Do You Undo?

An internal family systems perspective on the mental trick of undoing.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• We all have subpersonalities, or parts. Some parts take on protective roles.
• Sometimes a protective part will try to prevent emotional pain by going back to a time before a loss.
• Because the loss is real, the mental trick of undoing only works briefly.

My parakeet died. I found him at the bottom of his cage, the door open as always, for he liked to fly around. He was old and had run out of his allotted days. I went to make lunch and consider where and how to bury him. As it happened, a few people were coming and going from the house that fall day. The air had turned cool. The first person who walked into the living room and saw his green-feathered, prone body on the floor of the cage said, “Oh dear! I should have put a blanket over the cage." The second person said, “We could have put a light on the cage to keep him warm.” Each of them was trying to undo his death.

Undoing is a common mental exercise. When we undo, we go back in time to prevent a loss and rescue ourselves from emotional pain. From an internal family systems perspective (IFS), this is the work of a protective part, and its undoing fantasies are even more private and invisible than getting high, starving, bingeing on soothing foods, gaming, gambling, and so on. The fantasies are also more private than socially acceptable (and therefore hard to see) distractions like scrolling your phone or taking an extended mental vacation in TV world. Night or day, in company or alone, if we feel powerless and alone, the undoing part can whisk us off to the before-time.

Do you undo? Think of a loss. Maybe you got divorced and started daydreaming about a former partner, the one you should have married. Maybe your mother or father died, and you found yourself dwelling on all the things you should have said. Maybe your alcoholic sibling crashed their car, and you wish you had dragged them to rehab last year. Maybe your teenage child went through a hard time, and you’re hounded by thoughts of what you could have done better. You feel regret, an inner critic shames you, and the undoing part comes to your rescue. If so, you’re in good company.

Undoing works, but only briefly. The before-time runs up to the doorstep of the loss (which you now dread), and it happens again. And the undoing part whisks you back to before. And it happens again. A bleak cycle of loss that overheats your regrets, elaborates your powerlessness, and forestalls your ability to grieve—all of which, ironically, compels the undoing part to undo again.

Have you ever wondered, Why can’t I get over this? Maybe you’re caught in the undoing cycle. If so, here’s advice. Don’t let your undoing part conjure undoing fantasies behind the scenes. Pull back the curtain. Ask who it protects. I’ll tell you in advance who it protects. Someone (most likely young) who (it believes) will shatter with one more loss. Ask it to let you help that part. It’s OK if you don’t know how. Find a guide.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.