Help! I Can't Make a Decision

Extremely high standards can make decision-making impossible.

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key points

• Chronic indecisiveness is based on dysfunctional thinking patterns and extreme self-doubt.
• Perfectionists often fear being punished for their choices.
• Learning to accept our limitations may help ease some of the burden of responsibility.

Indecisiveness is often based on black-and-white thinking, catastrophic thinking, personalizing, and extreme self-doubt.

The black-and-white thinking style, prevalent in the obsessive-compulsive personality, is marked by its rigidity and certitude, an extreme sense of right and wrong. Thus, the individual searches for clarity, the lack of which perpetually haunts him. To him, it isn't that certainty doesn't exist; it's more so that, at times, he isn't smart enough to cultivate it, thus needing aid. Additionally, chronic indecisiveness entails the extreme fear of punishment and rebuke by a superior other who bludgeons the perfectionist with morals.

With perfectionism, praise brings less joy and more relief. It isn’t so much that the perfectionist is ever really happy; momentarily, they feel safe from judgment, the freedom of which is the main purpose of the personality style. Happiness can't be trusted. Some resort to punishing themselves as a means of evading censure by fostering sympathy. If you can show a parent that you're so sorry that you hate yourself, they may take pity on you and leave you be. Those who struggle with decisions often don't know what they want, spending most of their time attempting to discover what they should.

Generally, most lean into their preferences, searching for reasons to justify decisions based on them. While this isn't logical, it's the norm and usually harmless. The perfectionist, however, is always asking herself and others: What should I want? And as often as indecisiveness, the fear of making the wrong decision, when coupled with the dread of stagnation (which is associated with the shame of laziness), may create the opposite effect: an impulsive choice. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams writes: "The compulsive person's rush to action has the same relationship to autonomy as the obsessive person's avoidance of action. Instrumental thinking and expressive feeling are both circumvented lest the person notice that he or she is actually making a choice. Both obsessive and compulsive people may be so saturated with irrational guilt and or shame that they cannot absorb any more of these feelings."

Taking limitations personally
People often say: "I worry that making the wrong choice is going to cause me to hate myself." Again, we return to personalizing. "I should have known better." When making decisions, people need to be reminded, and truly believe, that while choices do change the course of our lives (to some extent), that doesn't necessarily mean that those courses affect our overall moods, or life satisfaction, in meaningful ways. Perfectionists, many of whom grew up in punitive homes, may learn how morality masked sadism, that a parent was vigilantly searching for reasons to explode and devalue them, even if the quest was more unconscious. They may also come to realize that they aren't that important, so their choices likely aren't either.

Finally, they may learn that self-hate isn't inevitable, even if their reasoning is flawed. Perfectionists often take their limitations personally, believing they should know more than the average person, for whom a stigma is attached. The deeper work entails exploring a fundamental value, asking: Is it okay for me to be ordinary? What are the trade-offs? Ordinary people are allowed to say no when they don't like something. They're allowed to take an afternoon off of work. Ordinary individuals aren't expected to always carry others' burdens, nor provide a never-ending stream of advice. Ordinary people are loved, even though they often don't lead. Ordinary people are allowed to experience the plethora of their negative feelings, not always needing to suppress them for others' comfort. And ordinary people can be great, just not in everything.

When indecisiveness creeps in, consider whether any of these thinking styles and otherworldly expectations apply to you. Also, consider how many people live up to them and if your own role models even did. And if you want to do a really deep dive: Consider who among us is actually extraordinary. The most important aspect of all of this, however, is exposure. You'll need to experiment with any new beliefs, and consider questions such as, "Did that decision make me much happier or sadder? Was I chastised for it? Did anyone even really care? Am I safe even when I make bad choices?" A life devoid of criticism is obviously impossible, as most utopian visions go. But utopias aren't the only routes to love and security.