOME A "WE"
Ms Jeanice Chong, a clinical psychologist at Heartscape Psychology, said that when someone's self-worth is tied heavily to their relationship, "it can undermine the person's sense of competence, self-esteem, identity and independence".
"If our self-worth is contingent on our partner's approval, we may end up prioritising our partner's needs over ours.
"This may convey the message that our needs do not matter, resulting in difficulty maintaining our boundaries with our partners."
Agreeing, Ms Ooi said that defining oneself solely by a relationship can harm mental health because it can shift the focus of control away from oneself, leaving the person vulnerable to instability.
If the relationship is going well, one might feel validated, but if it faces challenges, the person can feel inadequate, anxious or even depressed.
Over time, such behaviour can erode one's confidence, strain friendships and limit one's ability to pursue personal goals or independence.
"It may also create a pattern of unhealthy behaviours such as excessive people-pleasing or avoiding conflict, which further affects the person's overall well-being," Ms Ooi added.
Ms Jasmine Ong, 33, recalled when her friend of 10 years also pulled a "vanishing act" after getting into a relationship.
"I always had to initiate conversations and after a while, it got extremely tiring," the senior writer of an online publication said.
Ms Theresa Pong, founding director of private practice The Relationship Room, said that when people define themselves primarily through their romantic relationships, their personal goals and identities may become intertwined with their partner's aspirations, potentially compromising personal ambitions.
"Over-identification" with a relationship role can limit exploring other aspects of one's identity, she added.
WHAT YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CAN DO
Approaching friends or loved ones who may have become overly immersed in a relationship to the exclusion of others can be "delicate", because this concern may be interpreted as jealousy or criticism.
Ms Ooi suggested approaching the topic with curiosity rather than judgment and asking gentle questions such as "How are you doing outside of your relationship?" or "What's been exciting for you lately?"
"It is also important to create a safe and supportive space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and needs," Ms Pong said.
She suggested that friends may invite the new couple to join their activities or connect the couple with groups that align with their passions and values.
Ms Pong said that phrases such as "I'm here for you if you want to talk" or "How are you feeling about your relationship lately?" could open the door to meaningful conversations without making the person feel judged or pressured.
And what do you do if you find yourself morphing into a singular unit in a relationship?
Experts agreed that the first step to asserting your self-identity is often being aware of this and recognising the need for change.
Ms Ooi suggested that you engage in activities that you used to enjoy before the relationship as another way to regain a sense of self.
This can be as simple as reading, exercising or trying a creative hobby. You may also spend time with friends and family without your partner, especially during moments when your partner is busy.
"These steps, if taken consistently, can help the person rebuild a sense of self that is independent of his or her relationship, fostering greater confidence and balance."
STILL STAYING YOU WHILE BEING A "WE"
Ms Pong said that it can be "easy" to lose yourself in a romantic relationship because of humans' innate need for connection and belonging.
"For many, the fear of rejection or the need for emotional security can lead to prioritising the relationship over their individuality. This can happen to anyone, especially if the relationship becomes their main source of self-worth."
She added that even people with "strong identities" can get "overly immersed" in romantic relationships, especially during emotional or stressful times.
"While it's normal to lean on a partner, it's important to be mindful and maintain personal interests and friendships to stay grounded in who you are."
The experts interviewed by CNA TODAY highlighted several red flags to watch for, including:
- Depending on a partner for every decision or a sense of self-worth and showing signs of separation anxiety when apart from the partner
- Spending almost all their time with their partner, and isolating themselves from friends or family
- Losing interest in hobbies
- Frequently talking only about their relationship, with little focus on other aspects of their life
- Constant feelings of anxiety or sadness tied to the relationship
Ms Ooi said that a strong and healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and balance, allowing both partners to maintain their individuality while sharing common interests.
For example, one partner might enjoy football while the other loves cycling. They may pursue these hobbies with their friends while sharing activities such as travelling or having meaningful discussions about shared values.
"There is a deliberate intent to complement and grow alongside each other, despite individual differences and conflict," Ms Chong from Heartscape Psychology said.
In these cases, defining oneself by a romantic relationship can be healthy, Ms Pong said, as long as both partners actively support each other's individuality and personal growth.
"Such balance is crucial in enhancing both personal fulfilment and relationship satisfaction."
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