Share Your Sex-pectations for Better Intimacy

Six ways to talk about sex with your partner.

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Talking to your partner about your expectations around sex and intimacy can improve relationship satisfaction. In John Gottman’s research, he found that couples who communicated their expectations had higher relationship satisfaction outcomes. It can lead to less conflict and more intimacy. If you and your partner have different expectations it can lead to disappointment or even resentment if they aren’t discussed. Couples who discuss things like how they expect to navigate intimacy while caring for kids, celebrating anniversaries, or vacations can find out what their partner wants and needs to find a compromise about getting on the same page. (Merwin and Rosen 2019.) One study even found a correlation between communicating about sex leading to a higher frequency of sex as well as higher relationship satisfaction. (Roels and Janssen 2020.)

For example, if Jai* expects to have sex after a date night but his partner feels too tired after staying up late for a special event, the lack of communication could cause a conflict later. When Jai’s partner falls asleep while he is brushing his teeth he may feel hurt that his partner was not interested in intimacy. If Jai expressed a desire to connect after the date it could have allowed them to discuss being tired as a factor. They could have agreed to have intimacy beforehand or even modified the date so they could get enough sleep. If they hadn’t discussed it, Jai’s expression of hurt could lead to conflict. Criticism and defensiveness could add to this conflict pushing them further apart.

How can you initiate these discussions?

1. Talk about your expectations for sex in your relationship in general.

Some things to bring up are frequency, ways you enjoy sex, what makes you feel comfortable, what the goal of sex is for you, and contraceptives.

2. Discuss special events beforehand, especially if alone time is rare.

Talk about your expectations for date nights, anniversaries, and time away from the kids.

3. Seek out a therapist to work on your communication.

If you find it hard to breach the subject, a trained therapist can help you figure out why and provide some tips for improving your communication.

4. Write down some questions you would like to ask your partner.

Think about what you would like to know about how they experience intimacy with you.

5. Find a game or workbook on the subject.

There are apps or couples books that can help you discuss intimacy using prompts and ways to make it fun.

6. Give feedback after intimacy or missed opportunities.

When you find yourself noticing your expectations didn’t align make sure to talk about it.

Some general rules for discussing sex include finding a good time to talk. You want things to be distraction-free and private. Try talking when you are both calm and not in conflict. Use positive communication; express your feelings and what you need from your partner. Share appreciation and positive experiences and not just things you would like to be different. Make sure to take on a collaborative approach, you are a team and both perspectives are important.