Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words

Don't break the bones of your marriage with hurtful words.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• Words can lead to distrust, harbored resentment, and even an irreparable rift or a breakup.
• Make sure you're checking your words for critical injury potential.
• Personal insults erode self-esteem and trust in the relationship.

You may never think of hurling a stick or stone at your partner, but make no mistake: words are dangerous. Even more important to recognize when in a relationship, we all tend to use words when we're hurt or angry. In fact, words are the most common weapon we reach for when emotions run high.

Due to the human nature of rapid-firing verbalized raw emotion, unfortunately, your partner can be on the receiving end of some really hard blows. Also unfortunate, sometimes, words can lead to distrust, harbored resentment, and even an irreparable rift or a breakup.

Wounding Words to Avoid in Heated Moments

Hurtful words sometimes slip out before you can catch them, but, usually, there is a slight moment of introspection between when you point and aim and the shot from your tongue. In these tiny moments, make sure you're checking your words for critical injury potential. Some phrases are extremely difficult to remedy after they've landed.

"You always ..." or "You never ..."

Generalizations can feel unfairly accusatory and highly dismissive. They make the other person feel misunderstood and judged, which can spark immediate defensiveness but also hinder open communication in the long term, ultimately damaging the relationship.

"I wish I'd never met you."

Such statements can inflict deep emotional pain and damage trust. You're discounting every moment you've had together as a total loss, which can be devastating for the other person and create a sense of worthlessness.

"You're just like your [family member]."

These statements provoke a two-sided reaction. One, the comparisons can be hurtful and undermine your partner's individuality. But also, two, you are openly expressing your disdain for someone who your partner likely cares about, whether that person is their mother, father, sister, or otherwise. This can lead to complicated feelings of inadequacy and resentment.

"Why can't you be more like [someone else]?"

Criticizing your partner in comparison to others is damaging and disrespectful. It can erode self-esteem and create a sense of competition, rather than fostering a supportive partnership.

"I don't love you anymore."

Threatening the love at the heart of the relationship can cause fear and insecurity. Such statements can lead to anxiety about the future and destabilize the foundation of who you are as a couple.

"You're overreacting."

Invalidating your partner’s feelings can lead to resentment and frustration. It dismisses their emotions and experiences, making them feel unheard and undervalued.

"You’re such a loser" or "You make me sick."

Personal insults erode self-esteem and trust in the relationship. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationship dynamics, criticism is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships. Statements like this create a hostile environment where one feels belittled and unappreciated, and they can take a significant amount of work to overcome.

You Don't Have to Mean It to Cause Utter Devastation

"I didn't mean it."

"I'm sorry you took it that way."

"You know I didn't mean it that way."

"I was just angry."

"Don't take me so literally."

Any of these statements can come up often between two people in a heated argument or discussion. We often pull them out when we see the words we've said have caused more damage than intended. However, none are an open acknowledgment that you've done wrong, and they will do little to Band-Aid the damage done.

When You Know You've Caused Damage With Words

Words can slip out easily, but they can cut deep and there's no way to take them back. Sometimes, what you say can rattle around in your partner's mind for the years to come, potentially even shaping your future as a couple. Therefore, the best strategy when you've allowed your words to go unbridled is to immediately take ownership that you were wrong, apologize, and keep communication open.

In some cases, in the middle of a heated situation, it can be best to simply say, "Wait. We need to take a moment." Make sure your partner knows your words are driven by the emotion of the moment and not by how you truly feel. Then, take a breather, collect your bearings, and revisit the topic with a full acknowledgment that you crossed a line.

If you take ownership and apologize, but the two of you struggle to re-establish your prior connection, seeking relationship therapy can be for the best. It's not even a bad idea to seek professional advice to get a better understanding of how to avoid hurting your partner with words going forward.

Remember, it doesn't take sticks and stones to fracture the good bones of your union—words can be dangerous. However, words can be just as powerful in mending those fractures. By choosing to communicate with empathy and understanding, you can rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.