Idealization: Is This Too Good to Be True?

If the answer is yes, it's time to get real about your relationships.

Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Key points

• “Idealization” is taking an unrealistically positive view of another person.
• “Spitting” is a cognitive distortion where things, people, or situations are seen as all good or all bad.
• Simple practices like mindfulness and embracing imperfections can help overcome these tendencies.

After Vincent began his first job out of an Ivy League school as a beat reporter in Baltimore, he found himself lonely and isolated despite his exciting work. He started fantasizing about his college peer, Louisa, who had moved to New York to pursue her journalistic endeavors at a long-form publication. The lonelier he felt, the more ideal Louisa became.

By the time he moved to New York City and began treatment with me, he had decided that Louisa was perfect for him. He spoke frequently of how flawless their relationship would be. All he needed to do was meet up with her.

Have you ever found yourself so enamored with someone—perhaps a new romantic partner or a mentor—that only you see their best qualities and ignore the rest?

This is a Freudian defense mechanism known as “idealization,” the process in which we elevate someone to near perfection in our minds, often setting ourselves up for disappointment.

What Is Idealization?

Idealization happens when we view someone in an excessively positive light. When we first meet someone we admire or fall in love with, we often see only their best qualities. They seem flawless, almost perfect. We elevate the person, project our desires or fantasies onto them, and overlook their imperfections. In a way, it feels good—it boosts the emotional high of new relationships and gives us a sense of security or hope. We airbrush their imperfections.

Idealization is linked with love-bombing and narcissism. Vincent’s desire for Louisa to be his long-fantasized version of herself led to excessive proclamations of her perfection, talent and grace. Love-bombing is often used as a manipulative tactic, but when it’s linked to idealization the positive declarations often come from the unconscious and are genuine reflections of the love-bomber’s inflated adoration.

Vincent and Louisa went out a few times, and he flattered her and showered her with praise. Indeed, she had a terrific career that had started at a notable magazine—everything Vincent himself aspired to.

One day, when Vincent and Louisa met for coffee, she was 20 minutes late and looked unkempt and hungover—not how he wanted to see her. She revealed she was seeing someone, a possibility that never entered into his exquisite vision of their future together.

In an instant, Louisa fell off that pedestal. In our ensuing sessions, Vincent’s talk of Louisa was filled with criticism and contempt.

Moving from idealization to devaluation is a process known as “splitting.” It’s another defense mechanism that shapes how we perceive others and navigate relationships.

Splitting: The Flip Side of Idealization

Splitting is a cognitive distortion in which things, people, or situations are viewed in extremes—either as all good or all bad, with no middle ground. It’s the mental habit of categorizing things into black and white without seeing the shades of gray. When idealization fades and reality sets in, someone once seen as perfect can suddenly be viewed as deeply flawed or even “all bad.”

Think of splitting as flipping a mental switch. Yesterday, your friend was amazing, and today, after a single argument or disappointment, they are now untrustworthy, unreliable, or even the worst person in the world. In psychological terms, this mechanism is often seen as a defense against the anxiety of dealing with a more nuanced reality. Splitting is particularly common in those with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it's a mental habit anyone can fall into during times of stress or heightened emotion.

Vincent’s whiplash into devaluation was rapid and extreme. He stopped talking to Louisa and blocked her on social media. For him, the behavior appeared to protect against the fear of potential rejection or abandonment and the anticipated turmoil of being left.

In relationships, this pattern can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions—swinging between love and hate, adoration and contempt. Once Louisa disappointed him, Vincent could not get past her imperfections as her mere humanity was in direct contrast with the vision of her he created over his year in Baltimore.

How to Overcome Idealization and Splitting

Practice mindfulness: Recognizing when you're falling into these mental patterns is the first step. Pay attention to how you're thinking about others. Are you seeing them in extremes? Stay in the moment and your lived experience of other people as it happens.

Challenge your thoughts: Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic. Are you overlooking someone's flaws, or are you exaggerating them? Do you spend a lot of time daydreaming about the person? In my sessions with Vincent, I challenged the gravitas he placed on Louisa’s tardiness and her different appearance. This had been extremely difficult for him to overcome, but as we talked he began to recognize that showing up late and somewhat unkempt to a date did not make her a terrible person.

Embrace imperfection: Everyone has both good and bad qualities. Learning to accept people as they are can help prevent the cycle of idealization and devaluation that leads to splitting. Instead of seeing the world as all good or all bad, embrace the gray in others.

In therapy, techniques like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be especially helpful for those who struggle with these cognitive distortions. DBT emphasizes balance—learning to hold two opposing ideas (such as "good" and "bad") together instead of splitting them into extremes.

Vincent ultimately learned that he was trying to cope with a world that felt overwhelming at times, and he found better methods to manage his fear of disappointing someone and never finding love. Understanding these mental patterns can help us break free from unrealistic expectations and enjoy healthier, more grounded relationships with others—and with ourselves.