How Do You Know if You Are Ready to Forgive?

Some choose never to forgive and that's OK.

Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Key points

• Forgiveness is a deeply personal journey that looks different for everyone.
• Survivors of abuse or other maltreatment often feel pressure to forgive an abuser before they are ready.
• Some will choose not to forgive and that is okay, too.

The process of forgiveness is complex, and deeply personal. It can be challenging to determine when, or even if, you are ready to forgive someone who has wronged you. Understanding when, or if, you are ready to forgive can help provide direction in your healing path.

From faith, from family and friends, and even from the media, we are filled with pressure to forgive those who harmed us. Some survivors feel the pressure to forgive before they are ready to do so, often citing this pressure as yet another hurdle in their healing journey.

What Is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as the simple act of letting go and moving on, but it’s much more than that. For those who have experienced it, it often involves a profound internal shift in which you release resentment. For many, it also means releasing the hope that things could have been different. Forgiveness means very different things to all of us: While one person might view forgiveness as letting go of blame or anger, another might view it as maintaining blame while still moving forward.

Recognizing Emotional Readiness to Forgive

Knowing you are ready to forgive usually means you have reached a point where you can confront your feelings, understand the impact of the wrong done to you, and move forward without holding on to anger. Many survivors report forgiveness as a readiness—a noticeable gradual shift in feelings. As time passes, you might notice that intense emotions such as anger, pain, and resentment start to soften. You may begin to reflect on the situation with greater clarity and less immediate anger. This introspection can signal that you are moving toward a place where forgiveness is possible. You might find yourself thinking about the person who wronged you not with the same intensity of hurt but with a desire for resolution or understanding.

Before you can even consider if forgiveness is part of your journey, it’s important to understand the impact that your trauma had on your life. This involves acknowledging the hurt and recognizing how it has affected you. This is not about minimizing the wrong done but about coming to terms with it in a way that allows you to heal. For many of my clients, this involves coming to terms with the fact that you may have been powerless to escape your situation, and that you are not to blame. People may seek forgiveness for a range of actions that cause significant harm, including betrayal of trust, emotional abuse, infidelity, neglect, and disrespect. Some of these events may cause different levels of stress or harm to the survivor. Therefore, it might be "easier" to forgive based on what your particular experience was.

While forgiveness looks different to all survivors, many of my clients report one or more of the following when they find that they have moved toward forgiveness as part of their healing. Identifying with more than one or two might mean you are moving along in your journey.

1. No longer trying to "convince" others (or even themselves) of their experience. Increased comfort with your own reality and experiences without needing validation from external sources shows that you are no longer engaging in self-denial.
2. Changes in health or body:.When we start to heal one aspect of our being, mentally or physically, it causes a chain reaction that spurs improvement in other areas. Many survivors will notice a decline in self-soothing behaviors. Perhaps you notice that you are not reaching for the comfort foods—or substances—you once depended on every evening.
3. No longer having conversations with their abuser in their head. You know those moments when you think of what you would say when you confront someone who has hurt you? Many survivors report that they notice fewer of these conversations in their head as they move forward in their healing.
4. Improved comfort with setting boundaries. This might involve limiting or ending contact with the person who wronged you or those who support them. Or, it might look like developing and maintaining other ways of protecting yourself from further harm.
5. Increased comfort with your healing journey. Each person’s path to healing is unique. Some may find forgiveness along the way, while others may find closure in different ways. It’s important to honor your own process and avoid comparing it to others.

I find that, rather than deciding you are ready to forgive, it ends up happening naturally without you realizing it. If you are struggling with whether or not you are "ready," then you might not be. It is better to acknowledge that you're not ready then to try to fake it. Many of my clients return to therapy thinking they forgave only to realize that they were not there yet and ended up retraumatized. Forgiveness is never something that anyone else can push on you.

Ultimately, focusing on self-care and personal growth is crucial. This may involve seeking support through therapy, engaging in activities that bring you joy, or surrounding yourself with positive relationships. By prioritizing your own needs and well-being, you can continue to move forward in healing, whether forgiveness is part of your journey or not.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.