5 Green Flags in Long-Term Relationships

5 signs that your relationship is still on the right track.

Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Green flags are positive signs in a relationship. People often focus on the negatives or "red flags," and sometimes that can be easier to do. For couples in long-term relationships, though, focusing on the positives can be a key to satisfaction, according to couples researcher John Gottman. Focusing more on positive interactions and the positive attributes of our partner can help keep us in a positive perspective and allows us to think positively about our relationship even in times of conflict. It also helps keep Gottman’s 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions needed to balance out our emotional bank account.

Couples tend to get into a rut and fall out of the practice of investing in their relationships when the newness wears off, but we must continue to put effort into spending time together and improving our communication and conflict skills. Following are some of the most common green flags for couples that have been together long term.

1. You listen to each other. Listening to understand instead of respond is a good sign in your relationship. Gottman’s research has found that accepting influence from each other is an important part of resolving conflict and maintaining good communication in long-term relationships. Especially during conflict, the ability to be open to a partner’s perspective and display curiosity shows that you don’t just put your own needs first. This is also an indication that you will be better at compromising. In order to find a fair compromise, both parties need to feel understood and know they have influence with their core needs being met. Couples that can practice putting their feelings aside when listening have much healthier communication.

2. You still have fun together. Most forms of couples therapy will discuss the need to continue to "date" your partner for the rest of your life. There is great value in having fun as a couple: It leads to stronger connection, builds positive interactions, and opens the door for romance. In Arthur Aron’s research, he found that the benefits of trying new and exciting ways to have fun together can lead to strengthened bonds. Having fun together often can also offset times of stress in a relationship. When you have more fun together it may feel easier to get through tough times.

3. You both share your appreciations out loud. Research by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough indicates that expressing gratitude can lead to increased relationship satisfaction and stability. Regularly telling your partner what you appreciate about them builds positive feelings and connection. It’s important to share which personal traits you appreciate, like their looks, how thoughtful they are, how funny they can be, or what a dedicated parent they are. It is equally important to express appreciation for specific tasks they do, like planning and cooking meals, doing the yardwork, bringing you a sweet treat, or handling the finances. When you share appreciations they should be specific and discuss examples instead of just a passing thank-you. Try to make it meaningful so your partner can really feel valued.

4. You support each other’s goals. Having shared goals as a couple is important but feeling like your partner supports your individual goals and dreams is an important green flag for relationship satisfaction. In Grainne Fitzsimons and Eli Finkel’s research on personal goals in relationships, it was found that those who feel supported and encouraged by their partner tend to feel more connected with that partner. When your partner supports your goals you're more likely to succeed in achieving them; it also aids in boosting confidence. When you feel comfortable sharing any goal, no matter how big or small it feels, that is a very good sign that your relationship is still doing well. If you told your partner today that you wanted to climb Mount Everest and they responded with encouragement you can let the green flag wave.

5. You are affectionate toward each other. Affection is crucial in relationships when fostering intimacy. Gottman has a concept of a “Six Second Kiss” and it leading to an opportunity for connection and intimacy, as kissing for six seconds increases the time to boost the good feelings we get from our partner as opposed to a quick passing peck on the lips. Kory Floyd’s research has found that affection, both verbal and nonverbal, has positive relationship effects: It strengthens well being and reduces stress. In another research study, it was found that affection plays a big role in creating a sense of mutual care and concern in relationships. Her studies show that affection fosters responsiveness to a partner’s needs which shows us that our partner cares for us.

Strengthen those green flags

Even if you haven’t recently hit every green flag listed here, you can still work on them to create a better relationship. Long-term relationships take work; we can't passively be in a relationship. We still have to be mindful of our interactions, our partner’s feelings and needs, our time together, and our affection. Long-term couples that remain successful prioritize making time for the relationship, supporting each partner, and doing things just for fun. If you feel like your relationship needs a refresher, couples therapy is always a great option.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.