Managing Transitions After Challenging Life Events

Five strategies to cope with feeling out of control.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Have you experienced a recent life change or challenge? You might have experienced a life event that feels surprising and out of your control, leading to unexpected disappointment or feeling unmoored. Or, you could be experiencing a phase of life change such as empty nesting, friendship changes, or downsizing. In the days and weeks that follow times like these, we may experience emotional turmoil and/or disconnection. Life doesn’t look or feel the way it did before.

Managing certain transitions is hard and troubling for everyone. Yet, life is always in a state of change. Sometimes it feels more stable than others, sometimes more transitory. Change is hard because it reminds us of our lack of control. The external locus of control, as pointed out by therapists at numerous Marble Wellness locations across the country, causes disorientation, grief, anxiety, uncertainty and fear of the unknown. This leads minimally to emotional discomfort and maximally to feelings of anxiety and/or depression. There are ways to strengthen your ability to cope with the emotions that arise during these times.

Here are 5 tips to help you manage during transitions:

1. Be Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

None of us like discomfort, but the ability to sit with our discomfort is important. Whether it’s during a time of change or at any other time in our lives, being able to hold space for discomfort builds resilience. Feelings of discomfort don’t last forever. They come and go like clouds in the sky. Expect to feel uncomfortable, but know it will pass. Will it come again? Yes, but it will pass again as well. You can handle it for the duration it lasts. Here are some distracting activities people find helpful while waiting for their discomfort to pass: journaling, baking/cooking, gardening, coloring, and organizing closets and drawers! Take comfort in knowing that any discomfort you feel will not consume you.

2. Accept Change

When we’re in a transitional phase in our lives, we engage in what Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying calls the bargaining phase of the grieving process. During this phase, we try to figure out if there’s a way to go back to how it used to be, so we don’t have to deal with the upcoming challenge. Use self-talk to remind yourself that there is no way forward but through. Bargaining is only going to prolong the process. Transition is inevitable. The next step is how to find a way to accept that this is going to be the next phase of your life. What steps are you going to take to make yourself feel the change is less scary and more tolerable? A support system can help with this, as I suggest next.

3. Have a Strong Support System

One way to make a transition less stressful is to talk about it. Surround yourself with people who can hold space for the anxiety you’re feeling and don’t try to tamp it down. Being able to express your feelings is important. People in your support system should be able to listen and validate your feelings. A strong support system will also help you move through your strong emotions and then distract you when you’re ready. As I mentioned before, feelings will come and go and these people should be available as you need them when you become awash in transitional emotional turmoil again.

4. Self-Care

When we are preoccupied by something stressful, it is easy to forget to take care of ourselves. That can mean we stop moving our bodies, don’t eat, and stop healthy sleep hygiene. Unfortunately, all of those things are what help bolster the body's resources to handle stress. When you put it at a disadvantage by physically weakening it, you are creating a situation where it will be even harder to manage the transitions emotionally. Be mindful of how you are caring for yourself. The better you care for yourself physically, the better you will be able to move through the changes in your life effectively.

5. Technology

For some life transitions, technology can be a harmful tool creating more stress. In some situations, what we see or read on a screen romanticizes the experience of some people, creating experiences of frustration and anger. During other life transitions, it can create feelings of fear resulting in anxiety or sadness. If this is the case, limiting technology usage in the form of internet searches, social media usage, etc. is important. You can do this by putting parental controls on your phone and timing yourself out on apps. You can delete certain apps from your phone until you have successfully transitioned, and/or you can set other intentional guidelines for yourself regarding technology usage and stick to them. Potentially agitating influences of any kind are not helpful when you’re trying to return to homeostasis.

Transitions are hard for everyone, even though we grow up hearing that transitions are only difficult for some people. This makes it seem as if some people are experts at transitioning. None of us are immune to the challenges of change at some point. For that reason, be kind to yourself, be mindful, and use some strategies to help you move through whatever you’re feeling and get to the other side.