Happy Holiday, Your Way: Happiness Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

Holiday happiness isn't one-size-fits-all: Craft a holiday that fits you best.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• Happiness definitions can differ between people and cultures, and even within ourselves at different times.
• Personality, neurodivergence, and even fatigue levels influence what is the best holiday for us.
• In a relationship, shared activities are important, but so are individual ones.

The holidays often have social scripts of what joy should look like: bustling gatherings and a busy house filled with laughter. But these scripts are not realistic. What we need for happiness and how we celebrate it differs not only between people and cultures but even within ourselves, depending on our energy and emotional needs at any given moment. Our gut feeling may not align with social scripts.

For some, the holidays mean reconnecting with family and reveling in festive chaos. For others, the thought of noisy gatherings makes the chest tighten, and the idea of celebrating quietly sounds like bliss.

Neither is right or wrong.

The Complexity of Holiday Needs

Happiness isn’t universal. It’s personal, fluid, and deeply tied to how we process the world. For example:

• One family member might crave the energy of a lively party, with music, dancing, and chatter.
• Another might yearn for peace, quiet, and deep, one-on-one conversations.

Research shows that stimulation affects people differently based on factors like introversion, neurodivergence, and even fatigue levels. Extroverts often seek stimulation to feel energized, while introverts can become drained by the same environment. Neurodivergent people, especially those with sensory sensitivities, may find sensory overload in high-energy settings unbearable.

Even within ourselves, our needs can shift:

• After a long and busy conference, even an extrovert might appreciate solitude.
• After extended quiet time, an introvert might look forward to social connection.

Finding the one “right” way to celebrate is not a realistic goal. Acknowledging that (a) there is no universal way and (b) it’s OK can help shed much of the holiday stress, guilt, and anxiety. It can help us feel free to enjoy what we need without feeling that we are somehow broken if what we need is not what is socially prescribed. And in a relationship, it can help alleviate conflicts around “Why won’t you go meet my friends?” vs. “Why can’t we just stay home.”

Finding Balance Across Differences

So, what do you do when your and your loved ones’ holiday needs don’t align? Perhaps you need the stimulation of a festive gathering, but your partner, sibling, or best friend is exhausted and dreads the idea of a party. The key is to find a balance that respects everyone’s boundaries and honors individual needs.

1. Acknowledge Everyone’s Preferences

Start with open conversations. Instead of assuming everyone feels the same way, ask:

• “What would make the holiday enjoyable for you?”
• “What do you need to feel rested and happy?”

This creates a foundation for mutual understanding and lets everyone feel heard.

2. Blend Different Approaches

Sometimes, the best solution is a mix of styles:

• Plan a lively gathering early in the day for those who crave energy, followed by quiet time in the evening for those who need calm.
• Create separate spaces within the same event—one room for music and games, another for quiet conversation or relaxation.

3. Normalize Flexibility

It’s OK if not everyone participates in every activity. Someone might need to step out of a party early, while another might want to stay longer. Flexibility ensures that no one feels forced into situations that deplete them.

Try these scripts for boundaries without judgment:

• For declining an activity: “I’m going to sit this one out, but I hope you all have fun!”
• For leaving early: “I’ve had a wonderful time, and I need to recharge now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

4. Recognize Changing Needs

Traditions are meant to bring joy, not pressure. If you enjoy you have always done, fantastic. But what if you need change?

What works for one year might not work the next. Be open to adjusting traditions as your family and friendship dynamics and needs evolve. If baking cookies with friends or attending the neighborhood party feels more stressful than fun, consider new traditions that align with your needs. Perhaps your holiday includes solo time to recharge. Perhaps a short meet-up will work better than a full-day event. Or perhaps you feel like you need an international adventure after conquering a major milestone. That does not mean you do not love your friends.

Your Feelings Are Valid—and So Are Theirs

The holidays often come with the pressure to meet expectations—our own and others’. But those expectations don’t need to lead to tension. Recognizing that everyone’s happiness might be a little different is the first step to supporting everyone.

Your feelings are valid. If the thought of an event makes your neck tense, your body might be sending you a message. Research shows that physical cues like muscle tension, heart rate changes, or stomach discomfort are tied to emotional signals. When your body reacts, it’s worth paying attention.

Ask yourself:

• Does this event feel energizing or depleting?
• Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I feel I should? Am I going to feel resentful if I go?
• What would bring me genuine joy?

Your body might know if you need to take it easy before your mind, which might be caught up in social influence.

But others might genuinely feel like dancing thinking of the same party. Humans have different needs, and sacrificing them does not help build a relationship. Love is not about sameness. It is about making space for and celebrating differences.

In a relationship, shared activities are important, but so are individual ones-they can enhance relationship quality by fulfilling personal needs, which in turn makes seeking fulfillment outside the relationship less likely.

Let the person who craves social energy enjoy the party. Give the one who needs the quiet a chance to step away without guilt. And meet each with kindness, doing something you both enjoy. It's a yes/and situation. Separate enjoyment and togetherness are not mutually exclusive. And each relationship needs to find it's own magic balance.

Happiness does not have to look a certain Instagram-perfect way. Craft a holiday that fits you—your energy, your emotions, your way of thriving, your way of relating.

Happy Holidays, your way.