How to Care Less Without Being Uncaring

Learning to care less about certain things can reduce anxiety and stress.

Reviewed by Davia Sills

Key points

• People can reduce stress by being intentional with what they care about and learning to healthily "care less."
• When a person cares too much, they steal time and energy from other important parts of their life.
• Intentional, directed, and prioritized attention can ensure that someone has capacity for their priorities.

Anxiety’s greatest trick is that it convinces us to care about and pay attention to everything, even things that, in the larger picture, do not necessarily matter. This can result in over-attention or fixation on things that are neither helpful nor relevant, which can lead to stress and burnout. When our attention is divided or stretched too thin, we lose sight of the true priorities of our lives. An individual who, for instance, fixates on anxious thoughts about his job steals that time and energy away from other important components of his life, such as family, relationships, leisure time, and intellectual pursuits.

Destigmatizing Caring Less

The first step in learning to care less is reducing the stigma associated with caring less. To be clear: It is not about not caring; it is about intentional, directed, and prioritized caring. If we blow with every wind, we are bound to be swept away and overwhelmed by the force of the gale. We will lose our footing and feel scattered and unrooted. So, the idea is to blow with some winds and to allow others to blow without having to do anything about them.

For example, I might care deeply about my immediate family and what is happening in a current family situation while caring slightly less about what is happening with a relative’s family. This does not mean that I do not care at all about the other situation but, rather, that I prioritize what is at the top of my list of what I care about and direct my time, energy, and attention accordingly.

Releasing Guilt

In the example above, a person may experience feelings of guilt about placing more attention on his own family’s situation and less on his relative’s situation. Releasing guilt is important in unlocking the power of intentionality with our attention.

This individual has not done a “bad thing” by prioritizing his attention in this manner. Guilt is often the belief that we have done something “bad,” so once we accept that we have not done anything negative or uncaring—rather, we have simply done what is right for us in our unique life situation—we can reduce feelings of guilt and allow ourselves to feel at peace with where we direct our attention.

Being Intentional

Once you realize that there is no stigma or reason for guilt attached to recalibrating your level of care, you can work towards creating intentionality for yourself. For example, a person might prioritize what they care about in this order:

1. Family, children, spouse
2. Job, finances, career advancement
3. Personal pursuits, hobbies, interests
4. Extended family, friends, peripheral relationships

This example is not to suggest that you need to be this regimented or mathematical about what you care about, but rather to illustrate that not everything in your life necessarily requires or deserves an equal amount of attention. Being intentional means recognizing that certain parts of your life deserve a different amount of energy than others do.

Assessing Your Capacity

We all have a finite capacity for emotional, physical, and intellectual stimuli. This means that our cup running over is not a good thing—in fact, too much in the vessel means we will be flooded. It is important to take an honest look at yourself and at your personal capacity.

I, for example, am a psychotherapist who meets with around 25 clients per week. I also have a family, personal interests and hobbies, and other relationships. All of these factors influence my personal capacity.

My honest assessment reminds me that after seeing clients all day, my capacity for further intellectual and emotional stimulation is somewhat limited. So, I need to be mindful and careful about how much energy I put into other things, as one of my priorities is my relationship with my family. In simple terms, I need to be careful about what I care too much about, or I run the risk of unwittingly deprioritizing parts of my life that are actually of the utmost importance to me.

Striking a Balance

Once you understand your own personal capacity, you can find the right balance between caring and caring less. When the winds of life blow, you are neither swept away nor ignorant of what is happening: You are simply intentional and directed about what really matters to you and what matters to you less.