Depression and Anxiety in Gifted Children

Answering parents' common questions about depression in gifted children.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• Anxiety and depression tend to manifest in specific ways in gifted children.
• Be mindful of how your stated and tacit expectations for your gifted child may affect them.
• Gifted children tend to struggle with perfectionism, grandiose thinking, and existential anxiety.

Giftedness, or any sort of talent or inordinately high degree of expertise, is positively correlated with perfectionism—the higher the talent, the more pressure to perfect it.

Therefore, gifted children tend to struggle with anxiety and depression, not more so than other kids, but for different reasons, generally though not always. Often, gifted children are idealized, especially in families of high and low socio-economic tiers. On the higher end, the children may feel pressure to continue a family legacy; on the lower, to begin it. Their thinking becomes zero-sum, wherein the world is divided between winners and losers and it's impossible for everyone to prosper. While there's some truth to that mindset, considering one's circumstances (including external pressure), the social division may feel exaggerated for the gifted kid, who believes mistakes to be death sentences.

One talent, whatever it may be, can't save a family, even if it does make them rich. So, the gifted kid may struggle with not only their limitations but those of the world, too. Parents often ask me how to help support their gifted kid as they try to grasp how depression and anxiety tend to manifest in them. Parents often say things like, "I'm only depressed when my basic needs aren't met. So, I don't know what to say or do with my kid." Let's start with your contributions. Remember, even if you don't assert your expectations for your child, and even if you shower them with love, signals of disappointment and discussing the future of the family may indicate a higher standard than you intend on explicitly providing. Additionally, some parents indicate the inevitability of an expectation, not necessarily setting it as goal, which may also place excessive pressure on the child. In this respect, they become terrified of letting the parent down.

Perfectionism

Addressing your gifted child's perfectionism may have you acknowledging your own tendency to use fantasy as an escape, and exploring how that may affect your kid. If your child feels like a family savior, ask yourself what "good enough" may feel like. Your gifted kid should want to contribute but in a way that feels right to them, meaning that you'll have to decide what your ongoing contribution should be. (The thinking can't be: My reward will be...) It's nice when athletes, for instance, can buy homes for their parents, but they should do so of their own will, rather than believing they need to bring their entire families out of poverty. Poverty is a systemic issue, which should be addressed on a wider level. Therefore, one child would suffocate while trying to resolve it for any group of people. This might mean creating a degree of "good enough" that's below your desired living standards and reminding your kid that your only wish for them is to do something that makes them happy and helps them support themselves.

Changing the World

Along with fixing a family situation, gifted children also believe it's their job to fix the wider community, even on a global scale when taken to its extreme. "If I fix the world, I'll fix my family." Here, specifically, is where parental idealization should be addressed. Parents may say things like, "My son will be president one day." While the belief in your child is, in some sense, wonderful, ask yourself whether, inadvertently, that may cause them to believe that anything less is a complete failure. It might help to let them know that there's a significant difference between one's potential and outcomes. You can say something like, "I believe that you're capable of being that responsible but you might want to become something else." Or, "There's so much that goes into becoming a president, such as hard work and luck. There are so many smart and talented people who'll never get there." Please over-communicate. Gifted children need reassurance that your expectations for them don't match theirs for themselves and for good reason. It isn't only true that overbearing parents make these kids feel overburdened; those who mean well do, too. Consider how even non-malicious actions and words may influence a sensitive kid.

Existential Dread

A lot of gifted children have existential anxiety, obsessing over if anything truly matters. So, for example, they may wonder, "Even if I become president, who cares?" Existential dread may result from considering, and getting stuck in, the cosmic perspective, meaning the thought of one's place in the overall universe. Returning to the theme of "good enough," you can address general limitations with your child. Because gifted kids tend to overthink, once they start ruminating about how much any form of success really matters, they often hit the philosophical dead-end. This means that they realize that no matter how much they achieve, it will be forgotten. They learn they're not special. This is where you may remind your child that although they're not special, they're still important. Differentiating between talent and innate value is key here. You can remind your child that while their talent and success will always be limited, regardless of how much they achieve, your love for them isn't. Additionally, it might help to note why they ought to prefer the latter most of the time. Perspective tells them that while everything, including one's skills, is transient, unconditional love isn't. Knowing that you love them will not only allow them to risk and fail, but it will also be the balm to the inevitable disappointments of success, which hardly ever lives up to our imaginations.