The Gift of Grief for Christmas

Personal Perspective: Allow yourself to feel your loss to achieve healing.

Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Every year since my mom died, I set aside time to listen to Joni Mitchell's song “River” and to have a good cry. The first four lines resonate with me around this time of year because my mom loved Christmas, and she celebrated big. You're probably familiar with the song, but if not, it goes:

It's coming on Christmas.
They're cutting down trees.
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace,
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on.

I cry every time I listen to it, and somehow, when the song is over, I feel a weight has been lifted.

I always miss my mom, and there are many other times during the year when I think of her. Sometimes, I see a flower in springtime and spontaneously burst into tears. Or I remember something she told me, and I have a little cry.

But Christmas without her is harder, and the first couple of Christmases after she was gone were almost unbearable. Even though I have a loving husband, many close friends, and a wonderful life, it still felt hard. There are many things I do to manage my grief, including praying, looking at photographs, thinking of funny things she used to say, talking about her to people I know and people I don't know, and keeping her celebration of Christmas alive as best I can.

But because this time of year is different, because the memories of her come flooding back, and the reality of her being gone for all my remaining Christmases hurts so deeply, I make sure to take extra care of myself. I don't try to stop the tears, though. In fact, one of the best ways that I take care of myself during this season is to allow myself to cry and make sure that I give myself opportunities to do so.

When I was a child, my parents told me not to cry sometimes. I wasn't punished, and they didn't get upset with me when I cried. They loved me, and they didn't want to see me hurt. In our culture, then and today, crying is sometimes thought of as a sign of weakness, unhappiness, or depression.

It is true that people who are suffering from depression may cry often. It's also true that many people shed tears of unhappiness. But crying isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of self-awareness.

We have legs that are used to walk, we have ears for hearing and eyes to see, and we have tear ducts. Those are used for crying. Shedding tears is important for healing. Grieving loss through tears is an acknowledgment that the person's life meant something and that they meant something to us. Crying over someone's loss reminds us that they are missing and that they matter.

People have told me that they feel guilty when they cry during the holidays because it is supposed to be a time of joy. It still can be joyful. Being joyful doesn't mean that you're happy or laughing at every moment. Shedding some tears over absent loved ones may help you experience greater joy.

Our human brain is complex enough to be able to have moments of joy and moments of pain or grief simultaneously. Decorating the tree or laughing with friends at a Christmas party can happen moments before we shed tears over a sudden memory of someone we lost that was evoked. We can also take time out while wrapping presents or addressing Christmas cards to listen to a song, look at a photograph, or simply gaze out the window and let a few tears fall.

This holiday season, remember that giving yourself permission to acknowledge your grief and shed a few tears does not mean that you are ungrateful for those who are still with you. It does not mean that you are unhappy, depressed, or joyless. Be honest with yourself when grief shows up at your holiday party, and invite it to be present with peace, joy, and love.