The Orphan Within: Understanding Why We Feel We Don’t Belong

Why we sometimes feel like orphans even when we have parents.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Once upon a time, when I was a child in bed at night, I would fantasize that the grownups asleep in the other bedroom were not my real parents. I imagined that I had been an orphan abandoned at birth, and they had adopted me. This was a story I created to express feeling different from the rest of my family and alone in the world.

The reality of orphanhood is a tragic fate, one we see proliferating around the world in response to the crises of war, famine, and poor healthcare for women. It can have severe and lasting impact, as many studies have shown.¹ But orphanhood also has a psychological dimension: It is a universal archetypal pattern in the human psyche. According to the theories of Carl Jung, archetypes belong to our collective unconscious, not just to individuals.

Our fascination with orphans shows up in cultures across time and place. Some of the earliest stories we learn are about orphans. The orphan Moses became a leader of his people. The twins Romulus and Remus, said to be raised by wolves, founded the city of Rome. The list of folk tales, mythological stories, movies, and works of literature that feature orphans is extensive: Batman, Superman, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Oliver Twist, Anne of Green Gables, Heidi, Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, and many others. These figures are marked by an unfortunate beginning that propels them on a heroic journey. In these stories, the original adversity impels them to develop courage and emotional resilience. Without the support and nurturance of the family, the symbolic orphan must develop his or her skills for survival.

To be an orphan is to be alone in the world, to be bereft of a mother, father, or both. [Contrary to traditional usage, the United Nations uses “orphan” to describe a child who has lost either one or both parents; “maternal orphan,” “paternal orphan,” and “double orphan” describe a child who has lost its mother, father, or both parents respectively.]² Orphanhood as a psychological phenomenon relates to an inner state of abandonment. If rage is the emotion of powerlessness,³ loneliness and loss are the emotions of the orphan. We can experience the orphan archetype without being one in reality, as was my childhood experience.

When children appear in dreams or when we dream of our child self, the child figure(s) can represent aspects of self we have ignored or forgotten but now want to know. These qualities often relate to innocence, curiosity, spontaneity. In her book, The Inner Child in Dreams, Jungian analyst Kathrin Asper suggests the following questions when working with the inner child in dreams:

• How do I appear in my dreams, as a child or as an adult?
• What are the children in my dreams up to?
• How do I treat children in my dreams?
• How do other dream figures treat them?
• How do parents and other authority figures appear?⁴

Our dreams show us what is at work in our unconscious mind, the stories that shape us but are unknown to our waking selves.

The orphan within carries the feelings of not fitting in, of not belonging, of being different from the herd. The orphan within suffers from a yearning that cannot be fulfilled from the outside. Their suffering is not the result of being parentless but of being cut off from their own capacity to care for themself. The orphan within waits in a hidden corner of our unconscious to be rescued by our attention and love. When we ignore our needs in favor of the needs of others, when we reject parts of ourselves because of fear or shame, when we disown a natural desire to be seen, praised, admired, we create an intrapsychic environment for internal orphans.⁵

We can also feel orphaned by a collective group. In this time of polarization in our country, many people are expressing feelings of abandonment by political leaders or parties and by the government. Carl Jung described a cultural complex as a shared set of unconscious beliefs, attitudes, and emotions. More recently. Jungian analyst Thomas Singer has elaborated on this: “Large scale social complexes form in the layer of the cultural unconscious of groups and become cultural complexes. . .. [which] can be defined as emotionally charged aggregates of ideas and images that tend to cluster around an archetypal core and are shared by individuals within an identified collective.”⁶

Cultural complexes shape our identity, our sense of belonging, lifestyle, and values. When our personal identity and values are at odds with the prevailing cultural environment, we feel rejected, betrayed, and orphaned.

Awareness of these inner orphan dynamics can bring healing to the loneliness and sorrow of the lost child. First, it’s necessary to acknowledge the inner orphan's existence and name the burden they bear. Feelings serve as portals to self-knowledge and awareness. The orphans in the myths and stories had helpers. Moses’s sister, Miriam, watched over the basket with the infant Moses in it until the Pharaoh’s daughter found it downriver. Romulus and Remus were nurtured by wolves. Cinderella had her fairy godmother, and Luke Skywalker was aided by Obi-Wan-Kenobi and Yoda. When we turn to our inner wounded one with compassion, patience and curiosity, we become our own Yoda.