Using Theory of Mind to Enhance Connection

Three simple words can help us communicate that we respect and value others.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Everyone wants the same thing: to feel valued by another person.
• We can use theory of mind to remind someone of their value.
• The more someone shares, the deeper your insights into who they are and why they do what they do.

Theory of mind[1] is not like a theory of quantum mechanics or a theory of evolution. Theory of mind describes the fact that we cannot see someone else’s mind, so we have to guess, to theorize, what they are thinking or feeling.

Theory of mind is the root of empathy.

We use this system of inferences to try and predict the behavior of someone else. In particular, we use our theory of mind to assess others' intentions, knowledge, and beliefs, and whether they are telling the truth or not: in essence, what they are thinking.

But this perspective-taking is actually the second part of theory of mind to develop.

The first part is, what are you thinking about me?

My first glance at theory of mind came before I had even heard of the idea. I had just finished medical school and was about to begin my psychiatry training at the University of Connecticut’s Institute of Living. My wife, Carol, and I were driving from Cincinnati to Hartford, Connecticut, in a rented U-Haul truck. Our 14-month-old daughter, Sophie, sat between us in her car seat. The drive was about 14 hours, and to keep Sophie entertained we let her eat lollipops.

Carol will dispute the number, saying it was only one, but after the fifth lollipop, we were still not out of Ohio. Concerned about our daughter’s dental hygiene, I said to Sophie, “No more lollipops.”

Sophie paused.

She looked at me.

She turned and looked at her mother.

She then faced forward, took a lollipop, unwrapped it, covered her eyes with her left hand, and, with her right, put the lollipop in her mouth.

Carol and I were stunned. What was Sophie thinking? She was sitting right between us. I mean, right between us in her car seat, 14 months old, traveling to Hartford, Connecticut.

And then it hit us.

Sophie thought that if she could not see us, then we could not see her. She continued to savor and enjoy her lollipop, hand covering her eyes. At 14 months, she hadn’t yet developed theory of mind, the capacity to appreciate someone else’s perspective. Sophie kept eating her candy.

It wasn’t until years later that I recognized the significance of this event. Those of us working in the field of psychiatry and neuroscience have learned that most children progress gradually toward the developmental milestone called theory of mind, or ToM. The vast majority of people develop this capacity between the ages of 18 months and 5 years. Once it has developed, we use it all the time, so fluidly and naturally that it just “happens.”

But if perspective-taking is actually the second part of ToM to develop, why would the first part—What are you thinking about me?—emerge almost at birth?

Evolutionarily, it makes a lot of sense.

Millions of years ago, it was much more important to know if someone was looking at me as their lunch than to know if they were hungry. The first part is How do you see me? Am I safe? Do you see me as valuable? The second part is How are you feeling? ToM had to develop synchronistically with our evolution as a social animal.

Sophie was demonstrating the first part of ToM as young as 14 months, and probably long before that. Sophie, at 14 months, could not take our perspective, but she knew we had a perspective of her. And her Mom and I had to disappear so she could eat her lollipop.

In essence, we use theory of mind to determine if someone else sees us as valuable, something that every single person on the planet wants to know. I have to be seen by you as valuable or I could be lunch. We all want the same thing.

We can use theory of mind to immediately communicate to someone else that we respect and value them, and that will lead to trust.

When somebody’s talking with you (notice, I say with you not to you. "To" you implies it’s a one-way, uni-directional conversation. I want to talk with people not just to them) and they are telling you about an experience or how they feel, say to them, “Tell me more.”

As soon as you say "tell me more," you communicate first that you’re listening, which means you are respecting and valuing them. Respect leads to value, and value leads to trust.

When they trust you, and you ask them to, they can tell you more of their story. The more of their story you hear, the more you understand who they are. why they do what they do, and their perspective on the world. Every time you remind someone of their value, you increase your own value. And we all want to feel valuable.

To my readers, feel free to write any comments you have about these blogs in the chat.

Please, tell me more.