The 3 Most Devastating Ways Partners Gaslight You

How to reclaim your reality when you're the victim of gaslighting.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Gaslighting is emotional manipulation to make someone question their perception of reality.
• The gaslighter frames themselves as rational, while their partner is portrayed as irrational.
• Projection is when the gaslighter accuses their partner of doing precisely what they are guilty of.

As a therapist, I frequently hear painful stories from clients who are grappling with the confusing and often subtle dynamics of gaslighting in their relationships. Gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation, is designed to make someone question their perception of reality.

It’s insidious because it can be so gradual and covert that you don’t even realize it’s happening—until your sense of self is deeply damaged. Below are the three most common ways relationship partners gaslight each other, drawn from real-life counseling experiences.

1. Denying Your Reality: "That Never Happened"

Esther, a 32-year-old marketing professional, came into therapy because her once-loving relationship with Matt had turned toxic. “I would bring up things he said or did—things I know happened,” Esther whispered. “But every time, he’d look at me like I was crazy. He’d say, ‘I never said that,’ or ‘You’re imagining things.’” Over time, Esther began questioning her memory, often apologizing for things she wasn’t even sure she did wrong.

This form of gaslighting involves outright denial of facts. Matt's constant refutation of Esther’s experiences slowly chipped away at her confidence in her perceptions. It’s one of the most damaging tactics because it plants deep seeds of self-doubt. The gaslighter uses this technique to control the narrative, making their partner feel unstable and overly reliant on them for clarity.

What You Can Do: Keep a journal of incidents and conversations. Writing things down gives you a clear record to reference when the gaslighter tries to twist reality. Collecting evidence of your experiences will strengthen your sense of certainty in your perceptions.

2. Twisting the Narrative: "You're Too Sensitive"

Rachel, a 28-year-old teacher, was in a relationship with Malcolm for three years. Over time, she noticed a pattern. Malcolm deflected by blaming her emotions whenever she expressed hurt or disappointment. “He always told me I was ‘overreacting’ or ‘too sensitive,’” Rachel shared. “He’d make it seem like my feelings were the problem, not what he did.”

This tactic returns the blame onto the victim, minimizing their emotions and making them feel unreasonable. The gaslighter frames themselves as rational, while their partner is portrayed as overly emotional or irrational. In Rachel’s case, Malcolm's constant dismissal of her feelings made her suppress her emotions, unsure if she had the right to be upset.

What You Can Do: Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel. Your emotions are valid simply because you think about them. A healthy relationship involves listening to each other's feelings, not diminishing them. If you notice a recurring pattern where your partner constantly minimizes your emotions, it may be time to set firm boundaries or re-evaluate the relationship.

3. Projecting Their Faults Onto You: "You're the One Who's Manipulating Me"

Kyle, a 35-year-old construction manager, sat on my couch, angry and defeated. His partner, Lucy, frequently accused him of trying to control her, even though, as he explained, she was the one who manipulated situations to her advantage. “Whenever I call her out on something she did, she flips it and says I’m the controlling one,” Kyle explained. “It’s like I can’t ever hold her accountable for anything because she always turns it back on me.”

Projection is one of the most deceptive forms of gaslighting. The gaslighter accuses their partner of doing precisely what they are guilty of. Lucy was using this tactic to avoid accountability and keep Kyle off-balance. This manipulation often leads to confusion, as the victim starts to believe they are the problem, even when they merely react to the gaslighter’s lousy behavior.

What You Can Do: Recognize projection for what it is—a deflection. If you’re constantly being accused of things you didn’t do, ask yourself if your partner may be exhibiting those behaviors. Speak up when these moments occur, but also be prepared to seek outside help, whether through therapy or trusted friends, to maintain clarity.

Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Your Reality

Gaslighting is a slow erosion of your sense of self. Partners who gaslight use these tactics to control, confuse, and manipulate the people they claim to love. But once you identify the signs, you can start reclaiming your reality.

Don't hesitate to seek support if you feel like you’re being gaslighted. Whether journaling your experiences, talking to a therapist, or confiding in trusted friends, the most crucial step is to trust yourself again. Your feelings, perceptions, and experiences are valid; no one should make you feel otherwise.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.