Weaving the Past Into the Present for a Healthy Relationship

This crucial communication skill will help prevent issues from going unresolved.

Reviewed by Davia Sills

Key points

• Are two people who were just fighting moments before able to morph into people who are now just fine?
• An unresolved, damaging interaction predicts that the issues in a relationship will stay unresolved.
• Weaving is a vital communication skill that will ensure continuity in your relationship.

I have often observed a couple in an angry dispute, leaving the session understandably withdrawn and disconnected. I would expect them to stay that way until they worked it through, but something astonishing happens instead.

Walking down the stairs to their cars, I hear them talking to each other. Their exchange goes something like this:

Mary: "Oh, can you pick up Jeremy from school today? I have an important meeting, and it might run a little late. I'll pick you up a latte on my way home."

Joe: "Sure. I have time. Hope your meeting goes well."

Did the dysfunctional interaction I just witnessed simply dissolve? Are the partners now suddenly OK with each other? Are the two people who went at each other just moments before morphing into people who are now just fine? What's going on?

There is a crucial step between the before and the now that this couple skipped over. I call that step weaving. It ensures continuity in communication. Ignoring or pretending that a damaging interaction from the past doesn't affect the present often predicts that the damaging issues in the relationship will go unresolved.

What causes a couple to act in such a disjointed way, destroying the continuity that relationships rely upon to grow and transform? Do they fear that bringing what recently happened into the present will only make it worse? Are they relying on known rituals to divert from the rawness in the room? Or are they simply feeling too sad, guilty, or angry to bring it up at all, hoping that leaving it in the past will be a better choice?

In my work with couples for over four decades, I have found that, much of the time, partners don't practice weaving because they don't realize how important it is to make their communication more successful. However, when they understand how important it is, they are eager to master it.

Below are seven steps that can teach couples how to master the art of "weaving."

1. Compare Relationship-Weaving Behavior to the Way You Are Different in Other Relationships

Share with one another how you avoid weaving in relationships outside of each other. Give examples where you've been frustrated when other people have not woven with you.

Tim: "I know where my mom is going when she starts her martyr routine with me. She'll corner me with guilt, saying what a bad son I am. I get angry and walk out. Then she calls me an hour later and tells me she loves me. I just can't deal with the way she pretends like nothing happened."

Cory: "I hope you won't do that with me. I never want to just let things go if they're unresolved between us. It's more important for us to face what we're really feeling and deal with it than to pretend it didn't happen."

2. Talk About What Your Barriers Are to Weaving a Negative Experience

Tell each other where your concerns are when you think of opening up a past negative issue instead of ignoring it. Be sure you aren't making assumptions about your partner that inhibit you from taking those steps. What do they need from you in your delivery that might help them hear you more easily?

Maureen: "Since I know how angry you were with me last night, I assumed you didn't want anything to do with me, so I pretended it didn't happen and hoped you would be nice. Of course, I silently wished you would say that you're sorry and give me a hug or at least tell me that it was hard for you, too."

3. Time Will Anchor You if Weaving Can't Happen Right Away

If you have had a bad experience, you may both need time to calm down or feel the need for the right time and place to be effective. It's a good idea to postpone weaving to give it the best chance to work, but only if you both agree on a time in the near future to process what happened in a healthy way.

Cary: "That was a rough go last night. We both said some things we probably regret, and we need to talk about it. I'm very upset right now, so I wouldn't be any good at it, but I want to talk about it tonight."

Beth: "Thanks so much for the anchor. I can wait; just knowing you want to resolve it helps me."

4. Examine Your Patterns Together

Without judgment or condemnation, openly seek to understand how your partner developed their weaving patterns and whether either of you is unconsciously projecting those earlier experiences onto the other.

5. Debrief and Create a Better Pattern for the Future

Debriefing is the antidote to rehashing. Go back in time. Ask each other what each of you could have done differently during the negative interaction that could have resulted in a new commitment to do differently in the future. Re-state your new plan the next time you communicate, and thank each other for the offer of a new and better pattern.

Carol: "I really want us to stop these painful interactions. Can we both talk about what we could have done differently last night to stop that terrible downward spiral we fall into?"

6. Practice With Your Partner When There Isn't Any Controversy

You can practice both positive and negative weaving at any time by sharing with each other how a recent behavior from the past is affecting the way you feel about each other in the present before you erase it. Use small examples that are not controversial and work them out together until you both feel calmer and more hopeful.

7. Give and Accept Feedback

If either one of you accidentally "slips" and regresses to old behaviors, give each other permission to catch it in the moment. Never put the other partner down when they become aware of a discontinuity in your communication at these crucial times.