Ever Shy Away From Joy?

Why joy can be hard for women, and how to embrace it.

Reviewed by Tyler Woods

Key points

• Many women find themselves reigning in big emotions, even positive ones like joy.
• This is the result of messages we internalize from the culture around us telling us to stay small.
• A feminist psychologist offers three steps to take to help you release the stories that hold you back.

Recently, I decided to pull the trigger on a lifelong dream to own a convertible, and as I expected, I love it! As one of my daughter’s said, “riding in this car literally creates dopamine.” She’s right. This choice is not practical, it’s not necessary, and it doesn’t feel modest…but it sure is fun!

What I didn’t expect was my own complex emotional response to allowing myself to live so joyfully, particularly in such a public way. As I drove around town in my new happy-mobile feeling exuberant and alive, I also felt…well…embarrassed. I felt like maybe I wasn’t supposed to let myself value joy over practicality, like maybe it revealed some sort of moral failing on my part. Or maybe it would be perceived as some form of arrogance, or make others feel envious or sad, in comparison. I joked self-deprecatingly to friends about “my mid-life crisis car,” as if couching it in a negative experience rather than a positive one made it somehow safer or more respectable.

I know that I am not alone. As a therapist, I work every day with women who have internalized the message that we should not shine too brightly, take up too much space, or garner too much attention. The stench of our culture’s “Who does she think she is?” admonition hangs heavy in the air we breathe. We are taught that our role is generally that of a supporting character—there to serve the needs and happiness of others, which makes the pursuit of our own happiness a suspect cause. The role of supporting characters, after all, is to be in the background while the emotional life of the main character takes center stage. For many women, this internalized message takes the form of emotional suppression, quieting feelings such as anger, pride, and, yes, even joy.

Somewhere deep in the invisible fibers of our womanhood we have heard that we are better off and better for others if we reign it in. That shining might mean outshining. That glowing might mean making ourselves a target in a world opposed to our light.

The process by which we come to believe this, and the shame, embarrassment, and self-critique we feel when we try not to believe it, is called internalized sexism. These internalized messages impact a woman’s sense of herself in the world in ways that feel deeply personal and deeply private, but are simultaneously cultural and political. When we recognize this, we can begin to let go of the messages that don’t align with our conscious values.

Here are three steps you can take to help you shed the story that tells you to stay small, and step into your own full main character energy:

1. Don’t blame yourself. One of the traps of internalized sexism is believing that we, the women suffering the results, are actually the problem. Women often come to therapy saying, “I am so uncomfortable with my body. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just love myself more?” Or, “I am so tired of working so hard to make sure everyone likes me. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be more confident?” The problem is, this self-blame is actually just a continuation of sexism. It points to you, the woman, as the source of the problem, and as long as you are spending your time trying to change yourself, you’ll keep your powerful paws off the powers that be…and that’s how the system maintains its status quo. Practice seeing these “problems” as not just personal, but also political. Practice bringing compassion to yourself for having withstood sexism, and internalized sexism, and for bearing the burden of this. And then point the finger where it belongs—to the external, political forces that need to change.

2. Call out the “rule” you are trying to follow. It is not always easy to stop seeing ourselves as the problem, and to recognize the role external factors play in our internal experiences. Here’s a tool to help get you started. Any time you are judging or criticizing yourself, identify, with clarity and specificity, the cultural rule you are judging yourself for breaking. For example, when I judge my own joy, it is because I fear breaking the rule that says to “stay small” and not garner attention. When we are working hard to be liked, it is because we fear breaking the rule that says our worth depends on pleasing others. When we feel ashamed of our bodies, we fear we are breaking the rule that says our bodies are supposed to be a certain size and shape in order to be approvable. By calling out the rule at play, we can help ourselves externalize what has been internalized.

3. Make your own rules. Once you have identified the rule you are trying to follow, assess for yourself whether it is a rule you believe in. Deep in your core, do you believe that in order to be compassionate, you have to restrict your own emotional breadth and depth? Deep in your core, do you believe your body is only worthy of love, respect, pleasure, and the space it occupies if it looks a certain way that has been arbitrarily identified as “the best?” When you find yourself experiencing distress because you are failing to live up to a rule you don’t believe in, write a new one. Write a rule that feels aligned and true. For example, “I will let myself feel and express my emotions because they are an expression of who I am, and sharing myself with others is how I can have positive impact on the world.” Let yourself simmer in your new rule. And remember, don’t blame yourself if it’s challenging at first! You have been playing by the old rules for a long time, so be patient with yourself as you change the game.