Forgive Yourself. You Are Only Human

Self-punishment is more destructive than feeling unable to forgive others.

Reviewed by Tyler Woods

I am sure you have made plenty of mistakes in your life. I certainly have. And the longer you have lived, the more mistakes you will have accumulated over the years. In any case, perhaps it is time now to start forgiving yourself.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Compassion

There is a tendency to confuse self-forgiveness and self-compassion. These two categories obviously overlap with each other, but they are, in fact, two different things. Self-forgiveness is about acknowledging one's errors and wrongdoings and then forgiving oneself in the same way one might forgive another person who has caused us harm, either deliberately or by mistake. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is an emotion that may or may not be present in self-forgiveness.

Self-punishment is actually more destructive than being unable to forgive others, simply because we are with ourselves constantly, whereas we only see or remember intermittently those who have wronged us.

Beyond the Moral Concept

The literature on forgiveness often adopts a moral viewpoint, focusing on morally wrong actions that one may have committed against others. In such instances, it is often necessary to make amends with the victim before one starts to forgive oneself, although this isn't always possible. An apology goes a long way if the victim is accessible and there isn't a risk of reviving the pain of a possibly forgotten distant past.

But self-forgiveness goes beyond the moral implications of the possible harm inflicted on others. We may also invoke the need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made in good faith, even when we ourselves were the main victims of those mistakes. I'm talking here about wrong life decisions (career, financial, partner) that, in hindsight, may seem unforgivably stupid, but at the time when they were taken, appeared quite reasonable. But then, as Billy Wilder said, "Hindsight is always 20/20."

Depression and Guilt

Before embarking on a self-forgiving exercise, it is worth reflecting on whether there is, in fact, anything particularly significant to be forgiven. Feelings of guilt and worthlessness are often prominent in depression, leading the sufferer to believe that he or she is a wicked person, perhaps even unworthy of clemency. It is important, therefore, to check whether other signs of depression are present, and if they are, then have it treated appropriately. It has been shown that high levels of neuroticism are associated with a lower ability to forgive oneself, while "trait-forgiveness" is higher in those with better self-esteem and life satisfaction.

You Are Only Human

Accepting ourselves, warts and all, is an essential component of psychological well-being. You are only human, so you make mistakes, get things wrong occasionally, and sometimes you may have wronged others. If you have, you need to adopt a conciliatory attitude and apologize to them. If you are your own victim, then consider whether you may be depressed, and then remember that you deserve as much indulgence as you would grant others. Finally, if you keep regretting your poor decisions, remember too that humans—all humans—are absolutely awful at predicting the future. Hindsight distorts our appraisal of past behavior and is, therefore, very deceptive.

Forgive yourself. You are only human.