Why We Should Learn to Forgive Ourselves

Shame and forgiveness help make us better.

Reviewed by Kaja Perina

Key points

• Perfectionists tend to view self-oriented forgiveness as a weakness.
• Forgiveness, when coupled with some degree of shame, leads to growth.
• Forgiving ourselves can help us become better community members.

Idealism is the progenitor of shame.

On the one hand, it helps us cultivate a better world; but, on the other, it forms the foundation of a myriad of emotional maladies.

Perfectionists tend to struggle with forgiving themselves, having a narrow range of acceptable behaviors. When considering circumstances, each of them feels like an excuse rather than a justification. So, they remain blind to the purpose and benefits of forgiveness.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, we consider our patients' emotional problems through the lens of what are called cognitive distortions, thinking patterns that distort the way we see ourselves and others. One of them is the distortion of personalization, wherein the individual takes too much responsibility for some outcome. Sometimes, they blame their decisions, as when coaches take full ownership of their teams' losses, and, at others, they blame their essence, believing that some innate flaw, like being stupid or ugly, is the sole reason for some failure. Taking responsibility is good; failing to acknowledge the influence of one's circumstances isn't.

The fundamental attribution error is a description of a cognitive process through which we maintain a positive self-image. We may blame a personal loss or rejection on external factors, such as a heavy workload or a high degree of quality competition, while attributing others' failures to their personal flaws. Perfectionists, however, tend to reverse this process, excusing others while berating themselves, at least at times. But, often, it's responsibility without progress because they misunderstand the point of self-focused forgiveness, misperceiving it as a general weakness.

Thus, perfectionists seesaw. Sometimes, they shame themselves to prevent further censure, to show the offended individual that they don't deserve further punishment. At others, they cower from it, denying any wrongdoing. The relationship with shame is associated with their relationship to forgiveness. People who can forgive themselves don't run from shame. So, what happens when we fear shame? We tend to mind-read and catastrophize, believing that no one likes us and that our loved ones may abandon us. We tend to personalize, as noted above, believing that we're fundamentally bad. And, we tend to think in a black-and-white way, believing that we can't be good if we did a bad thing.

Shame, which, in its extreme form, entails the belief that we're fundamentally bad, on its own, is fairly useless. You either conceive of your fundamental badness as insurmountable or something close to that. Yet, forgiveness, when coupled with shame, entails adaptation and growth. Perfectionists, terrified of letting others down, often fail to consider how forgiving themselves, in reality, helps to make them better people, which improves their relationships. Self-oriented forgiveness is as much about others as it is about us. Some erroneously view the concept as self-indulgent, meant for those who don't care about others. In a black and white world, the good punish themselves while the bad make excuses. But forgiveness isn't about excuses; it isn't saying that what one did was morally justifiable, only that it was understandable under specific circumstances (meaning that many of us would have responded in the same way), even though it was wrong. Rather than perceiving the world as a duality, we can conclude that one unethical choice, while understandable, doesn't define us; chances are that we aren't good or bad, merely decent.

Therefore, when we, after enough introspection and punishment, forgive ourselves, we increase the probability of making better choices. In some sense, we forgive ourselves, in part, for others so that we can function better in the wider community. Shame, on the other end, on its own, is a form of magical thinking. It betrays the belief that, when it's extreme, enough of it will automatically make us better people, while, on the contrary, it just further corrodes us. The misconception about forgiveness is that it engenders interpersonal lawlessness. Yet, in reality, just as we may be grateful for another's forgiveness, we can do the same for ourselves. We may tell ourselves, "Because I'm forgiving myself, I'm now going to try harder not to do that again."

At bottom, we need shame to hold ourselves accountable but, in addition, we need forgiveness to give ourselves the space to grow. Without some intervention, whether external or internal, shame blocks the sun, walling off vital nutrients. Yet, when absorbed, they provide us with the motivation to be better, the belief that we can be, and the trust that others can be just as considerate and forgiving to us.

Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams notes that shame becomes adaptive “by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and excitement and by diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.” It works to curb self-absorption and immorality. But it can only do so in smaller doses. Forgiveness is the check on its potentially unbridled power.

The perfectionist, you, should always remember: Absolute perfectionism is the belief that we should be perfect everywhere, all the time, and to everyone; relative perfectionism indicates a desire to progress and better adapt to your environment, becoming the perfect “fit” over time, or at least trying to. The former is impossible; the latter constitutes a series of worthy goals.