Creating Your Own Closure: Let Go of Relationship Residue

Relationship closure doesn’t come from someone else. It comes from you.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• If we don’t address relationship residue, we end up carrying it into our next relationship.
• Often, we romanticize the past or blame ourselves for things that were out of our control.
• Radical acceptance isn’t about liking what happened; it’s about accepting it without resistance.

We’ve all been there. You end a relationship, and instead of feeling free, you feel stuck. You’re haunted by memories, what-ifs, and the weight of unresolved emotions. You tell yourself you need “closure,” but that elusive sense of finality doesn’t come.

So, what do you do? You replay the conversations, scroll through old photos, maybe even reach out to your ex—hoping that somehow, this time, you’ll get the closure you’re craving.

But here’s the thing: Closure doesn’t come from someone else. It comes from you.

In Break Up On Purpose, I talk a lot about relationship residue—the emotional baggage we carry after a breakup. It’s like sticky tar that follows us into the next phase of our lives unless we actively work to release it. If you don’t address that residue, you end up carrying it into your next relationship, repeating the same patterns, and expecting different results.

The truth is, waiting for someone else to give you closure is a losing game. If you want to truly move forward, you have to create that closure for yourself. Here’s how.

1. Acknowledge What’s Keeping You Stuck

Before you can let go, you have to get real with yourself. What’s keeping you attached to this past relationship? Is it unresolved anger, a fear of being alone, or maybe the loss of a future you imagined with that person? Whatever it is, you need to acknowledge it fully. Don’t sugarcoat it. Don’t tell yourself, I should be over this by now. There’s no timeline for healing.

Take out a journal and ask yourself, What exactly am I holding on to? Is it the person, or is it what they represented? Maybe it’s the comfort of being in a relationship or the fear of not finding someone else. Write down everything that’s keeping you stuck—no matter how irrational or messy it feels.

2. Rewrite the Story You’re Telling Yourself

We all have stories we tell ourselves about our past relationships. He was the love of my life. I’ll never find someone like her again. If only I’d done this differently, we’d still be together. These stories become a loop, playing over and over in our heads, keeping us trapped in the past.

Challenge the narrative. Ask yourself: Is this story true, or is it just my perception? Often, we romanticize the past or blame ourselves for things that were out of our control. It’s time to rewrite that story.

Instead of telling yourself, I’ll never find someone like them again, try saying, That relationship taught me valuable lessons, but it’s not the only love I’ll ever experience.

3. Practice Radical Acceptance

One of the hardest truths to swallow is that some relationships will end without the neat, tied-up closure you hoped for. And that’s OK. It doesn’t mean you failed, and it doesn’t mean you’ll never heal. What it does mean is that you need to practice radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance isn’t about liking what happened; it’s about accepting it without resistance. Sit with the reality that the relationship is over and that you may never get the answers or apologies you think you need. This acceptance creates the space for healing.

Ask yourself: What would my life look like if I accepted this fully? Imagine how much energy you’d free up for yourself if you weren’t holding on to the hope of closure from your ex.

4. Create a Closure Ritual

Sometimes, we need a physical way to let go. A closure ritual is a powerful way to symbolically release the relationship and move forward.

Create a small, personal ritual to signify the end of this chapter. This could be writing a letter to your ex (that you never send), where you pour out everything you’ve been holding inside. Or maybe it’s gathering up photos, gifts, or mementos and either donating them or putting them away. The goal is to create a tangible act of letting go.

A client of mine once wrote a letter to their ex, detailing everything they felt but knew they would never get to say. Then they buried it in a meaningful place—symbolizing their release from the past. The act itself was a powerful moment of closure, even though their ex never read the letter.

5. Shift the Focus Back to You

After a breakup, it’s easy to get caught up in what the other person is doing—who they’re dating, how they’re moving on. But the longer you focus on them, the longer you stay stuck. The best thing you can do is shift the focus back to yourself.

Ask yourself: What do I need right now? Whether it’s self-care, reconnecting with friends, or pursuing something that excites you, start pouring your energy into your own life.

Find your version of that. Focus on your growth, your healing, and what you want moving forward.

6. Surround Yourself With a Supportive Community

Healing is a deeply personal journey, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it all alone. Having a community of people who understand what you’re going through can make all the difference. In fact, one of the best ways to let go of relationship residue is to immerse yourself in a supportive environment where you feel seen and heard.

Closure isn’t something you wait for—it’s something you create. If you’re still holding on to relationship residue, it’s time to take ownership of your healing. Acknowledge what’s keeping you stuck, rewrite the story, and practice radical acceptance. And if you’re ready to take the next step, create a closure ritual that allows you to symbolically release the past.

Above all, remember this: Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means freeing yourself from the weight of what was so you can step into what’s next.