The Surgeon General's Advisory on Parental Stress

Practical tips for the longstanding and considerable stress that parents suffer.

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key points

• Parental stress is highly associated with anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
• Parents are worried about financial pressures, and the mental health and safety of their kids.
• Parental stress can be significantly reduced by daily activities that promote self-care.

Co-Authored by Eugene Beresin and Charles Spenser Egnatz

In the recent advisory, Parents Under Pressure, the US Surgeon General noted that parents are more stressed, burned out, and lonely than ever. The alarming statistics are not all that different than his advisories on the Youth Mental Health and Loneliness Epidemics that have been escalating since the late 1970s.

The deeply worrisome news is that a parallel process between increased rates of mental health challenges including depression, anxiety, stress, and in particular, loneliness, in both young people and their parents. Regarding loneliness, 41 percent of parents report that most days they are so stressed they cannot function, and 48 percent say that the stress is completely overwhelming on most days. In line with Gen Z reporting, about two-thirds of parents and guardians, and 77 percent of single parents experience isolation and loneliness.

The bottom line: We’re all stressed to the max. The Surgeon General indicated what can be done by national, state, and local governments, employers, community organizations and schools, social service systems, professionals, researchers, and family and friends.

What Parents and Caregivers Can Do

The Role of Parents: As parents, our main job is to care for our children, teenagers, and young adults. We worry about their well-being, and academic, social, emotional, and behavioral health. We worry about their physical health and overall happiness.

But as adults, we have our own worries and stresses on top of these. At this juncture in our country, we are stressed about the economic downturn and financial instability; return-to-work mandates (or even if not mandated, how to get our jobs done with kids’ demands and needs at home); childcare and daycare shortages; political unrest and serious concerns about recent Supreme Court decisions; the safety of our kids, including gun violence, mass shootings; the risks of digital media; scheduling nightmares (after all, both kids and adults are currently over-scheduled), and more.

Burnout: The pressures and stresses on parents, can lead to burnout. Burnout is defined as emotional exhaustion, worthlessness, detachment, and feelings of isolation—because we can’t accomplish all we believe we need to. It results in:

• Poor self-care
• Poor childcare
• Diminished empathy
• Impaired parental decision-making
• Poor physical health

The Critical Role of Resilience and Self-Care: Building resilience is key to preventing and managing burnout. Resilience is not a trait we are born with, but a skill we learn over time. It is a double-edged sword—on the one hand, it prevents adversity, stress, and dysfunction. On the other hand, it provides ways of coping with hard times. The two key components needed for building resilience are engagement and self-awareness. Engagement involves maintaining supportive relationships with partners, family, friends, community, and spiritual leaders. Awareness is the process of attending to your emotional, social, and physical needs, and what you need to maintain your integrity to help yourself and others. It also involves attention to the consequences of your behavior.

The key to resilience is learning to incorporate Self-Care in your life.

It is much like when the flight attendant says, “If the pressure drops, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help the person next to you.” This could not be more important and true for parents.

Without self-care, we cannot help our kids and balance this with the many other obligations we have in life—caring for a partner, aging parents, pets, maintaining excellence at work, staying involved in one’s spiritual community, and more. Moreover, we cannot help them if we are significantly worried and stressed about the state of our nation and world.

When self-care drops, optimal functioning diminishes.

Tips for Parental Self-Care: First, your self-care toolbox can contain a range of things. They will not work for everyone, so consider which ones work for you, and build them into your daily and weekly schedules. Not practicing self-care can affect your emotional, family, recreational, and work life negatively. Practice improves your self-care skills, if you cannot do something you want to do for yourself, let it go. There will be other times to practice. It is common to feel guilty, blameworthy, and put yourself down—which adds to the stress in your life if you make self-care another one of your essential activities.

Here are some tips:

1. Carve Out Your Time: This may be hard to do with so many duties and worries. But whether it is putting aside 20 minutes before bed to read, relax, listening to a few tunes, you can do this.
2. Practice Meditation, Yoga, Regular Exercise, and Get Adequate Sleep
3. Turn Off Smart Phones and Media (at least for part of the day)
4. Set Priorities: As parents, we can’t do everything. Set priorities within obligations. Usually, priorities will involve the kids and other family members first, and then choose one or two that are important to you, such as work, or whether it’s weeding and watering the garden or getting out to see a show.
5. Choose Fun Things to Do in Advance: How often have you heard your teen say, “I’m bored,” before reaching for their phone? It can be tough to come up with ideas on the spot; try and create a list of unplugged activities your teen might enjoy in advance.
6. Spend Time with Family and Friends: Humans are pack animals and need each other. They keep us connected and supported and help us defeat stress and anxiety.
7. Find Folks to Take Care of You: As parents, we are the consummate caretakers. It’s what we do. But, to quote Bill Withers, “We all need someone we can lean on.” Who in your life cares for you? Who do you trust to nurture you—to give you advice, sympathy, listen to you, or comfort you during a rough spell? This may be one person, or different people for different challenges.
8. Get Out of the House
9. See Your Doctors Regularly
10. Stay Organized: We feel stress when chores at home and work are in disarray. Consider enlisting the entire family to share in chores, cooking, and other household duties.
11. Use the Arts for Creative Expression: Choose a creative outlet to convey your thoughts and feelings. This could be journaling, writing poetry, painting, drawing, doing photography, dancing, or playing music. Creative personal expression may be done alone, or with others in a group. There is considerable data to show that the arts are helpful in reducing stress and anxiety.
12. Join a Support Group
13. Play with a Pet
14. Appreciate Nature
15. Do Something for Someone Else. Make a contribution: Our brains are wired for giving. In fact, the chemicals released by the brain during the process of giving are far more rewarding than when we receive gifts. Join small local efforts including community centers, soup kitchens, geriatric life centers, children’s hospitals, or providing a meal for a neighbor in trouble. These foster the feeling (and reality) that you are affecting another’s life positively.
16. Seek Professional Help: If your level of burnout and stress is excessive, it is always useful to ask your primary care physician for a mental health evaluation.

A version of this also appears on the MGH Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds in Self-care Tips for Parents.