The Key to a Lasting Relationship: It's Not Love

Why understanding your partner is the secret ingredient to lasting love.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• Understanding your partner may be the most crucial ingredient in a successful relationship.
• Understanding takes time and effort. Don’t expect overnight changes.
• Try to listen to your partner with the sole purpose of understanding their emotions and perspective.

Love may be the foundation of any relationship, but understanding your partner is what truly sustains it. Understanding your partner’s emotions, desires, and frustrations may be just as important—if not more critical—than love alone.

In my counseling work with couples, many who have come to me still claim to love one another yet want to break up. This begs the question: Is love enough, or is something deeper needed to keep a relationship strong?

In countless divorce or breakup situations, you’ll often hear phrases like, “I still love them, but we’ve grown apart,” or “We love each other, but we can’t seem to make it work anymore.” This highlights a crucial point: love without understanding is often insufficient to keep two people together.

My book Why Can’t You Read My Mind? dives deep into this issue, explaining how empathy—the ability to understand and resonate with your partner's emotions truly—is the emotional glue that holds relationships together. Without it, even the most passionate love can feel disconnected.

The Power of Understanding

Empathy and understanding are the bridges that allow partners to connect honestly. When you understand your partner’s thoughts and emotions, you validate their experiences and create a space where they feel safe. This sense of emotional security fosters deeper intimacy, communication, and respect.

Take, for example, Simone and Jalen. After 10 years of marriage, they argued constantly over minor things. Simone felt overwhelmed by Jalen’s lack of involvement with household chores, while Jalen thought she was too critical and never satisfied with his efforts. While they both still claimed to love each other, their arguments escalated, leading to thoughts of separation.

In therapy, it became clear that the issue wasn’t love—it was understanding. Once Jalen truly grasped how unsupported Simone felt and Simone understood how Jalen perceived her criticism, they began to empathize with each other. This understanding shifted their relationship from combative to cooperative, reminding them of the love they had nearly lost.

Similarly, consider Lisa and Brian, a couple of seven years. They still loved each other but realized they had lost the ability to truly listen over time. Brian felt that Lisa didn’t respect his passion for his work, and Lisa felt that Brian had dismissed her emotional needs.

Their communication was stuck in a defensive loop. Through empathy exercises, they each took the time to understand the underlying emotions behind their disagreements. This new level of understanding brought them closer than they had been in years.

Research on Understanding and Relationships

Research supports the power of understanding. Couples who engage in active listening and empathetic communication are significantly more likely to report higher relationship satisfaction. Couples who understand each other on an emotional level tend to be more resilient during tough times and less likely to fall into the trap of constant conflict.

Research has shown that empathy and understanding are the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success, even more than initial romantic passion. Understanding, it seems, is the backbone of lasting love.

Tips for Better Understanding Your Partner

For couples who want to strengthen their relationship through understanding, here are a few tips:

Practice Active Listening: Many people listen to respond. Instead, try to listen to your partner with the sole purpose of understanding their emotions and perspective. Reflect on what they are saying to show that you are genuinely engaged.

Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of assuming you know how your partner feels, ask questions that allow them to express their inner thoughts and emotions. For example, “How are you feeling about what happened at work today?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?”

Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Imagine how your partner feels based on their situation. Empathy means trying to experience the world from their point of view, which can help you respond with more excellent care and understanding.

Communicate with Compassion: When discussing problems or conflicts, lead with compassion rather than criticism. “I can understand why you feel that way” can defuse tension and create a more open dialogue.

Be Patient and Persistent: Understanding takes time and effort. Don’t expect overnight changes. Stay patient and remain committed to the process, knowing each step toward greater understanding strengthens your relationship.

Conclusion

Understanding your partner may be the most crucial ingredient in a successful relationship. While love is essential, the deep emotional connection created by empathy keeps relationships thriving. Partners learning to understand one another can be the difference between growing apart or growing stronger together. Couples can create a bond that lasts, even through the most challenging times, by focusing on empathy and communication.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.